Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)

Before 1994's Speed, no one had seen a movie quite like it before. Die Hard had been remade numerous times in varying scenarios, but on a city bus? Outrageous! Which is why Speed 2: Cruise Control had to up the ante even more. The vessel had to be bigger and more powerful. The passengers more annoying. Keanu Reeves even more wooden and oblivious. Unfortunately, Reeves turned down the role and a massive paycheck to tour with his super-cool band Dogstar, and the screenwriters quickly rewrote his character to accommodate the slightly less wooden Jason Patric in the same role.

"Whut?"

Patric plays Alex Shaw, daredevil police officer whose job is to cause as much peril and property damage as possible for the most minor of offenses. In the opening scene, Shaw races on a motorcycle after a truck filled with stolen computer parts, accepting that petty theft is a much graver crime than potential vehicular manslaughter. Fortunately no one dies, and the cost of the destruction at least matches the price of the stolen goods, so it's considered a success.

Shaw did not tell his girlfriend Annie (Sandra Bullock, returning for the sequel) about his reckless ways, due mainly to her fractious prior relationship with Jack (Reeves's role from the previous movie). He instead reveals the truth on their seven month anniversary (which, by its definition, is not an anniversary), buffering the news with a trip to the Caribbean. Annie is upset, and angrily declares that he "can't just pull out tickets to some exotic island and think that's gonna make everything okay." Later on the cruise ship, after redeeming their tickets to some exotic island, everything is okay.


Of course everything is not okay. The Seabourn Legend is no ordinary cruise ship. It is the target of John Geiger (Willem Dafoe), a genius lunatic with nothing to lose. He boards the boat with a bag full of beeping explosive golf clubs with large LED displays.

C4: Now available at The Sharper Image.

Also he looks like this.

Chaos reigns!

His plan and motives are clear-cut. Create ship valve malfunction, plant transmitter in control room, place pumpkin bombs in ventilation supply to suggest fires across the ship, throw captain overboard, evacuate ship, close fire doors to prevent people from escape (even though there are no fires), steal jewelry, crash ship, take hostage, escape on plane, live on exotic island with pile of money and leech nurses.

"Yessss. This ought to cure my fake disease."

Geiger worked for a company which designed the ship's guidance system, until the "electromagnetic fields" from the computers gave him a lethal dose of "copper poisoning" (which I'm sure is a real thing. Tell your IT friends). Instead of taking his revenge out on the company that fired him, he decides its clients are to blame. I can understand the jewelry, but why kill the captain? Why allow an evacuation and then terrorize the remaining people on the ship? I know he's supposed to be insane, but insanity only goes so far when you can design sophisticated computer systems and explosive devices on the fly.

It's so bad!

Geiger also carries a Power Glove control system, where he can make minute adjustments to the ship's trajectory at a moment's notice. Of course, he designs the system with clunky full-word commands that he must painstakingly type out every time. To close the stern door he types "CLOSE."

"Hi I'm Clippy! I see you're inputing a binary function during a tense situation. Would you like to try shortening the commands to O and C?"

When the computer asks him when to initiate, he types "NOW."

"Hi Clippy again. My systems don't recognize Now o'clock."

Alex springs into action to stop Geiger and his devious-ish plan. Annie sits back and lets her man do his thing, placing himself into trouble, causing untold complications, and basically mucking everything up from the get-go. At one point he strong-arms the navigator into flooding the ballast to slow down the ship. Not only does this plan fail, but he then puts deaf teenager Drew (Christine Firkins) into danger and must go down and save her. Also, by flooding the ship, he completely submerges the manual rudder control, which they must use later to steer the ship away from an oil tanker.

While rescuing Drew from his own mistake, he takes a shotgun with him. Why? Is he going to shoot the water? Maybe give the little girl a flesh wound, thus attracting sharks who will guide them to safety? He holds on to the shotgun throughout the entire flooding sequence, clinging to it desperately where it would have been easier to abandon.

"Grab onto my non-gun hand!"

Of course the real reason he has the shotgun is because the screenwriters wrote in a scene where he confronts Geiger immediately afterwards, and needs the firearm as leverage during the exchange.

Though Geiger is seen as an immediate danger at all times, he is barely homicidal as far as Hollywood villains go. The only person he actually kills is the captain by throwing him overboard. This normally wouldn't cause instant death, but Speed 2 makes it clear that if anyone falls off the ship, they will always be sucked underneath and eviscerated by the propeller. This isn't so problematic toward the end when they're colliding with schooners and rowboats, and the passengers sort of dive into the water and look at each other with abject guffaw as the 75,000 ton cruise liner glides by.

Nor is it much of an issue when the ship barrels through a highly populated seaside community completely unaffected by the sound of a ship scraping against the side of an oil tanker just off shore. People are even oblivious to the cruise liner as it levels the entire town, splitting foundations and cutting through concrete like butter, not noticing until they look up and OH NO CRUISE SHIP. Maybe it's a deaf community. Drew would fit right in.


As silly as Speed 2: Cruise Control is, it's actually a pretty fun action film. Jan de Bont is a capable director, and his shot composition provides the right amount of tension and clarity to create an enjoyable experience. The chaos leading up to the initial danger is contrasted with shots on the dance floor of passengers unaware of the danger to come. As the ship levels the town, the scene is expertly organized and gleefully destructive. Sandra Bullock once called this movie "the biggest piece of crap ever made." Clearly she did not watch Premonition.

Though de Bont just replaces Reeves with Patric as the strapping devil-may-care protagonist, a closer reading shows Alex exacerbating the situation while Annie goes through and cleans up his mess. While Alex jumps onto a teetering lifeboat to save the passengers, Annie lowers the gangplank to provide escape for everyone (including her boyfriend). When passengers are trapped by the automatic fire doors, it is Annie who seizes one of the ship's TWO chainsaws to bust them out. And when Alex heroically chases after the bad guy, Annie is the one who saves him from smoke inhalation by removing the grenade from the door handle.

While Annie was largely the damsel in distress in the first film, here she serves as protector and savior, mitigating problems instead of adding to them. If Alex were not on the cruise ship, everyone evacuates safely and Geiger escapes, only to be caught by Interpol at a leech convention in Oslo three weeks later.

Quotable quotes:

Annie: Relationships based on extreme circumstances never work out.

Annie: So who's ready to par-tay on the big boat besides me?

Annie: We have our life vests. We can just jump off the ship, right?
Dante: You'd get sucked into the propellers. I wouldn't recommend it.
Annie: Yeah that would SUCK.

Annie: You don't have to save this ship.
Alex: (long pause. Leaves).

Geiger: What're you gonna do, Annie? Splash water on me?

Geiger: (after Annie sets off a signal flare) Do we have a FIERY TEMPER!

Arbitrary rating system:

13.6 knots.

Super-great Don LaFontaine trailer:

D.C. Cab (1983)

If I told you of an 80s ensemble comedy starring Paul Rodriguez, Bill Maher, Adam Baldwin, Mr. T and Gary Busey directed by Joel Schumacher, you'd probably think I was lying, right? WRONG! It's so strange you would have to accept it were real. Who would make this up? Actually, lots of people. But they don't have the creativity to conceive of the bizarre collaboration of as-yet successful actors that is D.C. Cab.


It tells the story of a misfit group of taxi drivers in the Washington D.C. area. They are rude, inefficient, lazy, and probably smell. Their job at the cab company is only a temporary gig, serving as an inconsistent source of petty cash until they win the lottery or hit it big with a marginally successful film career, political talk show, or short-lived Joss Whedon sassy sci-fi FOX vehicle.

[Firefly reference]

Through the obligatory but overly long opening montage, Schumacher makes sure to introduce each character in the briefest and most muddled (bruddled) way possible, assuring the audience of their zaniness without committing to unique character traits or funny jokes. Black stereotype, Latino stereotype, redneck stereotype. It's "Taxi" in even broader strokes. Thankyouverymuch. In Bill Maher's introduction, he mumbles inarticulate and underdeveloped political commentary in front of the White House, offering an eerie prediction of his future career.

Maher meets his dealer (above).

Albert Hockenberry (played by a young and pompadoured Adam Baldwin) arrives in Washington to seek a job with Harold (Max Gail), his father's old Nam buddy. Despite good looks and lack of obvious mental illness, Albert's dream is to run his own cab company. He befriends each stereotyped cabbie with open arms (an uncharacteristic act of multiculturalism and global citizenship), hoping to learn the tricks of the trade (drive car, take money, etc.). He becomes especially close to Tyrone (Charlie Barnett), a smart, gentle soul who for reasons unknown acts like a raging obnoxious black stereotype. At one point he reveals his true nature to prove that if he acts like a stereotype and you treat him like a stereotype then you're bad. He also loves the word "honky" which apparently was still widely used in 1983 (by Richard Pryor).

Racism is terrible (unless it's directed toward Asians).

Once all 786 characters are adequately introduced, D.C. Cab turns into your typical underdog story. The ragtag cabbies compete with the vastly superior Emerald Cab Company, until some huge setback knocks the wind from their sails. Then Albert is kidnapped with Harry and Hermoine, and the cabbies must save their friend before the police can... do something bad.

Damn Colloportus spell!

Despite a dull plot and sorry attempts at zany shock comedy, D.C. Cab does have its bright spots. Primarily Gary Busey, whose presence automatically makes everything at least four times better. In an about face from his typical roles, Busey plays a crazy guy who says funny things.

Harry and Hermoine are also reasonably funny. Their shtick is, as the children of rich parents, they're kidnapped all the time, so they go through what should be a traumatic experience with routine nonchalance.

D.C. Cab is worth worth watching in a "it's 3 A.M. and nothing else is on STARZ" kind of way, if only as a time capsule of 80s nostalgia and a glimpse into the career of Gary Busey before he went full-blown Heaven's Gate crazy.

Quotable quotes (exclusive Busey edition):

"Just doing some intestinal yoga."

"You're lucky those pork chops didn't shoot you and say you was crazy on PCP cuz thats what they say about everybody they shoot and I think they're lacing the bullets with PCP cuz then they got an alibi for killin' everybody! Think about that!"

"If I wanted responsibility I'd a been a damn sex surrogate!"

"Albert doesn't have no political convictions. He's an American!"

"Hey you know Bruce Lee he ain't dead. They got him kryptonized down in Chadsworth. He's jammed in a silo and frozen hard as a carp and they're gonna melt him down as soon as the economy gets better."

"Why are women so uptight? They got half the money and all of the pussy!"

Arbitrary rating system:

(3 1/3 Buseyheads)

So I put my hands up...

...they're playing my last song
The rockethead flies away
Pursin' my lips like yeah
Leavin' earth's orbit like yeah
It's a party in the U.S.A. Space Program

DOA: Dead Or Alive (2006)

In the mid-90’s, studios were getting desperate to tap into the sweet, sweet market of video-game movies. Super Mario Bros. was a near-legendary bust, and Street Fighter earned some money but was already a joke by the time it came out. Then Mortal Kombat came along, showing that a near-plotless series of Hong Kong fight-scenes could be a major crossover hit.

Here's the German Poster, as the American Poster is really boring and shitty.

Apparently no one told Dimension Films this same formula wouldn’t be a winner in 2006, as they distributed DOA: Dead or Alive, a film that probably would have been a surefire hit if only it could have been released in 1996. For those that aren’t familiar with the videogame franchise, in a genre that guarantees at least one unattainably hot woman who knows karate, DOA goes a step above by offering a bunch of really hot women that know karate. In fact, the franchise is so synonymous with creepy fan-service that they’ve released two non-fighting games where the girls can play volleyball, sit around the pool, or “butt battle.”




In the film, the princess of some tiny Asian nation (Sin City’s Devon Aoki) still acting like it’s the Feudal era is told that if she leaves in search of her brother, she’ll be killed. In fact, the princess’ purple-haired half-sister Ayane promises to do it herself. Princess Kasumi leaves anyway, immediately receiving a flying digital shuriken inviting her to DOA.

Meanwhile, in the ocean, professional wrestler Tina (My Name is Earl’s Jaime Pressly) is tanning on her yacht. She rejects an offer from her dad, famous wrestler Bass (Kevin Nash imitating Hulk Hogan) to wrestle some show over the phone when pirates arrive. She beats them literally into the ground (er, boat), before receiving the same invitation.

Tina's father thinks she's a Lesbian just because she's in bed with Christie. This almost never happens to Ryu and Ken.

Finally, professional thief Christie (Holly Valance) comes out of the shower to find Hong Kong police questioning her about a recent theft. After making a few sexual innuendos, she takes out three police officers with a TOWEL in the time it takes her bra to be knocked out of a policeman’s hand and land perfectly on her chest. She also gets invited to DOA.

A shot worthy of Kubrick.

Somehow all of the contestants end up aboard the same flight, including Tina’s dad Bass, some black dude, Christie’s partner who tried to frame her for her part in a theft, and some other characters that are completely irrelevant because they are not hot chicks. In typical “extreme” fashion, the plane is not actually landing on DOA Island, it’s just flying near the goddamn island, forcing everyone to grab a chute and jump out. As if that wasn’t enough, they have to get to an arbitrary part of the Island by sundown or they are not extreme enough to compete. The three girls end up on the same side of the island and work together to not get eliminated.

I guess the Nanites allow them to create health bars? Or it's just a "hey look this is based on video games!" moment. Also while these are characters in the game they are completely irrelevant to the movie. I'm sure Brad Wong fans were outraged.

We also meet the guy running the tournament, an obvious bad guy named Donovan (a scenery-chewing Eric Roberts) and his nerdy young assistant (Steve Howey, a guy whose biggest acting credit is on Reba’s sitcom), as they reveal the secret, hidden purpose of the fighting tournament. Basically they inject nanites into all the fighters that will learn to copy all their moves, and then sell those nanites to some arms dealers or whoever buys nanites that know martial-arts. Presumably, just having these things will make you awesome at martial arts, even if you are a character actor in your 50’s. Honestly it's best not to think about these things too much.


Over the course of their stay, the girls become friends, also befriending Helena, the daughter of the tournament’s late founder, a blonde girl with roller skates that is also hot and good enough to be in some world-class fighting tournament despite looking like a high schooler at roller disco. When there aren’t Hong Kong wirefights going on, the fighters unwind by hanging out at the beach, playing competitive games of 2 on 2 volleyball. Oh also purple hair girl interrupts the volleyball game to fight Kasumi in an incredibly boring bit.

After a long day of world-class fighting tournaments, who doesn't enjoy a little 2 on 2 beach volleyball?

Unfortunately Christie and Helena have to face each other in the first one on one contest between the girls, leading to a baffling and sexy fight in the rain at the beach in swimsuits. Tina and the black dude meanwhile just beat the shit out of each other in a significantly less sexy fight. Tina and Christie prevail, and are ready to have some sort of sexy fight when the movie completely forgets its premise as a “fighting tournament." Instead, Christie and Tina follow Kasumi to discover the secrets of DOA Island while the nerdy assistant consoles Helena. They find out Donovan’s big secret: that he plans to steal all their fighting moves. They also find Kasumi’s missing brother Hayate, last year’s winner who has been imprisoned for a whole year. Donovan uses a pair of nanite-sunglasses to beat up the freed Hayate, who is probably malnourished anyway. Donovan decides to blow up the island and tells his private army of ineffective ninja goons to deal with the remaining fighters, including Helena and her dopey new pal.


Helena protects her nerdy new boyfriend and the two try to stop the explosion, but can’t. In the meantime, Christie’s no-good ex-partner tries to rob the island’s safe, but his dreams of great wealth are cut short when he realizes the whole island will explode in minutes.

This guy was in the highest grossing film of 2008 and is Julia Roberts' brother. Seriously.

While the side-characters do that junk, the three leads, continue to fight Donovan all over the island, eventually finding themselves at a giant buddha statue where they had to work together the first time. What is this, a PSA for female co-operation? When his glasses eventually fall off, they are able to kick him off the island only seconds before the entire thing explodes. While all the supporting players slide down an emergency exit in case of island explosion, the leads just jump clear of the explosion and fall to the ocean below.

He didn't really think through this design, did he?

Seeing an opportunity to plunder an exploded islands, the pirates from the beginning show up, but Tina, clinging to a piece of driftwood kicks them off their own boat and picks up the rest of the cast, who are all predictably fine. Refusing to end, the film’s final scene features the four girls plus Hayate showing up in Kasumi’s kingdom where they decide to fight like 500 ninjas at once. And then it just ends. Lead-in for DOA 2? Well, maybe if the movie hadn’t bombed at the box office.


This is one of those movies that are what bad movies are all about. I laughed like 3 times in the opening scene, nominally a dramatic bit between Devon Aoki and her pink-haired half-sister. The dialogue’s subtitles are so hilarious and there is so little presence from any of the actors that it’s a laughably bad scene. The scenes with Pressly and Valance are less outright hilarious but both are pretty ridiculously hot. The other supporting parts are at least competent, and the result is a goofily fun, marketed directly at teenage boys fighting movie that came out far too late to be even a little relevant. What’s nice is that it plays to everyone’s strengths: the fighters fight each other, the comic relief is decent, and the chicks kick people and look hot.

I really enjoyed it. It’s pretty, fun, short, and simple. Everything major action movies of today desperately avoid. It’s not making a “modern” mythology or trying to sell itself as “gritty” or “realistic,” but as a result it’s a goofy, guilty pleasure that at least in spirit feels like it was released in 1996, or at least 2000 (the year Charlie’s Angels came out).

Memorable Quotes:

Ayane: I am your servant, but if you leave the compound I am honor-bound to kill you.