Friday, September 22, 2023

Podcast: Return to Oz (1985)

Your Stupid Minds whisks you away to a magical fantasy land based on the L. Frank Baum novels that no one has read in the last 100 years. It's Disney's reimagined 1985 sequel Return to Oz!

In an effort to reinvigorate its flailing film releases, Disney bought the rights to the Wizard of Oz book series with the intention of revitalizing the franchise. One small issue though: the books are very dissimilar to MGM’s beloved The Wizard of Oz from 1939. No worries, the bones are still there: the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Woodsman. Oh, they’re barely in the sequels? Who are these guys? Gump? Jack Pumpkinhead? Tik-Tok? Also where are the ruby slippers? They’re silver? We have to pay MGM royalties to use the ruby ones? Oh dear.

Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) won’t shut up to Aunt Em (Piper Laurie) about this magical land of Oz where she murdered two witches and saved the Emerald City and all its diminutive residents. So naturally Aunt Em sends her off to a quack psychoanalyst who plans to electroshock this 10-year-old until she stops using her imagination.

She escapes the sanitarium and returns to Oz, teaming up with a talking chicken Billina (Denise Bryer), a robotic soldier Tik-Tok (Sean Barrett), Jack Pumpkinhead (Brian Henson) who is, let’s face it, just the Scarecrow, and Gump (Stephen Norrington) a talking moose head strapped to a flying couch.

Dorothy is determined to save the Scarecrow from the evil Nome King, and must solve a series of puzzles and challenges that were probably more interesting when they were in a children’s book. Come along with us on our flying Davenport on this wild adventure!

Friday, September 8, 2023

Podcast: Cade: The Tortured Crossing (2023)

It’s finally here! In keeping with tradition, we reviewed Neil Breen's newest film Cade: The Tortured Crossing, an actual sequel to Twisted Pair that acts more like a spiritual sequel to Twisted Pair. Joining us is friend of me, the show, and bad movies in general Austin Buchan, who knew absolutely nothing about the movie or Neil Breen before watching it.

According to the Alamo Drafthouse website (and, more likely, the press packet that Neil sent to the Alamo Drafthouse) Cade: The Tortured Crossing is about: "An identical AI twin brother restores an old mysterious mental asylum. He takes it upon himself to mystically train the patients as warriors for humanity and justice." Abstractly, that is a correct description of about 5% of the film, but adding additional information, or editorializing about the content, would not adequately prepare you for seeing this on the silver screen.

In a way, this is Neil's most ambitious film, combining his love of stock footage and indifference toward directing actors, he has chosen to eschew actual sets entirely, and composite greenscreened every single character into a dream-like void of proportionally disorienting stock photos and footage, even when using a real set (like a repeated scene of a man plopping into a dingy bed) would have been cheaper and more realistic.

If you haven't seen Twisted Pair, you will not be at a disservice, as basically nothing carries over into Cade except that there are two identical twin brothers, both played by Breen, and they have mystical computer powers. If you’ve never seen a Breen (such as our guest Austin) it's probably the second most baffling experience you can have being introduced to him (aside from Pair, which is probably his most impenetrable and least audience friendly).

So come with us on this journey, and we'll tell of our theater experiences seeing Neil Breen's newest masterpiece.

Friday, August 25, 2023

Podcast: The Meg (2018)

In honor of Meg 2: The Trench bombing at the box office, we decided to take a look back at its more financially successful predecessor, 2018’s The Meg! What if Jaws, but bigger?

Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham) is a world-renowned underwater saving people guy. When he tries to rescue a submarine that was hit by something big (I’m guessing a Meg) he is unable to save everyone and is accused of cowardice. Jonas now hides in Thailand drowning his sorrows in low ABV beers.

Meanwhile, a research station funded by Muskian billionaire Morris (Rainn Wilson) is trying to discover an even deeper layer within the Mariana Trench. They discover the layer, but are hit by something big (I’m guessing a Meg) so they ask Jonas for help. Can they defeat the Meg, or will he eat the entire station? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Friday, July 28, 2023

Podcast: The Care Bears Movie (1985)

To complement Barbie’s wild success at the box office, Your Stupid Minds reviews a different toy tin-in movie, but a bad one! It’s 1985’s The Care Bears Movie!

A man who runs an orphanage, Mr. Cherrywood (Mickey Rooney), tells his orphans a story about two other orphans who learn the value of friendship or caring or not listening to an evil book, or something. Jason (Sunny Besen Thrasher) and Kim (Cree Summer) are befriended by the Care Bears, some cutesy little creatures who live in the sky city of Care-a-Lot.

However, a neglected and bullied magician’s assistant Nicholas (Hadley Kay) finds an evil book who convinces him to cast evil spells to get children to stop caring. Can the Care Bears save Nicholas? Will they befriend a new group of equally toyetic animals? Do the Care Bears have a boat? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Friday, July 14, 2023

Podcast: Body of Evidence (1993)

Your Stupid Minds covers one of the most infamous erotic thrillers of all time, 1993's Body of Evidence, starring Madonna, Willem Dafoe, Joe Mantegna, J├╝rgen Prochnow, Frank Langella, Anne Archer, Julianne Moore, and more!

When millionaire Andrew Marsh (Michael Forest) is found dead in his sprawling mansion with a bunch of kinky sexy sex toys around him, everyone immediately suspects his kinky sexy sex girlfriend Rebecca Carlson (Madonna). She is arrested and sent to trial two hours later. Her lawyer, Frank Dulaney (Dafoe) has his work cut out for him to prove her innocence. Can he establish reasonable doubt against the prosecution’s argument that she sexed Marsh to death with a mysterious lethal drug known as "cocaine" in order to get his $8 million inheritance?

More importantly, can Frank resist her sexual advances and remain true to his wife (Moore)? Also how do you treat third degree burns from a gallon of candle wax dumped on your naked chest?

Friday, June 30, 2023

YSM Classics: Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)

Note: The episode originally aired April 19, 2017.

Chris is in Portland cycling around under the protection of Antifa, so we're doing a repeat. To read the show notes, go to the original episode. Enjoy!

Friday, June 16, 2023

Podcast: The One (2001)

Your Stupid Minds gets down with the sickness with the 2001 Jet Li film The One! The movie that invented multiverses! [citation needed]

Yulaw (Jet Li) has discovered one weird trick to make himself all-powerful: If he kills all his other selves in the 124 other multiverses, their power transfers to him and he becomes the titular The One. Time cops hate him!

After killing one of the two remaining Jet Lis, he travels to the final multiverse after a space prison escape to kill his final self, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department deputy Gabe (Jet Li), married to veterinarian T.K. (Carla Gugino). But time cops Roedecker (Delroy Lindo) and Funsch (Jason Statham, attempting some sort of accent) are on him every step of the way.

Can Gabe defeat his other self, or will he succumb to a similar fate? Or can they live together in harmony as The Twos? And what do all the other multiverse Carla Guginos look like? We want to know!

Some Notes:

  • Featuring the most early 2000s soundtrack of all time, with Linkin Park, Godsmack, Disturbed, TWO Drowning Pool songs, and TWO Papa Roach songs.
  • Apparently Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was originally tied to this movie, back in a time when that was a somewhat novel concept.