Ever since Dwayne Johnson's propulsion into Hollywood stardom, the World Wresting Federation (WWE) and its domineering owner Vince McMahon have culled their ranks looking for the next The Rock. But rather than give him up to the Disneys and Universal Pictureses of the world, McMahon hopes to use his own WWE Studios to reap the rewards of his fame.
Such is the case of wrestler John Cena. Akin to a hulked out Mark Wahlberg, Cena emulated Wahlberg's Marky Mark routine and spent his early wrestling career making bank on the resemblance, short of producing his own Starz series Cortège, about the hangers-on of a super star professional wrestler. Instead, Cena begins his screen career with the 2006 film The Marine, about a beefy soldier ousted from military service whose wife is kidnapped by homicidal diamond thieves. If you base the quality of a film by the number of times a hero jumps from an exploding building, The Marine is your flick.
|Stepping on the flag? For shame.|
|You should already find about eight things wrong with this opening shot.|
Triton returns home to South Carolina (which in no way resembles northeast Australia) to his smokin' hot NASCAR wife Kate (Kelly Carlson). He wastes no times carrying her into the house, carrying her to the bed, carrying her to the kitchen counter. My point is she doesn't spend a lot of time on her feet.
|This'll do until we can scrounge up some foot bindings.|
|Screenshot from Saint's Row. I mean, this movie.|
|Oh. My. God. Gas is only $1.74???|
The Marine is about as subtle with its soundtrack as it is with gender politics. John's wife Kate spends about 90% of the film passed from one beefy guy to another. When she is allowed to stand on her own recognizance, she spends this time instigating or participating in catfights with the only other woman in the movie, gangmember Angela (Abigail Bianca). Outbursts of "BITCH" are not uncommon, between the scratching and hair pulling. Unfortunately they never stumble into any mud pits or wet t-shirt contests, so we are unable to see these scuffles escalate to their expected climax.
|"This'll teach you to have better HAIR than me!"|
|This random act of destruction brought to you by Miller.|
Overall The Marine is a fun if moronic movie. It's brainless but never attempts to be otherwise, and despite some primitive views on race and gender, it's no more unrefined than any other Hollywood action movie or direct-to-video venture. It's an enjoyable romp through the swamps of Queensland, South Carolina and I hope Cena gets better roles in the future.
3 explosion jumps out of 3.
Rome: I don't want to see any eye contact. I have severe intimacy issues and a gun.
Morgan: I hate cops. And rock candy.
Rome: You never know when you'll need a crazy son of a bitch.
Morgan: That's a creepy-ass snake!