Monday, June 26, 2017

Podcast: Look Who's Talking Now (1993)

Direct download.



Trigger Warning: Even though no children should ever listen to this podcast, there is a sequence where we talk at length and repeatedly about the 100% irrefutable fact that Santa Claus is not real. If you are an irresponsible parent whose children can listen to profanity-laced podcasts yet still hold onto the worldwide delusion as to the existence of a fat man who breaks into your house and gives you presents, you have been warned.

Your Stupid Minds covers the third and therefore best entry in the Look Who’s Talking franchise, Look Who’s Talking Now! Released and taking place three years since the last movie, James (John Travolta) and Mollie Ubriacco (Kirstie Alley) return to their iconic roles. This time Mikey (David Gallagher, a.k.a Simon From 7th Heaven) and Julie (Tabitha Lupien) are older and have their own voices, but guess who can talk? The dogs! And no other kinds of animals! Danny Devito and Diane Keaton come on as Rocks the mutt and Daphne the prissy poodle, respectively.


With Mollie recently out of a job and James getting a new high-flying gig with a sexy female boss (Lysette Anthony), will their marriage hold together? Considering James shows absolutely no interest in this wealthy British adulteress, yes! But also they get two new dogs and they can talk (to each other) and boy do they not get along until later when they do! Also a little girl schools Charles Barkley on the bball court during a dream sequence. Believe it or not this movie did not make much money.

Some Notes:

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Podcast: God's Not Dead 2

Direct download.



This time around Your Stupid Minds delves into the scary alternate universe science fiction dystopia in Pure Flix’s God’s Not Dead 2. Producer and "Pastor Dave" David A.R. White returns with an all-star cast that dwarfs the middling '90s television actors of the first film (Dean Cain, Kevin Sorbo), with some people who can actually act.


Grace Wesley (Melissa Joan Hart) is a saintly Christian high school history teacher who gets into hot water for answering a direct question about Jesus in her AP U.S. History class. Evil atheist ACLU lawyer Peter Kane (Ray Wise) descends on the small Arkansas town to prove once and for all that God is dead (by proving the existence of the Establishment Clause). Can the Crusaders for good defend this attack on religion? Is Pat Boone Melissa Joan Hart’s dad or husband? Did any of the filmmakers actually talk to a lawyer before writing this? Will any more minorities be slapped in the face by overbearing anti-Christian fathers in God’s Not Dead 3? Only time will tell.

Some Notes:

  • According to the ACLU website, "[t]he history of religion, comparative religion, the Bible (or other scripture)-as-literature (either as a separate course or within some other existing course), are all permissible public school subjects. It is both permissible and desirable to teach objectively about the role of religion in the history of the United States and other countries. One can teach that the Pilgrims came to this country with a particular religious vision, that Catholics and others have been subject to persecution or that many of those participating in the abolitionist, women's suffrage and civil rights movements had religious motivations."
  • According to Thomas Jefferson's Letter to the Danbury Baptists: "I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church & State" (emphasis mine).
  • According to the Pew Research Center, 70.6% of Americans identify as Christian, with a whopping 25.4% identifying as Evangelical Protestant.
  • Apologies for all of the political stuff. We promise to do an episode about a talking dog or something soon.


Friday, May 26, 2017

Podcast: Alone in the Dark (2005)

Direct download.



Bad movie expert Nathan Smith returns to the podcast with another Uwe Boll masterpiece, his sophomore entry into his mid 2000s video game trilogy (I know he’s done more but House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and BloodRayne are the gold standard) Alone in the Dark!

For reason reason I could only find the full trailer in German.

Based on a computer game no one’s played, this one features Christian Slater as a globetrotting paranormal investigator, Tara Reid as an archeologist and expert in fictional ancient languages, and Stephen Dorff as the head of Bureau 713, a secret government organization that seeks to protect the world from paranormal dangers. An evil old man tries to unlock monsters from the legend of the ancient Mayan-like civilization the Abkani, and it’s up to the team to stop him. Or open it before him? It isn’t entirely clear.

Some Notes:

  • A great Something Awful piece from the initial screenwriter of Alone in the Dark who quit the project.
  • Even though Christian Slater says his name in the movie, the security guard is only known as "Guard" in the credits.
  • Who's a bigger star? Jürgen Prochnow (Das Boot, Dune) or Clint Howard (Apollo 13, Santa with Muscles)?
  • Ho-Sung Pak, who plays Liu Kang in the video games for Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat II, is also Agent Marko in Alone in the Dark. Marko dies when he falls into a pit of spikes.
  • The full chorus lyrics for the hit song "I Wish I Had a Hoagie" by Nightlunch:
    • I wish I had a hoagie
      For one moment of lunch
      I wish I had your hoagie
      Your pastrami on a bun
      I'm in love with my crust
      Burning toast it is a must
      I wish I had your hoagie tonight

Friday, May 12, 2017

Podcast: Double Trouble (1992)

 
 Direct download.



The Barbarian Twins Peter and Paul David (from The Barbarians) return to the podcast. Instead of a Conan the Barbarian ripoff that showcases the fact they’re two buff twins, they’re now in a buddy cop comedy that showcases the fact they’re two buff twins.

Peter Jade (Peter Paul) and David Jade (David Paul) are two buff twins whose life paths have diverged. David is a cop in an LA Raiders children’s sweatshirt and mom jeans, while Peter is a slick suit-wearing cat burglar. Despite their estrangement, they apparently still coordinate on workout regimens and mullet hairstyles, but that’s another story.

When Peter steals diamonds and a secret key code for a diamond vault, all-around super-villain Philip Chamberlain (Roddy McDowell) is out for blood. To solve the case, the two brothers must team up and stop the heist before it comes to fruition. Also David Carradine is in one scene.


I couldn't find a trailer so here's the entire movie.

Some Notes:
  • Story by groundbreaking auteur Kurt Wimmer (Equilibrium, Ultraviolet, One Tough Bastard).
  • If you know the best way to flip an airplane without snapping the wings off please write a WikiHow entry for it.
  • Fun Fact: The Raiders were in Los Angeles before moving to Oakland.
  • Fun Fact: Satellite dishes used to be bigger.
  • Star Trek's James Doohan appears as the sitting police chief in the film, both status-wise and literally.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Podcast: Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)

Direct download.


Your Stupid Minds delves into well-trodden bad movie territory with the notoriously terrible animated Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On. We may not have the annoying falsetto screech of The Nostalgia Critic, or the deep-seated racism of JonTron, but we do have notable animal lover and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson back on the podcast.


Angelica (Lisa Russo) is a lowly beautiful servant who looks strikingly like Anastasia. She meets the rich and handsome William (Mark Thompson-Ashworth) who gropes her laundry and they fall in love. meanwhile, a menagerie of obnoxious talking animals, including a rapping dog, a noble French mouse who looks like Fievel, and a trio of horrible Mexican mice stereotypes, sing tonally inappropriate songs about partying and dancing. Then the boat sinks and almost no one dies, thus tarnishing the legacy of the 1,500 actual people who perished in this real life tragedy.

We should also note some discrepancy in iceberg sizes and presentation.

The shot when the lookouts discover the iceberg in Titanic. Notice the darkness of the frame helps the theory that they're not complete idiots.

...And the brightly lit Mount Kilimanjarian iceberg featured in Titanic: The Legend Goes On.
Some Notes:

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Podcast: Ghost in the Machine (1993)

Direct download.


In honor of the probably mediocre renter Ghost in the Shell coming to theaters, Your Stupid Minds reviewed something that kinda sounds like it: 1993’s Ghost in the Machine, starring Karen Allen (Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Sandlot), Chris Mulkey (Twin Peaks), and Jessica Walter (Dr. Strange, Arrested Development).


The Address Book Killer (Ted Marcoux) is a local weirdo who works in a computer store. After acquiring Terry Munroe’s (Allen) partially digitized address book, he drives off into a torrential thunderstorm to murder her and her friends. He gets into a car accident and a power surge while inside an MRI machine scans his entire body and consciousness into the internet so he can continue his murderous rampage as a ghost in the machine (literally!).

Meanwhile Bram Walker (Mulkey) is a down and out super hacker who helps Terry and her wiener son catch the killer. Featuring some wonderfully gruesome deaths involving a microwave, pool cover, and dishwasher.

Some Notes:

  • Known errors on the Ghost in the Machine Wikipedia page:
    • "Moments later he dies as the police and ambulance arrives to the scene." Wrong. Why would they put him into an MRI machine if he was dead?
    • "Her co-worker, Frank Mallory (Richard McKenzie), becomes the first victim when he dies in an electrical fire." Wrong. The microwave boils him to death.
    • "Another friend, Elliot Kastner (Jack Laufer), gets burned to death when a hand dryer turns into a flamethrower." They're not just friends. They're dating.
    • "Terry's mother was shot during the siege and she goes to the hospital for recovery. Wrong. They say "she's in shock." There's no evidence she was shot.
    • "Aided by Bram and Terry, Josh manages to defeat Karl by introducing a computer virus that traps him in a physics laboratory." None of this happens.
  • Chris's Scott Adams joke is related to this crazypants Bloomberg article about the Dilbert creator where he reveals he has three microwaves in his custom-made kitchen so he "can make a lot of popcorn at once."
  • Lawsuit count: Six. Malpractice, malfunctioning microwave, malfunctioning pool cover, unsafe virtual reality pod, malfunctioning dishwasher, and police brutality.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Podcast: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

Direct download.



Your Stupid Minds tries a semi-new release before the other big name bad movie podcasts can take a crack at it: Fifty Shades Darker! Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) return per contractual obligation for this needless sequel to the passable first film Fifty Shades of Grey.


Ana and Christian are broken up. And when you break up with someone, it’s important to just move on. Just kidding! You should buy several photographs of her at a public gallery, follow her around and maintain a dossier with her picture and measurements. Luckily this works (when you’re a billionaire), so the lovers reconcile and proceed with progressively kinkier “vanilla” sex.

Unfortunately their disgusting love is tainted by pockets of tension which quickly dissipate, such as a rapist boss with the on-the-nose villain name of Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), crazy ex-lover Leila (Bella Heathcote), older abuser Elena (Kim Basinger), and third act helicopter malfunction. The movie is mostly Batman Returns at this point, except with Christian being much more manipulative and aloof than Bruce Wayne.

Some Notes:
  • Yes we are two men, so we can't help but compare Christian to Batman the entire time.
  • Keep an eye out for Chekhov's Aspen Cottage in the film which never pays off.
  • How made shades of grey are there, anyway?
  • "I want to go to a masquerade." "...You want to go to a mass grave??"