Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)

A year before They Live cemented Roddy Piper as the king of hilariously awesome B-movies, he threw his hat into the "gritty, post-apocalyptic" genre that made Mel Gibson famous and gave Harrison Ford something to do in between George Lucas collaborations in 1987's own Hell Comes to Frogtown!

Roddy Piper: world's most potent man.

Piper plays Sam Hell, the smuggiest smug that ever smugged. Why's he so smug? In the wake of World War III, he's the most virile man in the post-apocalyptic warzone. He gets bailed out of some non-specified trouble by Med-Tech, a government-sponsored fertility organization run by women. Hell gets teamed up with tightly-wound Spangle (Sandahl Bergman, who you might remember from Conan the Barbarian) and bad-ass Centinella (Cec Verrell, channeling Linda Hamilton).

Unfortunately for Hell, as a government employee, he's forced to wear a metal codpiece rigged to monitor his "physiosexual condition." The codpiece is also rigged with explosives for reasons never made clear to anyone. Spangle can also shock him for her own twisted amusement. Piper and his team get sent to Frogtown to rescue a group of captured fertile women. The second they make camp for the night, straitlaced Spangle makes an awkward pass at him before accidentally shocking his balls. Before Hell can recover, Centinella also tries to jump his bones, but ends up being broken up by Spangle, who reprimands her because both women are apparently infertile. Spangle is trained to be a cocktease.

Spangle must have read a book on seduction. NERD.

The next day, Piper, frustrated by driving around and not getting to sleep with anyone, tears up some paper and gets left behind. Unfortunately for him, his balls need to stay in proximity to Spangle, so he has to comically chase after them, ignoring the very real plight of fertile women kidnapped by frogs to engage in frivolity.

Once Piper meets up with the women, they see movement in the woods. They chase down a freaked girl before catching her and sticking her with a sedative. Spangle then instructs Hell to sleep with the woman, an escaped fertile woman. Hell is uneasy about sleeping with a drugged out woman, wondering where the romance has gone in this post-apocalyptic hell-hole. Spangle decides Hell needs inspiration, so she decides to perform a strip-tease, never removing her NASA glasses. Hell is finally motivated enough to perform his duty and the girl goes on her way, being told she'll "be a hero" for getting knocked up.

Frogtown's economy is booming!

Outside Frogtown, a post-apocalyptic wasteland that looks like nothing so-much as an old factory, Spangle gets dressed up in ropes and handcuffs (again forgetting to take off her giant glasses). Hell drags her through the deserted factory and into a nearby bar (complete with neon light), where frog-people gather to watch frog-strippers, drink frog beer, and read the frog prince (I'm not even kidding).

Hell and Spangle meet their contact, and Hell proceeds to sell Spangle to the bar's owner when an evil frog-man under the employ of Commander Toty (get it?). Spangle gets dragged off to meet Toty while Hell meets up with the frog-stripper, who also tries to seduce him. Hell and the stripper try to go save Spangle once Piper realizes his junk will explode if she gets too far away, but he gets caught by an evil frog-monster with an eye-patch. While Spangle is being fanned by the fertile women who prepare her for the "dance of the three snakes," Piper is having his codpiece attacked by the one-eyed frog monster. Spangle gets dragged out to perform the dance of the three snakes, which is absolutely the dirtiest thing you can think of. I'm not even gonna describe it. But I will link to it.



Meanwhile, Piper gets his codpiece removed, and it explodes in the one-eyed monster's face. Then Piper gives the one-eyed monster a good beating. Okay I'll stop. Meanwhile, Spangle beats up Toty and Piper runs in to help save the day. They free the women and try to escape, but get stopped by some damn guy who complains about women taking over before getting into an epic fight with Piper.

I hope the guy that designed this got a raise.

Separated from the group, Piper shows up at the car to find it exploded, and just assumes everyone's dead without seeing any bodies. He plans to blow Toty and himself up and they have an epic fight before Spangle conveniently reappears from behind a rock. Just as he starts making a move on her, she goes back to the old 'nad shocking trick. When she realizes Piper didn't have to do any of that heroic stuff, she realizes she loves him, and they all plan their big orgy.

If you like bad movies, you need to see this. The acting is middling to bad, the sets are awful, and the costumes are hilarious. Roddy Piper goes in and out from any attempt to play a character. He seems to be at his best during fight scenes, which are unexpectedly competent. There is some amount of chemistry between the two leads, even if Bergman sometimes looks like a Vaseline-soaked Uma Thurman. But the movie dances a delicate balance between unintentional camp and low-budget humor. There is some chemistry between the leads, and if you can get past the 80's hair there's some relatively hot chicks. It's got everything! What man besides Roddy Piper could wear a kilt with a metal codpiece and still be a bad-ass?

What to Drink:

Bud. Weis. Errrrrr.

Honorable Mention: Roddy Piper considers Coors to be a "real beer," even if it's slightly radioactive.

Quotable Quotes:

Sam Hell: How am I supposed ta... ya know?
Spangle: There's a flap.

Spangle: It monitors your physiosexual condition

Spangle: Relax, I've been trained in seduction techniques

Spangle: Save it for the fertiles!
Sam Hell: Oh, I've got enough!

Bull: Shut your HOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!

Bull: I gotta tell ya: you are one weird dude.

Toty: You have aroused the Three Snakes!

Sam Hell: I'm not a machine you can just turn on and off whenever you want to ya know?

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

With the meteoric rise of Lindsay Lohan's career, bloggers and gossip columnists took pleasure in watching her squeaky clean image transform into a rebellious streak of smoking, alcohol abuse, and lesbianism.

By the time Lohan starred in the grim R-rated thriller I Know Who Killed Me, critics sharpened their sabers, eager to tear it to ribbons. They did not disappoint. Michael Rechtshaffen of the Hollywood Reporter called it "a fresh candidate in the running for worst movie of 2007." An ambitious claim, considering 2007 also saw the release of Revolver, The Number 23, Delta Farce, Norbit, and Epic Movie. A more accurate statement would have been "a fresh candidate in the running for worst movie I was assigned to review this year."

Which is not to say I Know Who Killed Me is a good movie. It isn't. High school student and aspiring writer Aubrey Fleming (Lohan) is kidnapped by a serial killer and repeatedly tortured and dismembered. A few weeks later, she is discovered alive in a field, missing various limbs. Her parents are horrified but relieved. But their horror returns when Aubrey asserts that she is not Aubrey at all, but a stripper crack baby street tough from the other side of the tracks named Dakota Moss.
Moss seems determined to convince everyone of her street cred. She is more convincing as a hardnosed 1940s noir PI than a modern day 19 year old girl. She unironically calls the police "fuzz," and repeatedly refers to her difficult upbringing as a badge of honor.

The police, convinced this is Aubrey playing games, respond by badgering her repeatedly. Surrounded by two investigators and her conspicuously silent psychologist, the police attempt to break the facade by yelling at her into submission. Keep in mind she has an amputated arm and leg, was tortured for weeks, and is (as far as they know) suffering severe brain damage, schizophrenia, and amnesia.

Luckily, the police completely disappear by the third act, and Dakota assumes the role of chief investigator. The film introduces a flimsy array of suspects: father, boyfriend, piano teacher, and strangely flirtatious gardener (a.k.a. "Scorpion Nipple.")
To avoid spoilers, I'll stop discussing the plot here. I will say that any conclusion you could possibly glean for this movie is much more logical than what screenwriter Jeff Hammond ultimately chooses. With the connection between Aubrey and the previous victim, it should have been glaringly apparent who the killer is.

Despite its atrocious script, I Know Who Killed Me is well-shot. The film is appropriately dark and brooding. Aubrey's bedroom is almost pitch black, no matter what time of day, and in spite of no less than 10 assorted accent lamps. There is an obvious color motif throughout the film. See if you can figure it out.
The elements of Aubrey's button-downed life are expressed with deep blues (her car, outfits, a blue rose) while danger and intrigue are expressed in red (Dakota's outfits, blood, the gardener's handkerchief). It is used in various other ways, but its omnipresence makes any deep analysis pointless. Blue = convention. Red = danger. That's all you need to know.

The director, Chris Sivertson, is clearly influenced by Fincher and Lynch. The film features the dark, limiting light spectrum of Alien 3, Seven, and Fight Club, combined with Lynchian dream sequences and small-town intrigue. The premise itself is incredibly reminiscent of Twin Peaks (high school girl killed, supernatural elements, twins). These references are less homage and more a halfhearted attempt to achieve indie cred.

I Know Who Killed Me is not a good movie. Yet in spite of that, it's not egregiously terrible either. Like most big studio horror films, it falls into the category of muddled and forgettable. Had this not starred Lohan, I suspect it wouldn't have been trashed so heartily. No less than 3 separate critics call it "torture-porn." Aside from some amputations and a brief torture scene, it isn't particularly explicit or gory.

Critics relish calling this a nadir of Lindsay Lohan's career, as if The Parent Trap were a veritable tour-de-force of cinematic achievement. Rather, critics enjoyed bandwagon-bashing a mediocre film which happens to star someone with a well-documented and dramatic personal life.

What to drink:

Overpriced stripclub Jack and Coke.

Quotable quotes:

Football Announcer: As we all know, Jennifer Toland's body was found this week, and we'd like to take a moment of silence... Now let's get out there and win this for JENNIFER TOLAND!

Agent Lazarus: Jesus. I really hope our little investigation doesn't interfere with bingo night.

Dakota: Hospitals are for rich people.

Unexplained Man on Bus: People get cut. That's life.

Arbitrary ranking system:

Nadir of director Chris Siverston's (All Cheerleader's Die) career.

Glen or Glenda (1953)

When discussing bad movies, it is impossible not to mention Edward D. Wood Jr. Played by Johnny Depp in Tim Burton's 1994 biopic Ed Wood, Depp portrays a man blinded by his own enthusiasm for the craft. He is so enthralled with the process of making movies, he ignores the clunky dialogue, wobbling sets, and egregious continuity mistakes.

In Glen or Glenda, Wood's feature directorial debut, the man's amateur approach to filmmaking shines through. However, the film is surprisingly ambitious, technically, narratively, and thematically. The core of Glen or Glenda tells the story of the cross-dressing Glen (or Glenda). Wood plays the role himself, inspired by his own transvestitism and fetish for angora sweaters.
Wood's career moved backwards with regards to skill and subject. Glen or Glenda is his passion project. It is essentially transvestite propaganda, exposing the trials, tribulations, and prejudices beset onto those who wish to dress like (or become) members of the opposite sex.
It is only after this project that he moved on to more trivial subjects. After Glen or Glenda, Wood transitions to campy science fiction (with Bride of the Monster and Plan 9 from Outer Space), follows up with pure exploitation (The Sinister Urge) and eventually finds himself directing horror porn (Necromania).

Even the first shot of Glen or Glenda maintains this reverse mentality. It begins with a close up of Bela Lugosi as the Scientist. The camera dollies backward in order to expose the unique attributes of the room, and only when the camera settles a good 20-30 feet away does Lugosi begin to speak.

A conventional (or better skilled) director would have done the exact opposite. But as evident in Glen or Glenda, Wood does not think comprehensively. The entire film is a muddled mess of converging and diverging narratives, numerous themes, contradicting arguments, and hyperactive focus.
The Scientist opens the film as the harbinger of a tale both unusual and macabre. Normal citizens would cower in terror at its mere mention. Once he gives his prophetic introduction, the film changes focus to a transvestite who commits suicide, unable to deal with the societal and legal persecution he has endured as a cross-dresser.
In an attempt to deal with this strange case, Inspector Warren (Lyle Talbot) seeks the advice of Dr. Alton (Timothy Farrell), an expert on transvestite and transgender people. Alton begins with a diatribe about the oppressiveness of society, ignorance of its citizens, and uncomfortable nature of men's clothing. It is less an attempt to explain transvestitism and more a promotional video for the cross-dressing lifestyle.

Once he's done browbeating society, he moves on to the actual story of Glen/Glenda, an otherwise normal man, engaged to be married, and besieged by the sinister urge to dress as a woman. He dotes on his fiancée, all the while wringing his hands and gulping loudly about when he's going to tell her about his hidden shame. He seeks the advice of fellow transvestite Johnny (Charles Crafts), which goes into another flashback about Johnny's marriage ruined by his cross-dressing ways.

Dr. Alton stops narrating for a while so that Glen may engage in a bizarre dream sequence with low-key lighting, howling wind, and the Devil. Lugosi also makes brief transitional appearances, with stock footage of lightning, roadways, and stampeding bison.
In the middle of the dream sequence, Wood slips in another dream sequence featuring Lugosi leering at the simulated rape of a restrained woman on a couch. The sequence is more a demonstration of the Kuleshov Effect than in relation to anything in the film. Wood admitted that he only included the scene to add "spice."

The film then goes back to the initial dream sequence. At its conclusion, Glen ultimately decides to tell his fiancée everything. She is confused, but ultimately understanding. It seems that Lugosi was a bit misleading in his introduction. Though this is a story of horrid, demonic possession of the human psyche, it is easily cleared up with open communication and professional help.

Glen's problems are resolved. Movie's over, right? Wrong. Dr. Alton follows up this story with the tale of Alan/Anne, a "pseudohermaphrite" who decides to change his sex. This afterthought is more focused than Glen's story, though Wood does include a solid three minutes of battle footage for no reason.

Glen or Glenda has its problems. There's no doubt about that. However, it is still an incredibly progressive film. It handles a taboo subject with openness and humor. Wood seems inspired by his personal experience, and the writing is much better than his later films. The scene with Glen and his cross-dressing friend is terribly shot (lingering on an open door for several seconds while the two have a conversation off-screen), but adequately written. And Wood is a surprisingly capable actor, able to express emotion and subtlety.

Glen's dream sequence is wonderfully inventive and surreal. David Lynch admits to using the wind sound effect extensively in Eraserhead. It's amazing how Leonard Maltin can decry Glen or Glenda as "possibly the worst movie ever made" while calling Eraserhead "surrealistic, bleak, and often unsettlingly hilarious."
If the film has a fatal flaw, it's its complete lack of focus. Lugosi serves as storyteller, while the psychologist narrates. Most of Glen or Glenda is an effort to pad the film to feature length. If Wood took some time to establish a consistent narrative and tone, this might be considered a groundbreaking film instead of camp classic.

What to drink:

The girliest cocktail at Chili's.

Quotable quotes:

Scientist: People. All going somevere. All vith their own thoughts... their own ideas. All vith their own... personalities. Ven he's wrong, because he does right. Ven he's right, because he does wrong. Pull the string!

Inspector Warren: I'd like to hear the story to the fullest.
Dr. Alton: Only the infinity of the depths of a man's mind can really tell the story.

Woman: If the Creator had meant us to be born girls, we certainly would have been born girls.
Dr. Alton: ARE WE SURE? Nature makes mistakes. It's proven every day.

Dr. Alton: And get the hat! Better still, get the receding hairline. Men's hats are so tight they cut off the blood flow to the head, thus cutting off the growth of hair. Seven out of ten men wear a hat, so the advertisements say. Seven out of ten men are bald.

Glen's Mother: Go ahead and wear your sister's dress, Glen. You always did look much better as a girl than you do as a man.

Johnny: Say, you really look down in the dumps.
Glen: I guess I've got a problem.
Johnny: Haven't we all?
Glen: I mean, a real problem, one I've never had to face before.
Johnny: Our whole existence is one big problem after another.
Glen: I want to get married.
Johnny: You have a problem!

Scientist: Bevare! Bevare! Bevare of ze long green dragon zat sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys. Puppy dog tails. Big fat snails! Bevare. Take care. Bevare!

Arbitrary ranking system:

A rainbow coalition of stars.

P. Swayze wax figure

Not only does it commemorate one of the greatest bad movies of all time, it's perfect for home protection!

Life-size Patrick Swayze wax figure as Dalton from Road House


Can you imagine a burglar skulking up to a house and seeing the 6'2" figure of Dalton staring back at him? He would probably protect his throat, that's for sure.

Shoes are not included.

Trailer for Uwe Boll's Ninja Gaiden

From the man who brought you House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal, comes Uwe Boll's newest foray into the world of mediocre video games adapted into terrible films: Ninja Gaiden.



The problem is that Ninja Gaiden is actually a pretty good game, and judging by the unexpected competency of the trailer, this one may not be as eyebleedingly awful. I'm betting on generic, mediocre, and ultimately forgettable.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Trailer

From the people who brought you I Am Omega, it's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!



Trailer highlights:

• Mega Shark eats Golden Gate Bridge
• Mega Shark eats airplane
• Giant Octopus bitchslaps fighter jet
  
• "Thrilla in Manila"
• Debbie Gibson

I want to assure everyone that this will get a review when comes out on the 19th.

Demolition University (1997)

Of The Two Coreys, Corey Feldman has the more successful career. While Feldman went on to star in such classics as Meatballs 4, My Life as a Troll, and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Corey Haim was relegated to total crap.

Take for example 1997's Demolition University, the sequel to Demolition High. College kids on a field trip to a power and water treatment plant are held hostage by an Iraqi terrorist splinter group. Lenny Slater (Haim) must John McClane his way through the facility and stop the terrorists from enacting their nefarious plan. Yippee-ki-yay, Mister Falcon.
With the help of a disgruntled Army officer (Todd Allen), the terrorists take the plant over to release the deadly VX solution into the water supply. It is a dangerous substance, able to set off Alka Seltzer tablets in the mouths of anyone exposed to it. Which is why it is kept in a fragile Erlenmeyer flask with a loosely-applied rubber stop.
At the same time, Slater courts mature (both intellectually and physically) undergrad Jenny (Ami Dolenz), who would rather whine about her difficult life than give him a yes or no answer. Luckily, Slater stows away on a class field trip to show Jenny his sweet counter-terrorism close combat karate moves.

Haim was 26 years old during this film, so he isn't the cute and cuddly Corey you remember from The Lost Boys. That doesn't stop the distributor from suggesting otherwise. This is the DVD cover:
While this is him in Demolition University:
They didn't consider a spiky-haired 20-something with facial piercings, penciled-on eyebrows, and forehead acne much of a selling point.

The film contains all your fondest memories about college. Football jocks, field trips, large yellow school buses, and a homecoming dance. What isn't particularly present is the college itself. There are only brief introductory scenes of a university, and at no point is it demolished.
The movie also feels straight out of the 80s. The students wear denim jackets and high top sneakers, the soldiers sport Reagan-era fatigues, and the power plant is full of glowing green monochromatic computer monitors. If it weren't for a reference to Desert Storm, and Haim's unfortunate run-in with puberty, no one would suspect this film was made the same year as Titanic.

Demolition University is not an overwhelmingly terrible movie, just one with a generic plot, confusing setting, anachronistic DVD cover, shot on video and featuring a completely unlikable and washed up child actor.

What to drink:

Grapefruit Whiskey Tumbler (boxed wine with no grapefruit nor whiskey, poured into a paper cup instead of a tumbler)

Quotable quotes:

McGuinness: I'm faster than you on and off the field.
Slater: I wouldn't brag about your premature problem if I was you.

Slater: It looked like a AK-47.
McGuinness: How would you know?
Slater: My dad's a New York cop.
McGuinness: Oh that makes you a gun expert?
Slater: No it's just... I've done some shooting, alright?
Jenny: Aren't assault rifles illegal?

Terrorist: I KEEL YOU, AMERICAN!

Max: We got us a Mexican Standoff! Or, as they say in Mexico, a "standoff!"

Elia: I was hoping we would die side-by-side, but at least we will get to die together.

Arbitrary ranking system:

17 future Haim reality show appearances

THE ROOM post-mortem

The Alamo Drafthouse's showing of THE ROOM was quite awesome. People weren't as rowdy as I thought they'd be, but the Drafthouse did show about 3 clips before the showing about how bad it is to talk during the movie. I don't think they quite "get" THE ROOM yet. They'll catch on.

There were plenty of HI DENNYs and BYE DENNYs, one BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN, and I could distinctly hear the clatter of plastic spoons. I also got the giggles during the 4th sex scene and could not stop. Overall it was a very enjoyable experience. The Drafthouse said that it's going to make this a monthly thing. I am so there.

I did manage to get video of Tommy Wiseau's Q&A, and his answers are predictably incoherent. Watch him dodge questions about his ethnicity, toss the football around, and rave about the "Austin-style" chicken caesar salad.

The Thing with Two Heads (1972)

After electing our first black president, many people forgot that racism once existed in America. In the distant past, Hollywood tackled prejudice with films like The Defiant Ones, Do the Right Thing, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Mississippi Burning, and To Kill a Mockingbird.

Of course, race wasn't addressed so potently as in 1972's The Thing with Two Heads, which begs the question: What would happen if an old white bigot grafted his head onto the body of a black convict? If you answered "medical pseudo-science and dirt bike chases," you would pretty much be right.
Dr. Maxwell Kirshner (Ray Milland) is a brilliant transplant surgeon and founder of the world-renowned Kirshner Institute. But when his body decides to throw in the proverbial towel, he needs to act quickly in order to survive. This, like most forays into groundbreaking medical science, involves a two-headed gorilla.
Though Kirshner must face strange medical abominations and realizations of his own mortality on a daily basis, he still has time to bring new prospects into the institute. He hires Dr. Fred Williams (Don Marshall), a talented young doctor specializing in anti-rejection research. Little does he know that Dr. Williams is actually a hip and attractive Negro!
Kirshner attempts to renege on their six-month contract, but it doesn't take. He reluctantly decides to relegate Williams to the lab and shoot him dirty looks as they pass in the hallway.

The bigoted doctor seeks the help of his Aryan colleague Dr. Philip Desmond (Roger Perry) to replicate the gorilla experiment that will save his life. The procedure requires a healthy human subject, a difficult task if you aren't Josef Mengele. They settle on the help of the California prison system, which allows any inmate on death row to participate in the fatal experiment in lieu of execution.

Hoping to prove his innocence and reunite with his girlfriend Lila (Chelsea Brown), Jack Moss (Rosey Grier) gladly volunteers. Moss is a strong, commanding black specimen of manhood with a gentle heart. This is, of course, perfect for Rosey Grier, who is one of the greatest men ever to live. Don't believe me? Here is a list of his accomplishments:

• Member of the Rams' "Fearsome Foursome"
• Two Pro Bowl appearances
• Present during O.J. Simpson's jailhouse confession
• Broke Sirhan Sirhan's arm
• Wrote Rosey Grier's Needlepoint for Men

Once Moss wakes up from surgery and discovers his predicament, he overpowers a nurse and escapes, taking "soul brother" Dr. Williams as his hostage. At this point, a vast majority of the second act consists of an elaborate police chase. The movie's poster features Moss and Kirshner on a dirt bike. This is an extremely accurate representation of the film.
The Thing with Two Heads is exploitation masquerading as science fiction masquerading as social commentary. Much of the first act devotes itself to explaining the pseudo-science in fine detail, complete with X-rays, blood tubes, and large machines that go "bleep bloop." It comes to the point where grafting a second head onto someone's shoulder not only makes perfect sense, but I wonder why people don't do it more often.

The film also takes pains to establish Dr. Williams's character, suggesting the possibility of a racial resolution. Maybe Kirshner will learn a lesson. Maybe they'll all work together to find him a body. Maybe they will herald a new age of post-racial harmony and enlighteningly bizarre medical science.

Nope. The movie hits the 90 minute mark, realizes it spent too much time on the dirt bike chase, and ends abruptly and hilariously.

What to drink:

Rosey's Delight (gin martini with a splash of malt liquor, stirred with an embroidery needle)

Quotable quotes:

Moss: I got what's called a "no pain limit." I don't like to get hurt.

Kirshner: What the hell's the matter with you, Moss? Get back to bed!
Moss: You jive.

Kirshner: You mean you're actually considering helping this escaped murderer?
Moss: Murderer? You the murderer, trying to cut off my head!
Kirshner: That's different.

Moss: You gonna stay with me, doc?
Williams: Do I have a choice?
Moss: Nope.

Lila: Honey, I was wondering... do you have two of anything else?

Moss: Is he bothering you? I'll cover his head with a pillowcase.

Lila: Whatsa matter baby? Don't you dig soul food?
Kirshner: What do you have for dessert? Watermelon?
Lila: What do y'all think about having fried possum and chitlins for supper tomorrow?

Arbitrary ranking system:

2 heads out of 1.