Rex Reed: Bad For Everyone

Rex Reed of the New York Observer has been an outspoken advocate of the decline of quality criticism and the rise of the uninformed "my opinion is equally valid" Internet culture that has arrived on the scene to review film in the past 15 years. In a way, he's right: I already addressed the problems of film criticism here, in a different rant. But unfortunately Reed's own criticism is typically a poorly written caricature of a snooty film snob, to the point that it's hard to tell whether any given snooty pseudo-intellectual nonsense quote is actually from him or made up. So I made a game of it! Try to guess which of the following quotes actually come from Rex Reed or me, making things up while holding my pinky in mid-air so I can emulate Reed's style.

Transformers: The Movie (1986)

We all know what to expect from movies based on cartoons, right? A bigger scope, a bigger budget, a new threat, an inexplicable team-up with Courtney Cox? In a lot of ways, Transformers: The Movie hits all those notes. The action is a little more intense, we're jumped 20 years into the future, and the animation quality is improved. Then, towards the end of the first act, or what would probably be the end of an episode if this were broken into separate episodes and aired on TV, Optimus Prime dies. In a summer movie made for children, the leader of the Autobots dies early on and does not return.

Spoiler alert.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Fresh off the success of Halloween 1 and 2, producer John Carpenter had a crazy idea: what if the next Halloween movie doesn't have Michael Myers? He dreamed of a world of annual "twilight zone" tales of the macabre without a total dependence on a monster in a series of worsening films. Shockingly, it turned out even worse than my spec-script for "Saw 7" about a haunted house (with no Jigsaw or saws of any kind).

Thanks for the vital data, JJ Abrams!

Starship Troopers (1997)

What it is: Starship Troopers, the 1997 Paul Verhoeven sci-fi film "inspired" by Robert Heinlein's 1959 novel of the same name.

Why you should watch it: Heinlein's novel is a straightforward and technologically innovative ode to militarized society. Verhoeven read the first few chapters and thought: "What if instead of two hours about bootcamp and civic duty I showed a bunch of prettyboys in Nazi uniforms getting their guts ripped out by giant bugs?"

Well? Do you?

Black Sunday (1960)

Slightly altered review format this week: cutting more of the "review" aspects, leaving more commentary and information.

What it is: Black Sunday, also known as "The Mask of Satan."

Black Sunday also has suitably creepy promotional art.

Why you should watch it: It's the directorial debut of Mario Bava, one of the greats in the horror genre. It's also the debut of Barbara Steele, a large-eyed actress who would go on to star in dozens of B-movie horror before making brief appearances in people inspired by her work: people like Jonathan Demme in Caged Heat, and David Cronenberg in 1975's Shivers.

Liquid Sky (1982)

A film that would need would need lithium in order to be considered "Lynchian," Liquid Sky was released in 1982 at the height of the New Wave movement. Liquid Sky serves as a sort of synecdoche of the movement, full of bizarre costumes, confused gender roles, and synth music that infects your brain. It's not exactly "good," but it holds a bizarre appeal: a good box cover quote might be "...mesmerizing..."

Corpse-chic.

They Live (1988)

John Carpenter's They Live opens in a modern day (late 80s) and slightly more poverty-stricken representation of Los Angeles. Nada ("Rowdy" Roddy Piper) rides the rails from Colorado looking for work, and manages to land a construction job which allows him the opportunity to remove his shirt while making money. The job gives him enough cash to afford a reasonably sized shanty in the Hooverville down the street. He notices some suspicious activity in the church across the way, which coincides with recent hackings of local television stations. Unfortunately nobody seems very keen on a sweaty bearded man's face yelling at them, so this effort often falls upon deaf ears.

Wake up from your living consumerist dreamscape and I'll give you that Super Soaker you always wanted.