Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Podcast: Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)

Direct download.


Your Stupid Minds delves into well-trodden bad movie territory with the notoriously terrible animated Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On. We may not have the annoying falsetto screech of The Nostalgia Critic, or the deep-seated racism of JonTron, but we do have notable animal lover and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson back on the podcast.


Angelica (Lisa Russo) is a lowly beautiful servant who looks strikingly like Anastasia. She meets the rich and handsome William (Mark Thompson-Ashworth) who gropes her laundry and they fall in love. meanwhile, a menagerie of obnoxious talking animals, including a rapping dog, a noble French mouse who looks like Fievel, and a trio of horrible Mexican mice stereotypes, sing tonally inappropriate songs about partying and dancing. Then the boat sinks and almost no one dies, thus tarnishing the legacy of the 1,500 actual people who perished in this real life tragedy.

We should also note some discrepancy in iceberg sizes and presentation.

The shot when the lookouts discover the iceberg in Titanic. Notice the darkness of the frame helps the theory that they're not complete idiots.

...And the brightly lit Mount Kilimanjarian iceberg featured in Titanic: The Legend Goes On.
Some Notes:

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Podcast: Ghost in the Machine (1993)

Direct download.


In honor of the probably mediocre renter Ghost in the Shell coming to theaters, Your Stupid Minds reviewed something that kinda sounds like it: 1993’s Ghost in the Machine, starring Karen Allen (Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Sandlot), Chris Mulkey (Twin Peaks), and Jessica Walter (Dr. Strange, Arrested Development).


The Address Book Killer (Ted Marcoux) is a local weirdo who works in a computer store. After acquiring Terry Munroe’s (Allen) partially digitized address book, he drives off into a torrential thunderstorm to murder her and her friends. He gets into a car accident and a power surge while inside an MRI machine scans his entire body and consciousness into the internet so he can continue his murderous rampage as a ghost in the machine (literally!).

Meanwhile Bram Walker (Mulkey) is a down and out super hacker who helps Terry and her wiener son catch the killer. Featuring some wonderfully gruesome deaths involving a microwave, pool cover, and dishwasher.

Some Notes:

  • Known errors on the Ghost in the Machine Wikipedia page:
    • "Moments later he dies as the police and ambulance arrives to the scene." Wrong. Why would they put him into an MRI machine if he was dead?
    • "Her co-worker, Frank Mallory (Richard McKenzie), becomes the first victim when he dies in an electrical fire." Wrong. The microwave boils him to death.
    • "Another friend, Elliot Kastner (Jack Laufer), gets burned to death when a hand dryer turns into a flamethrower." They're not just friends. They're dating.
    • "Terry's mother was shot during the siege and she goes to the hospital for recovery. Wrong. They say "she's in shock." There's no evidence she was shot.
    • "Aided by Bram and Terry, Josh manages to defeat Karl by introducing a computer virus that traps him in a physics laboratory." None of this happens.
  • Chris's Scott Adams joke is related to this crazypants Bloomberg article about the Dilbert creator where he reveals he has three microwaves in his custom-made kitchen so he "can make a lot of popcorn at once."
  • Lawsuit count: Six. Malpractice, malfunctioning microwave, malfunctioning pool cover, unsafe virtual reality pod, malfunctioning dishwasher, and police brutality.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Podcast: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

Direct download.



Your Stupid Minds tries a semi-new release before the other big name bad movie podcasts can take a crack at it: Fifty Shades Darker! Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) return per contractual obligation for this needless sequel to the passable first film Fifty Shades of Grey.


Ana and Christian are broken up. And when you break up with someone, it’s important to just move on. Just kidding! You should buy several photographs of her at a public gallery, follow her around and maintain a dossier with her picture and measurements. Luckily this works (when you’re a billionaire), so the lovers reconcile and proceed with progressively kinkier “vanilla” sex.

Unfortunately their disgusting love is tainted by pockets of tension which quickly dissipate, such as a rapist boss with the on-the-nose villain name of Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), crazy ex-lover Leila (Bella Heathcote), older abuser Elena (Kim Basinger), and third act helicopter malfunction. The movie is mostly Batman Returns at this point, except with Christian being much more manipulative and aloof than Bruce Wayne.

Some Notes:
  • Yes we are two men, so we can't help but compare Christian to Batman the entire time.
  • Keep an eye out for Chekhov's Aspen Cottage in the film which never pays off.
  • How made shades of grey are there, anyway?
  • "I want to go to a masquerade." "...You want to go to a mass grave??"

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Podcast: First Kid (1996)

 



Your Stupid Minds is staying political with 1996’s First Kid. Haven’t you wanted to see what would happen if a snot-nosed child of the President of the United States teamed up with Sinbad? Your wish has come true!


Luke Davenport (Brock Pierce) is the teenaged son of the president. He doesn’t get along with his current Secret Service agent, so Sam Simms (Sinbad) is assigned to his detail. He sneaks him out of the White House, teaches him how to fight against prep school bully Rob (Zachery Ty Bryan), and gives him the moves to get the girl.

Some Notes:
  • Is it really FDR on the dime? Or is it Harry Truman?
  • This movie exists in an alternate universe where Bill Clinton loses the 1996 election but is still on good terms with the candidate who defeated him.
  • If someone is named "moongoose12" in a snake-themed chatroom, don't trust that person.
  • LOL. (laugh out loud)
  • All First Kids had a secret cry hole.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Podcast: Barb Wire (1996)



Your Stupid Minds brings you a chilling tale of things to come (or are) with 1996's Barb Wire. See if any of this sounds familiar to you.


Uh huh. Yeah, this sounds like where we're going.


Sure. Martial Law. Congressional Directorate. Old democracy overthrown. Sounds familiar. What year does this take place?


THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Barb Wire pinpointed where we were going with shocking accuracy.

In any case, it's a sexy comic book adaptation with Pamela Anderson (Barb Wire). Udo Kier is also there. It's a shoddy dystopian remake of Casablanca. It's based on a Dark Horse comic book. Enjoy!

Some Notes:

Monday, January 16, 2017

Podcast: Pass Thru (2016)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out the Neil Breen oeuvre with 2015/2016’s Pass Thru, brought to you by a purchased $30 standard def DVD from the Breenster himself!


Falling into Breen’s “foreign being committing mass murder for the sake of humanity” genre, Pass Thru is about a time-traveling alien named “Tghil” (named after a yogurt container) who embodies the corporeal form of a heroin-addicted loser to bring benevolent genocide to the world. He befriends a multicultural aunt/niece combo to take on the corrupt politicians, hypocritical media, and greedy CEOs while a group of tenacious young astronomers try to seek him out.

Some Notes:
  • Do you think you'd survive the Breen genocide?
  • "It's like watching a post-apocalyptic Hamilton!" -Nick Nobel, Your Stupid Minds
  • "This just in: The bank president is missing. Which one? The worst one? It is almost as if all the pieces of shit are gone."
  • Be cool kids like us and buy Pass-Thru on http://www.pass-thru-film.com/ That's right, Neil has moved on from his .biz roots!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Podcast: The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

Direct download.


Merry Christmas from Your Stupid Minds! We celebrate the holiday with a middling shelved Hungarian/UK adaptation of Tchaikovsky’s classic, with 2010’s The Nutcracker in 3D! Starring a young Elle Fanning as Mary, John Turturro as The Rat King, and Nathan Lane as Uncle Albert Einstein (yes this actually happened in the movie).


When Uncle Albert brings over a Nutcracker and dollhouse for his niece Mary and hellish toy-destroying Nephew Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), the Nutcracker comes to life, along with the dolls inside the house! Mary travels to a dream world full of Nazi-horrors, as the fascist Rat King has taken over the Nutcracker’s kingdom and genocided all the toys. It’s up to Mary, the Nutcracker, a harlequin clown, a chimp man, and a Rastafarian drummer boy to save the day. Also Sigmund Freud is briefly in the movie.

Some Notes:
  • Apologies for all the Maxes in the world. I tried to defend you but Hollywood just wants to cast you to commit toy hate crimes.
  • Quick note about Nathan Lane vermin-related movies (The Nutcracker in 3D, Stuart Little, Mouse Hunt). The Stuart Little screenplay was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
  • The Rat King's song when he electrocutes a shark.