Friday, February 21, 2020

Podcast: Sniper: Special Ops (2016)

 Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds reviews Sniper: Special Ops based solely on its horrific Photoshop Frankenstein DVD cover. And Steven Seagal is in it.

Jake (Seagal) is a 65-year-old elite Army sniper on a mission in Afghanistan (which has geography that in no way resembles Southern California) to save a kidnapped congressman. The squad leader Vic (Tim Abell) is also present, along with Vasquez, (wrestler Rob Van Dam) and some other people. Jake shoots two dudes with the sniper rifle, then it breaks and he never uses it again. One squad member is shot in the spine and unable to evacuate via the Humvee, so Jake stays with him out of the goodness of his heart (and not because leaving would require him to descend a number of stairs).

After the mission, the movie shifts completely to a story about a broken truck and a women with her child. There is also a plucky Lois Lane-like reporter Janet (Charlene Amoia). These storylines eventually converge, sort of, and Seagal stays seated for most of the movie.

Featured Music:
Crossing the Chasm by Kevin MacLeod

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Podcast: The Fanatic (2019)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds enters 2020 with one of the worst of 2019: the John Travolta starring, Fred Durst directed movie out of time The Fanatic.

Moose (Travolta) is a Los Angeles resident obsessed with the past-his-prime action star Hunter Dunbar (Devon Sawa). He gets access to a premiere party only to discover he isn’t there. After multiple attempts to make contact, his friend Leah (Ana Golja) points him to an app that maps celebrities’ homes. He uses this opportunity to stalk Dunbar and do a bunch of other weird things.

Some Notes:
  • In an inexplicable scene that stops the movie cold, "The Truth," a 15 year old Limp Bizkit song that no one knows, is featured prominently.
  • Devon Sawa plays the celebrity at the center of a stalking. Sawa famously played the eponymous "Stan" in the Eminem music video.
  • "All in the Family" by Korn featuring Fred Durst is the worst song of all time.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Podcast: A Very Nutty Christmas (2018)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds celebrates the holiday season, nutcrackers, Lifetime movies, and incest-based coffee commercials with our latest episode of 2018’s A Very Nutty Christmas!

Kate Holiday (Melissa Joan Hart) is a woman who doesn’t dislike Christmas but is generally stressed out by it. She’s a baker and has to bake a lot of cookies for the holidays. After her actor/Santa boyfriend Mark (Ryan Caltagirone) dumps her, she acquires the original nutcracker toy which inspired the Nutcracker ballet.

Needless to say it comes to life as a hunky guy named Chip (played by the older brother of Simon from 7th Heaven) and they become boyfriend and girlfriend. He teaches her about the meaning of Christmas by saving her bakery while working on poverty wages and cracking a lot of nuts with his bare hands.

Some Notes:
  • This movie has some very nutty IMDb accoutrement, including this trivia: "In the Lifetime movie Santa Con, Melissa Joan Hart and Barry Watson played siblings, here they play romantic interests." This inspired a conversation between Nick and Chris regarding the infamous Folgers Coffee incest commercial. Two days after the podcast recording, GQ published an extremely comprehensive oral history of said ad.
  • IMDb Goofs: "When arriving at the theater, Kate is being repeatedly shushed by the audience while she's yelling at Chip, and she finally shushes the audience right back; at that moment an extra right behind her--a blonde lady wearing a pearl necklace--can't help herself but grin broadly and sweetly at Melissa, thereby breaking character: she, (along with the rest of the audience) is supposed to be very upset at Kate for yelling so much and disrupting the peace, but we can tell from that lady's sweet smile and tender look at the actress, that she was amused by how well Melissa performed her aggravation in that scene. This goof turned into a very cute moment."

Monday, November 4, 2019

Podcast: Demon Wind (1990)

Special guest Adam Pecht returns to Your Stupid Minds to cover another poorly thought out and shoddily made horror film: 1990’s Demon Wind!

Cory (Eric Larson) and his girlfriend Elaine (Francine Lapensée) visit the beautiful Napa Valley. The recent suicide of Cory's father compels him to visit his family’s old home. He assembles ten of his closest friends to help with the investigation, including Elaine’s jock ex-boyfriend Dell (T-Force’s Bobby Johnston), some nerd (Stephen Quadros), and a magician who is probably their drug dealer (Rufus Norris).

Despite the creepy gas station owner warning them, they go to the house and encounter a bunch of creepy stuff, such as a minotaur head, weird demon children who turn people into dolls, skeletons, flying knifes, a handwritten book with Latin phrases, and so on. Needless to say they all die and/or turn into Star Trek aliens. Spoiler alert.

Some Notes:
  • Available on Amazon Prime with really lazy captions. There's also a recently-released Blu-ray.
  • Shot on "short ends," meaning the discarded extra film from other movies.
  • The omnipresent fog was not intentional, but a freak occurrence while filming. The filmmakers decided to roll with it. Funnily enough, "fog" is not the same thing as "wind."
  • For more of the special guest, listen to our episode for Dracula 3D, where Adam also appears.

Monday, September 23, 2019

Podcast: Milk Money (1994)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds dips into a movie too tawdry for children and too stupid for adults: 1994’s Milk Money.

A trio of 11-year-old boys saves up to purchase the services of a sex worker so they can see her naked (which is probably what they think sex is). When V (Melanie Griffith), a prostitute in the big city, agrees, circumstances bring her to their bucolic suburb where she lives in one of the boys’ treehouse and strikes up a romance with his widower father Tom (Ed Harris). There’s also something about stolen mob money, threatened wetlands, and a frilly leather jacket. Malcolm McDowell and Anne Heche are also in there somewhere.

Some Notes:
  • Paramount bought the Milk Money screenplay for $1.1 million despite it being, by all objective measures, a very bad screenplay.
  • Available on Amazon Prime. The vast majority of the captions are truncated beyond recognition and barely resemble the actual lines spoken in the film. This often improves the dialogue.
  • The way the boy treats V is vaguely similar to the relationship in The Toy. Another movie with "toy" in the title is Toy Story. Randy Newman does the soundtrack for Toy Story. Randy Newman also has a song in Milk Money. Coincidence???

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Podcast: Blind Fury (1989)

In honor of the (now not so recently) late legend Rutger Hauer, Your Stupid Minds covers one of our favorite Hauer films. No, not Blade Runner. Come on. You know what kind of podcast this is. It’s 1989’s Blind Fury!

Nick Parker (Hauer) is an American solider in Vietnam blinded by Viet Cong shrapnel. He’s taken in by local villagers and taught the ways of the sword through elaborate bullying and pranks. Years later, he finds himself plopped into southern Florida as a friendly hobo.

He goes to visit his old army buddy Frank (Terry O’Quinn), and instead finds his son Billy (Brandon Call) and soon-to-be-ex-wife Lynn (Meg Foster). The house is invaded by some goons and Nick must bring Billy back to his father and get to the bottom of this attack.

Some Notes:
  • Loosely based on the classic Japanese film and television character Zatoichi.
  • Also featuring Randall 'Tex' Cobb (Raising Arizona), Nick Cassavetes (Face/Off), and Shô Kosugi (Ninja III: The Domination).

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Podcast: Kid Cop (1996)

After a thorough and inefficient search of the Amazon Prime streaming options, Your Stupid Minds settles on the most ridiculously titled ‘90s direct-to-video release in its general eyeshot: 1996’s Kid Cop!

Sorry, I couldn't find a trailer. Here's a link to the Amazon Prime version.

A kid cop (Jer Adrianne Lelliott) insists on being a kid cop after his adult cop dad is killed in the line of duty. His mother (Alexandra Paul) is concerned, but somewhat relieved that Kid Cop is guided by the man who did not prevent her husband’s death, his partner Frank (Edward Albert). Kid Cop finds a pattern in a series of burglaries around town, and eventually suspects a pair of newcomers to town: The ice cream truck owners Beverly and Stan (Cindy Pickett and John Rubinstein). He elicits the help of his new friend Lisa (Bethany Richards) and thwarts a heinous gold coin heist by these outsider monsters.

Some Notes:
  • Edward Albert, who plays Frank, is the son of Green Acres star Eddie Albert and Mexican actress/dancer Margo.
  • Lewis Arquette, who plays the mayor, is the father of Rosanna Arquette, Patricia Arquette, Alexis Arquette, Richmond Arquette, and David Arquette.
  • Sondra Currie appears in the film, and was also in a number of exploitation films, as well as The Hangover Parts I-III.
  • Bethany Richards, who plays Lisa, is the sister of Ariana Richards, who plays Lex in Jurassic Park.
  • Kid Cop's favorite ice cream treat is a "Slide-Up," which is likely a genericization of a Nestlé® Push-Up® Pop, notable for including Flintstones characters. Not to be confused with a Push Pop, which is a giant Jolly Rancher in tube form.