Friday, July 12, 2024

Podcast: I Am Rage (2023)

Your Stupid Minds comes at you with a movie recommended by Chris’s dad, the low budget UK adrenochrome-fueled revenge thriller I Am Rage (2023).

Erin (Hannaj Bang Bendz) is a young woman with PTSD who decides to go to the family estate of her new boyfriend Adam (Derek Nelson). His entire family is there, including Adam’s brother Michael (Luke Aquilina) and his new partner Sarah (Antonia Whillans). After a “dinner” of blood drinking, Erin and Sarah are drugged and blood is extracted from their adrenal glands, because this is apparently an ancestral adrenochrome farm where they kidnap people and draw their blood at their height of fear to extract the sweet sweet drug within.*

Erin quickly escapes using some sort of super power she has and goes on a rampage with Sarah by her side. Apparently, and this didn’t come up in her Bumble profile, Erin was trafficked as a child and held against her will for fifteen years. During that time she developed super adrenaline blood that allows her to roundhouse kick people and tear out their hearts with her bare hands.

They have a final showdown in a local paintball arena against the family and some rich big game hunter jerk WIlson (Niko Foster). Who will win? My money’s on the woman with super powers.

*Please note: Adrenochrome is a real thing but the conspiracy theories you may have heard about it are not. Hunter S. Thompson made a joke about it fifty years ago and now we’re all living with the consequences.

Friday, June 28, 2024

Podcast: Gen¹³ (1998)

Your Stupid Minds is back with more animation for you! Not anime, but anime-inspired, it’s the unreleased in America film adaptation of the comic Gen¹³ from Jim Lee, Brandon Choi and J. Scott Campbell. It’s basically if a OVA was slightly less leery and animated like an episode of Batman Beyond.

Caitlin Fairchild (Alicia Witt) is a freakin’ NERD who is recruited by a shady paramilitary organization. Because of her promiscuous roommate and nothing else, she decides to drop out of college and head to this organization’s secret mountain lair, where she learns karate and is yelled at by a Nazi (Cloris Leachman).

There she meets Grunge (Flea), a surfer dude, and Roxy (Elizabeth Daily), a smoker. There’s also the mysterious Zuko-like rogue Threshold (Mark Hamill) who looks suspiciously like the blonde kid in the cold open. Apparently they’re supposed to unlock their Gen¹³ powers, some genetic experiment that killed all their parents and gives them special powers. While snooping in the organization’s Secret Files Area, they’re attacked by some guards and Caitlin unlocks her powers (gets really strong, boobs get bigger).

Soon they all unlock their powers. Grunge turns into whatever he touches, and Roxy can levitate. They fight the Nazi lady in a giant mech suit. Can they escape the facility? Do they even want to? What does this group do? Will Disney ever acknowledge this movie’s existence? You’ll have to listen to find out!

Friday, June 14, 2024

Podcast: Garzey's Wing (1996)

What is that light? Is that Garzey’s Wing? Is he the Holy Warrior? Is that Garzey’s Wing? What was that? Garzey’s Wing? Yes, Your Stupid Minds is dipping its toe into anime for the first time ever with one of the worst OVAs of all time combined with one of the worst English dub tracks of all time. It’s Yoshiyuki Tomino’s 1996 three episode OVA Garzey’s Wing.

Chris is a recent high school graduate who is SO easy GOING and continually fails his college entrance exams. When he goes to his home town to attend a high school reunion pool party, a giant mystical duck bifurcates his consciousness and half of him goes to the parallel world of Byston Well, while his other half remains in the real world and dead-set on attending this pool party.

To put it as simply and clearly as possible, Chris must help the slaves of the Metomeus Tribe avoid the Dragorols and Daragau of Zagazoa’s War Beast Army Corps under the command of the ruthless King Fungun to get to the Boundless Plains of Gabujuju. Yamato Takeru no Mikoto has granted Chris the power of Garzey’s Wing, which allows him to fly or something. His Ferario friend Fellan-Fa, female warrior Leelince, and headband-wearing mystic Hassan-san help in this plane of reality, while real world girlfriend Rumiko lends her chi to help him on both planes while he also attends a pool party. Seems clear enough.

Combine this with an absolutely abysmal late 90s English dub track where yelling constituted acting and we’re left with an absolutely baffling experience that would still be confusing even if this series actually ended properly. Join us as we somehow make sense of our convoluted situations and discuss this cacophony of fantasy nonsense.

Some Notes:

Friday, May 31, 2024

Podcast: Body Chemistry II: The Voice of a Stranger (1991)

Heyyyy, this is Your Stupid Minds saying howdy to all the girls out there in podcast-land. We have a special edition of Your Stupid Minds: After Dark. If you download this episode before your morning commute please wait until night! We present the direct-to-video sequel to the Roger Corman ripoff of Fatal Attraction. It’s Body Chemistry II: The Voice of a Stranger (1991).

Dan (Gregory Harrison) is a disgraced Los Angeles cop who somehow got kicked off the force for beating up too many women. He returns to his fictional home town of San Angelo (not the one in Texas; it appears to be a distant suburb of LA) and breaks into his dead (?) parents’ house to start anew. He rekindles a romance with his high school sweetheart Brenda (Robin Riker) and things are looking up except for his overwhelming violent urges to beat the crap out of her.

Meanwhile, Dr. Claire Archer (Lisa Pescia) has escaped justice after killing, or being responsible for the death of, the married man she aggressively seduced. When radio psychologist Dr. Edwards (John Landis) goes cuckoo on air, Archer replaced him with a sex psychology show. The station manager Big Chuck (Morton Downey Jr.) gets wind of Claire’s dark past through a slimy private investigator Larabee (Clint Howard) and uses her sex tape to blackmail her into a bad contract.

Dan calls into the radio show as “John” with his rough sex problem. Claire clocks him almost immediately despite his use of the Batman voice and begins an illicit affair with him, undergoing a “treatment” to rid him of his urges to commit violence against women. In reality she just wants to torment and humiliate him, ruining any chances he has with the angelic Brenda.

Can Dan escape the clutches of the succubus Claire? Can Claire negotiate a better contract? Where did Clint Howard go? Wait, was that Jeremy Piven as the patrolman? Where is his hair? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Friday, May 17, 2024

Podcast: The Skateboard Kid (1993)

In honor of the late great Roger Corman, Your Stupid Minds covers this incoherent Corman-produced family film The Skateboard Kid, starring Timothy Busfield, Bess Armstrong, and Dom DeLuise. And yes, the skateboard can talk.

Widower Frank (Busfield) and his skateboard kid Zack (Trevor Lissauer) move to Southern California where they are both turbo-bullied by a group of skateboard punks in the middle of the highway. After Zack’s skateboard gets smashed, he gets a new old one from an antique shop run by widow Maggie (Armstrong). Zack puts a lawnmower engine on it for some reason and then it’s struck by lightning and gains sentience and a horrifying claymation face. The skateboard, Rip (DeLuise) wisecracks and has magical powers, but is somehow the third most important thing going on in this movie.

The rest has something to do with an adult love triangle between Frank, Maggie and local car dealer Big Dan (Cliff De Young) who is trying to trick Maggie into marrying him because he’s a scumbag, he wants to own her crappy antique shop, AND there’s apparently buried treasure somewhere on the property he wants to steal. More hijinks ensue. One of the kids has the tiniest four wheeler in the world. Also there's a dog on the poster who's nowhere to be seen.

Friday, May 3, 2024

Podcast: Holy Matrimony (1994)

Your Stupid Minds returns to its loose theme of "Sicko Movies from the 1990s" (see: Blank Check, Milk Money, First Kid) with the hilarious premise of "what if an adult woman married a child as a joke?" It's 1994's Holy Matrimony, starring Patricia Arquette, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Tate Donovan. Directed by Leonard Nimoy.

After a life-changing carnival-money heist executed by Havana (Arquette) and her boyfriend Peter (Donovan), the pair retreat to a Canadian Hutterite community to lay low until the heat dies down. Peter is a former member of the community pretending he wants to return to the fold. In order to stay, he and Havana must marry. But when he dies in a car accident, due to their levirate marriage tradition (based on Deuteronomy 25:5), Havana must marry Peter's 12 year old brother Zeke (Gordon-Levitt) or be cast out. Since she wants to find her heist money, she calls their bluff and marries the child.

The movie descends into some second act zaniness where she learns the value of hard work (or doesn't), then they must go back to the United States to return the money, and are pursued by a corrupt FBI agent Markoski (John Schuck). Will they return the money? Will anyone learn a lesson? Is this movie as gross as the premise implies? You'll have to listen to find out!

Saturday, April 20, 2024

Podcast: 10,000 B.C. (2008)

Your Stupid Minds tackles manuks, saber-tooth tigers, and terror birds in our latest episode that covers Roland Emmerich’s 10,000 B.C., starring Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, and Cliff Curtis! Featuring returning guest and Steven Strait expert Sarah Dobson Richard!

D’Leh (Strait) is a mammoth (manuk) hunter in the Ural Mountains who has determined he must kill a manuk all by his lonesome to marry Evolet (Belle). He does so, but not under the most ideal conditions, so he attains the White Spear and Evolet’s heart, but with a healthy dose of imposter syndrome.

Then some dudes on horses (with saddles and stirrups and metal weapons, somehow) steal half their tribe and D’Leh is determined to rescue them (mostly Evolet though). He and a few of his tribe mates traverse the smallest Sid Meier’s Civilization map available, from the snowy mountains, damp jungle, and desert, to a city of pyramids run by a creepy god emperor. Can D’Leh unite the slaves into revolt and save his tribe? Can we finish this movie before falling asleep? Did they go out of their way to make this historically inaccurate? Has there ever been a successful caveman movie? You’ll have to listen to find out.