Saturday, August 20, 2016

Podcast: Carpool (1996)

It’s a special guest episode of Your Stupid Minds featuring Kaitlyn “Nick’s Sister” Nobel, a devoted fan of the podcast and resident Toyota Previa expert. Kaitlyn’s pick this time around is for a 1996 movie starring Tom Arnold, David Paymer, and Rhea Perlman: Carpool! Out a few years after Tom Arnold’s massive alimony payout from Rosanne, as well as his modicum of success in True Lies, Arnold decided to squander his career by starring in a bunch of crappy movies.

Daniel Miller (Paymer) has a big advertising presentation, but his wife is sick! This means he must take charge of the carpool and get his wiener kids (as well as some other neighbor wiener kids, including an extremely young, bronzed Rachael Leigh Cook) to school. Things take a turn for the worst when he’s kidnapped by bumbling robber Franklin (Arnold) on the run from an army of incompetent law enforcement agents. Their journey takes them to a hair salon, parking garage, and inside a local mall!

Can Detective Erdman (Kim Coates) and meter maid Martha (Perlman) stop the robber in time? Can we somehow get Tom Arnold in drag? Will the kids visit a creepy Joker-like indoor carnival? Listen to find out!

Some Notes:
  • Despite the trailer's straightforward narrative, this is actually a very confusing film.
  • The film takes place in Puget Sound but was shot in British Columbia. As a result, one of David Paymer's kids is Canadian while the other is not.
  • Chris gives a convincing legal defense as to why Franklin wouldn't (and possibly shouldn't) serve jail time for his alleged crimes.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Podcast: Supernova (2000)

This is it, the big finale of our "great directors making horrible films" summer concludes with Walter Hill (credited as Thomas Lee)'s Supernova! Nick Vanzant (James Spader) is a newcomer to the crew of the Nightingale 229, a medical ship populated by actors on their way to TV superstardom (in a decade).

Possibly the worst trailer of all time.

Nick and Dr. Evers (Angela Bassett) hate each other but then love each other, but a rescue mission turns into a total rip-off of It! the Terror From Beyond Space, when they save Troy, the son of Angela Bassett's old no-goodnik flame Karl (Peter Facinelli). "Troy" turns out to be a web of smug lies smuggling proof of alien life, a Georgia O'Keeffe-like contraption that seems to have strange side effects like increasing T-count and turning people evil, on board the Nightingale. Will sexy James Spader and Angela Bassett be able to jettison the space-scum before it's too late?

Some Space-Notes:
  • Noted Troll Armond White loved Starcrash, I mean, Supernova. His review is here.
  • Does touching the Space Vagina (© 2016 Your Stupid Minds) turn you into a Teenage Caveman? It probably does.
  • The truly bizarre story of Francis Ford Coppola's cutting edge butt-darkening technology has been detailed elsewhere on the internet, but it's super weird and worth telling again. A very brief scene of zero-g sex between Bassett and Spader was created from existing footage involving two completely different (white) actors, one of whom was then darkened with CGI. The scene is available here.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Podcast: The Toy (1982)

Your Stupid Minds continues its "great directors making terrible films" series with Richard Donner and Richard Pryor's unfortunate The Toy!

Down on his luck Jack Brown (Pryor) is a reporter who can't get hired by the one newspaper in town because it's owned by a racist multi-millionaire (Jackie Gleason). After getting fired by Gleason after attempting to work as a "cleaning lady," Pryor does a physical comedy routine while listening to headphones, only to be inadvertently "purchased" by Eric "Master" Bates, Gleason's bratty son. What follows is a series of loosely connected vignettes tied together by Pryor alternately humiliating himself and getting upset at being humiliated by others like some sort of live-action Daffy Duck.

Some Notes:
  • This is one of several not-so-great Pryor films to come in the immediate wake of Pryor suffering third-degree burns in 1980.
  • The film is based on a French farce, which probably still makes about 100% more sense.
  • The Toy is set and filmed in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and highlights the implicit (and sometimes explicit) racial issues in the area. Glad that was all taken care of!
  • A Confederacy of Dunces is a great novel and Chris and Nick make references to it this episode.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Podcast: Piranha Part Two: The Spawning (1981)

Continuing our loose theme of Not-So-Good Movies by Great Directors, we have 1981’s sequel to the Roger Corman classic Piranha. It’s Piranha Part Two: The Spawning! Or Piranha II: The Spawning. Or The Spawning. Or Piranha 2. Or Piranha II: Flying Killers. “Directed” by James Cameron! In actuality, Cameron was brought in as a patsy and quickly fired so writer and producer Ovidio G. Assonitis could finish the project himself.

Anne Kimbrough (Tricia O’Neil) is a scuba instructor and marine biologist drop-out who teaches tourists how to deep dive at Hotel Elysium, a resort on an unnamed Caribbean island that is, for all intents and purposes, Jamaica.

Her estranged husband Steve (Aliens’s Lance Henricksen) is on her case about all sorts of things, particularly the mangled corpse of a tourist found during one of her classes. Her breaking into the morgue to examine the body with new beau Tyler (Steve Marachuk) doesn’t help things either. The culprit is a school of homicidal genetically spliced flying piranhas, and everyone must find a way to stop them before the titular “spawning,” and event in which tourists get drunk and beat mating grunion to death on the beach.

Some Notes:
  • ProRead: Check out Piranha II's completely overwritten Wikipedia page.
  • Aggressively Semitic would be a great name for an Israeli action movie.
  • Everyone in the '80s would not stop talking about that sweet sunken ship on that unnamed Caribbean island.
  • James Cameron has called this "the best flying piranha film ever made."
  • Your Stupid Minds is now on Stitcher! So if you use Stitcher, you could, you know, listen to us that way too.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Podcast: Jack (1996)

Direct download.

You demanded it and we delivered! Actually, no one requested this movie, and we may catch some flak for reviewing it. Francis Ford Coppola slums it in the cash grab maudlin 90s with Jack!

Robin Williams (also slumming it) plays Jack, a ten year old boy with a fictional medical condition that causes him to age at four times the normal rate. This gives Williams ample opportunity to utilize his deadpan imitation of a five year old boy. But just in case you thought this movie was funny, it frequently vacillates from goofy romp to melancholy reflection on mortality more quickly than an episode of M*A*S*H. Also starring Jennifer Lopez, Bill Cosby, Diane Lane, and Fran Drescher.

Some Notes:

  • "Four out of five stars!" -10 year old Nick Nobel
  • After One from the Heart led to Coppola to file for bankruptcy, he spent much of the '80s and '90s taking on director for hire type roles to pay the bills. While he never returned to his '70s glory, he does make a pretty good wine!

Monday, May 30, 2016

Podcast: Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Your Stupid Minds finally covers one of the A-listers in the schlock movie pantheon: Andy Sidaris’s Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Sidaris was a sports director who decided to jump over to 1980s sexploitation flicks. With muse and former Playmate of the Month Dona Speir, he went on a quest to create the most bonkers action films of the decade.

Donna (Spier) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are buxom drug agents who stumble on an RC helicopter-based diamond smuggling drug ring. They elicit the help of boyfriend agent Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (South Florida kickboxing superstar Harold Diamond) to rescue their friend and blow up as many things as possible. There’s also a contaminated killer snake, several deaths by Bazooka, a zany handstand skateboarding assassin, and a spiked death frisbee.

Some Notes:
  • Other films in the Sidaris shared universe: Malibu Express, Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach, Guns, Do or Die, Hard Hunted, Fit to Kill, and many more!
  • Sidaris was famous for pioneering the "honey shot" during sporting events. This involved close-ups of sexy ladies throughout the game. Sports was a very dull affair before he came along.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Podcast: Bonus 100th Episode Clip Spectacular

It's Your Stupid Minds' Bonus 100th Episode Clip Spectacular! Featuring some of our (and your) favorite moments from the last 100 episodes. Don't expect a breakdown of each clip because we don't want to right now! We hope you enjoy this compilation of what we think our our best bits, skits, discussions, and songs from the last four years. See you again after episode 200!