Podcast: Carnosaur (1993)

Your Stupid Minds transitions seamlessly from Tammy and the T-Rex to the Roger Corman quickie dino picture Carnosaur, released mere weeks before Jurassic Park. This is the first in a double feature to answer the eternal question posed by Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert: Carnosaur or Cop and a Half. Which is better?

Dr. Jane Tiptree (Diane Ladd, yes, Laura Dern's mom) is an evil scientist who attempts to achieve the impossible dream we've all pondered from time to time: can a viral bioweapon developed from genetically modified chickens impregnate all women on the planet with dinosaur embryos in order to replace the human race?

She puts her plan into action in the small town of Climax, Nevada. Everyone starts getting sick with a high fever, but it's only the women who give birth to dinosaurs (and die in the process). The dino puppets emerge and immediately begin murdering everyone, mostly local yokels such as "Slim" Friar (Clint Howard, yes, Bryce Dallas Howard's uncle) and a group of tree-hugging hippies protesting environmental destruction. Sheriff Fowler (Harrison Page) and "Doc" Smith (Raphael Sbarge) all try to solve the mystery. Meanwhile, the government swoops in hell-bent on containing the damage, so guys in haz-mat suits blast every infected person with M-16s.

Can they find a cure? No. Even Tiptree puts her money where her mouth is and fatally delivers her own dino baby. Can they contain the virus? Also unclear, but I'm going to say no. But at least we get to see some fun dino puppets roaming around. And some locals kill a T-Rex with a forklift. So that's cool.

As mentioned above, Siskel and Ebert had a passionate disagreement over Carnosaur. Siskel gave it a thumbs up while Ebert called it one of the worst of the year. Inversely, the next episode's movie, Cop and a Half, had the opposite result. This disagreement comes up repeatedly throughout their 1993 season.

Podcast: Born Bad (1997)

Another episode, another low-budget Corman special shot in Southern California. It's 1997's (or 1999's? Unclear) Born Bad!

After a daring daylight convenience store heist where the born bad kids steal eight beers and $3.28 worth of snacks, Evan (Patrick Renna) targets the born bad kids for their biggest score yet: the local savings and loan! His step-dad is the president of the bank, who tries to impress his new son by flashing around bank blueprints and safe codes during dinner. They use this insider knowledge to... sneak into the bank at night? No. They just bust in with Point Break masks and rob the joint in the middle of the day. But the blueprints give them an important edge: they know the safe is the big metal room in the back.

The crew includes leader/hothead Craig (Ryan Francis), even bigger hothead Bullet (Michael D. Weatherred), burnout moron Marco (Corey Feldman), girl Laura (Heidi Lenhart), and normal guy Brian (Justin Walker). Brian was recently accepted to Bard, and his parents are unable and unwilling to fund his college aspirations, so Brian agrees to the robbery to fulfill his eastcoast rural liberal arts college dreams.

As you can probably guess, these petty criminal morons mess everything up. Sheriff Larabee (James Remar) clocks the robbery immediately and singlehandedly causes a hostage situation by calling the teens while they're still inside the bank. Everyone except Brian goes insane after two hours trapped inside the bank.

Will they live to tell the tale? Is the sheriff ever going to get them that helicopter? Can Corman find a way to include some sexual assault into this picture? You’ll have to listen to find out!

Podcast: Future Kick (1991)

Your Stupid Minds searches through the depths of Tubi to find a Roger Corman low budget direct to video dystopian cyborg film. It's 1991's Future Kick, starring Meg Foster, Chris Penn, and Don 'The Dragon' Wilson.

It's the far-off future of 2025. Earth is ravaged by environmental disaster. Los Angeles is in ruins. Governments have collapsed and been replaced by mega-corporations. So absolutely nothing like our present.

Howard (Jeff Pomerantz) is a rich guy who lives on the moon who creates interactive virtual reality stories. His wife Nancy (Foster) tries one out before his trip down to earth. During his earth trip, a woman reveals that New Body, one of those aforementioned mega-corporations, is murdering people and harvesting their organs. This is all done with the help of Hynes (Ed Lottimer), a psychotic killer with giant Vega-like blades on his hand. Hynes murders him, and Nancy must come down to earth to solve his murder.

Meanwhile, Walker (Wilson) is a Cyberon, one of ten experimental cyborgs hunted down by earth's paramilitary police. He's the last of his kind, and makes his way turning in bounties and wearing cool sunglasses.

Will Walker help Nancy solve her husband's murder? Did Corman reuse some old space battle footage? Will there be a completely embarrassing twist at the end? You'll have to listen to find out!

Podcast: Body Chemistry II: The Voice of a Stranger (1991)

Heyyyy, this is Your Stupid Minds saying howdy to all the girls out there in podcast-land. We have a special edition of Your Stupid Minds: After Dark. If you download this episode before your morning commute please wait until night! We present the direct-to-video sequel to the Roger Corman ripoff of Fatal Attraction. It’s Body Chemistry II: The Voice of a Stranger (1991).

Dan (Gregory Harrison) is a disgraced Los Angeles cop who somehow got kicked off the force for beating up too many women. He returns to his fictional home town of San Angelo (not the one in Texas; it appears to be a distant suburb of LA) and breaks into his dead (?) parents’ house to start anew. He rekindles a romance with his high school sweetheart Brenda (Robin Riker) and things are looking up except for his overwhelming violent urges to beat the crap out of her.

Meanwhile, Dr. Claire Archer (Lisa Pescia) has escaped justice after killing, or being responsible for the death of, the married man she aggressively seduced. When radio psychologist Dr. Edwards (John Landis) goes cuckoo on air, Archer replaced him with a sex psychology show. The station manager Big Chuck (Morton Downey Jr.) gets wind of Claire’s dark past through a slimy private investigator Larabee (Clint Howard) and uses her sex tape to blackmail her into a bad contract.

Dan calls into the radio show as “John” with his rough sex problem. Claire clocks him almost immediately despite his use of the Batman voice and begins an illicit affair with him, undergoing a “treatment” to rid him of his urges to commit violence against women. In reality she just wants to torment and humiliate him, ruining any chances he has with the angelic Brenda.

Can Dan escape the clutches of the succubus Claire? Can Claire negotiate a better contract? Where did Clint Howard go? Wait, was that Jeremy Piven as the patrolman? Where is his hair? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Podcast: The Skateboard Kid (1993)

In honor of the late great Roger Corman, Your Stupid Minds covers this incoherent Corman-produced family film The Skateboard Kid, starring Timothy Busfield, Bess Armstrong, and Dom DeLuise. And yes, the skateboard can talk.

Widower Frank (Busfield) and his skateboard kid Zack (Trevor Lissauer) move to Southern California where they are both turbo-bullied by a group of skateboard punks in the middle of the highway. After Zack’s skateboard gets smashed, he gets a new old one from an antique shop run by widow Maggie (Armstrong). Zack puts a lawnmower engine on it for some reason and then it’s struck by lightning and gains sentience and a horrifying claymation face. The skateboard, Rip (DeLuise) wisecracks and has magical powers, but is somehow the third most important thing going on in this movie.

The rest has something to do with an adult love triangle between Frank, Maggie and local car dealer Big Dan (Cliff De Young) who is trying to trick Maggie into marrying him because he’s a scumbag, he wants to own her crappy antique shop, AND there’s apparently buried treasure somewhere on the property he wants to steal. More hijinks ensue. One of the kids has the tiniest four wheeler in the world. Also there's a dog on the poster who's nowhere to be seen.

Podcast: Deathstalker II (1987)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (we always say that) to cover a movie that, as Mary Berry likes to say, ticks all the boxes. Roger Cormon, Jim Wynorski, ‘80s, swords and sandals, buff dudes, John Lazar... Deathstalker II has it all!

Deathstalker (John Terlesky) helps out a seer/princess Reena/Evie (Monique Gabrielle) regain her throne after the evil Jarek the Sorcerer (John Lazar) seizes the throne and clones an evil version of the princess to serve as his princess queen. Deathstalker is a swaggering mercenary who reluctantly goes on the mission, but stops a few times for side quests involving cemetery jewels. There are also amazons, nudity, wrestling, dwarves, bar fights, and a matter transmitting video phone bog.

Some Notes:

• Directed by Your Stupid Minds regular Jim Wynorski (Vampirella, Desert Thunder, Chopping Mall).
• Featuring some higgledy-piggledy world-building, including henchmen who claim to know Genghis Khan, Attila the Hun, and Ivan the Terrible; figures of history which span roughly 1,200 years.
• Featuring Dee Booher, a.k.a. Matilda the Hun from the original Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling television series. She is credited as Queen Kong, her roller derby name at the time.

Podcast: Black Scorpion (1995)

Direct download.

Joan Severance lays out some vigilante justice in the Roger Corman produced comic book inspired Showtime original movie Black Scorpion! The movie also resulted in a sequel and Sci-Fi Channel original series.

Believe it or not I couldn't find an embeddable trailer, so here's the full version.

Darcy Walker (Severance) is a girl raised by her murderous cop father Lt. Stan Walker (Rick Rossovich) with a scorpion infatuation. Stan stops methed out maniac at a hospital by gunning him down with a doctor between him and is kicked off the force. Darcy enters the force decades later and goes undercover as a prostitute to bring down a mass murderer. Her plans are put on hold when her father is gunned down in a bar, and she transforms into the Black Scorpion to lay down the law with her taser boots, taser scorpion ring, and whip.

Some Notes:

• Imagine how lame it would be if Batman named himself.
• All superhero origin movies need a "sewing together their costume" montage.
• Joan Severance also appeared in Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind and Hulk Hogan's No Holds Barred.