Friday, August 8, 2014

Podcast: Highlander: Endgame (2000)

We continue our theme of “Unnecessary Sequels Readily Available on Netflix Which Involve Immortality, Resurrection, and Christian-motifed Revenge Plots” to bring you our second reviewed Highlander movie: Highlander: Endgame!

Wiping away all memories of Highlander II: The Quickening, Endgame brings in the star of the Highlander television series Duncan MacLeod (Adrian Paul) as he carries the torch from the ridiculously haircutted Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert). Evil highlander Jacob Kell (YSM favorite Bruce Payne) is killing highlanders in some elaborate 500 year old revenge plot, and it’s up to Duncan to stop him. There are also large gaps in the highlander mythos which we assume are filled by Highlander III: The Sorcerer and the television series, though Endgame does a poor job of bringing us into the fold. Mostly the movie is a mishmash of self-contradicting highlander rules enforced by either the Watchers, a mortal group calculating highlander power levels, or no one. It’s not entirely clear.

If you like horrible period drama wigs, a confusing confluence of western and eastern influences, and Bruce Payne mugging his way through the movie, Highlander: Endgame may be for you! We’ll do our best to nitpick highlander rules, contemplate the aggressive nature of immortal sex, and discuss the prevalence of the White Guy Karate throughout the film.

Some Notes:

  • Please direct complaints to: Duncan MacLeod, 123 Highlander Street, Scotland.
  • In adherence to Rule 34, here's a link to a Google search of Highlander slash fiction (probably NSFW). This genre has apparently lied dormant for a while, since most website devoted to the topic are still within a Highlander webring.
  • If you're able to kill an immortal by cutting off its head, is it really an immortal?
  • Available on Netflix and Amazon Instant Video.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Podcast: The Crow: Wicked Prayer (2005)

Your Stupid Minds continues its summer sequels series (once you do three in a row it's a series) with the fourth and final Crow movie made as of 2014: The Crow: Wicked Prayer! When tiny scumbag Jimmy Cuervo (Edward Furlong) is murdered by an all star team of Satanists, Cuervo is transformed by a magic crow into an instrument of embarrassingly dressed vengeance. Can pre-teen mall goth Crow overcome Tank from The Matrix, Tara Reid, MMA champion Tito Ortiz, and David Boreanaz over the course of one night, or will some sort of elaborate, ill-defined plan by the Satanists come to fruition?

And as if that all-star team of Satanists wasn't enough, the film features several notable guest stars, one of whom gives one of the worst performances we've seen on our podcast! It might not be who you think!

A rough idea of how women dress in this film. 
Some Notes:
  • We mention quite a few better films to check out if you haven't already, including the original Crow, Dead Man, and Billy Jack
  • Despite being set on an Indian Reservation, not a single member of the principal cast is Native American.
  • The movie apparently thinks there is no difference between ravens and crows, as Jimmy's name (Cuervo) is Spanish for "raven," and the Indian Reservation is named as the "Raven Aztec Reservation," and many reservation locations have a raven motif. Ravens are within the genus corvus, but in Spanish a carrion crow would be a "corneja." This concludes today's Spanish lesson.
  • The Crow: Wicked Prayer was one of only two projects Boreanaz filmed between two nearly decade long runs on successful television shows. His other film? These Girls, a dramedy about three pre-college girls blackmailing Boreanaz, a "slightly older hunk," into having sex with them. Who knows what other classic roles he could've landed had Bones not been a big hit?
  • The comic book character the Crow was created in 1989 to help a grieving James O'Barr deal with losing his girlfriend after she was killed by a drunk driver. The comic predates both Batman Returns and Catwoman, which use basically the same concept, except with cats bringing people to life for the purpose of vengeance.
  • The Crow: Wicked Prayer is available on Netflix, Google Play, and Amazon sells the used DVD for one measly cent.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Podcast: Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike (2012)

We continue our ongoing Ayn Rand series with Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike. Many of you may remember us waxing political in our episode of the first installment, and by this point we stop perpetuating a New Criticism analysis and just dig right in to all aspects of the source material, especially authorial intent. For some inexplicable reason, the filmmakers completely recast everyone, replacing Taylor Schilling with an older Samantha Mathis. The third movie, which they’ve raised money for by mooching off of Kickstarter contributors, will continue this trend of complete re-casting to pretend like it was intentional.

Atlas Shrugged II continues the thrilling tale of Dagny Taggart and her amazing trains, Hank Reardon and his amazing steel, something about an amazing train engine, and the always mysterious John Galt, who continues to kidnap the best and the brightest around the country. Meanwhile, the government has instituted the stupidest economic plan in existence, and all the amazing and logical industrialists think it’s moronic because it is.

Some Notes:
  • Available on Netflix, Amazon, and YouTube (for rent).
  • Despite the horrible CGI, it's actually put to better use in Part II (crashing things instead of showing a train successfully and triumphantly crossing a bridge).
  • Just remember that if you disagree with someone's wedding speech, be sure to interrupt with a rambling diatribe about the free market.
  • If the judges at the government tribunal weren't such mealymouthed pantywaists, they might have tased Hank Reardon during his sovereign citizen rant.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Podcast: Air Bud: World Pup (2001)

In honor of World Cup fever, we review the most ludicrous, vaguely soccer themed movie we could find. Air Bud returns (without the original Buddy) for the third installment of the franchise: Air Bud: World Pup! Buddy and a kid who looks like Simon from 7th Heaven (Kevin Zegers) join the school’s new soccer team to impress their respective beaus: a fake British girl Emma (Brittany Paige Bouck), and her unspayed Golden Retriever. While Simon woos the girl with Natural Born Killers sunglasses and leather jackets, Buddy makes sundaes and shows up for nightly booty calls.

Meanwhile, a former dog catcher Snerbert (played by Martin Ferrero, the lawyer from Jurassic Park) stakes out Emma’s ridiculous mansion in an attempt to kidnap her dog for some reason. There’s also something about a dog playing soccer.

This episode features special guest and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson, an expert in soccer, England, dog-ownership, and being a girl in the early 2000s.

Some notes:

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Podcast: Lucky Number Slevin (2006)

This time around on the Your Stupid Minds podcast we present Episode 0: the secret lost podcast pilot. We originally recorded Lucky Number Slevin as our first episode back in February 2012, but ended up recording a WHOPPING 35 minutes instead of the 20 we were originally going for, so we shelved this one for a rainy day.

One of our most loathed movies, Lucky Number Slevin tells the needlessly complex and Tarantino-esque story of Slevin Kelevra (Josh Hartnett), a bath-toweled man with an impossible no-way name who navigates the machinations of two themed mobs, one led by The Boss (Morgan Freeman), the other by The Rabbi (Ben Kingsley). Slevin smugs his way through the misadventures, along the way courted by Manic Pixie Dream Girl Lindsey (Lucy Liu), and his own elaborate ulterior motive. Bruce Willis’s hairpiece also makes an appearance.

Some Notes:
  • You'll notice a bit of a tonal difference between this episode and more recent ones. We originally planned to be more conversational and analytical before ultimately opting to tell more jokes about duck titties and dogs playing banjos.
  • There's also a bit more initial exposition about why we started the podcast and our background in bad movies. We may be a little overly-explanatory but we wanted to make sure people knew what a podcast was and how movies exist.
  • We really hope someone will write a fanfiction for The Warriors explaining the rift in the Softball Furies.
Direct download.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Podcast: Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

It's summer, and that means it's time for big budget blockbusters! Blockbusters like Godzilla vs. Hedorah, the overtly environmentalist smash hit kaiju film of 1971! Complete with jaunty gunslinger Godzilla, psychedelic hallucinations and dancing skeletons, and a drug-addled monster that feeds on pollution. Join us as we discuss the acting ability of a six year old, and wonder whether exposure to the smog monster has altered Godzilla's consciousness.

Notes and Observations
Direct Download.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Podcast: One Tough Bastard (1996)

Lucius Malfoy takes the mound.
We return to our vague association with Kurt Wimmer (who wrote the story for the Barbarian Brothers' Double Trouble) and his 1996 revenge action film One Tough Bastard (currently streaming on Netflix). Sort of like The Crow meets Hard to Kill, OTB (also called One Man’s Justice) stars action star and washed out first round draft pick Brian Bosworth as his ex-wife and daughter are needlessly murdered by Marcus (Jeff Kober, resembling a C-Team Josh Brolin), the worst drug dealer in the world.

Members of Pearl Jam manage to steal the film's MacGuffin.
He shoots The Boz and puts him in the hospital. Once awake from his brief but refreshing coma, The Boz plots his revenge against Marcus and the skeeziest long-haired nose-pierced FBI agent in the world, Agent Karl Savak (played by Dungeons and Dragons’s Bruce Payne). Will The Boz fulfill his revenge, and exploit an inner city toddler in the process? Only one way to find out!

Some Notes:
  • "The Catcher in the Fry" is, unfortunately, not an episode of Futurama.
  • This movie exists in a horrible universe of ponytails, Sublime lyrics, and inner city murder.
  • Also MC Hammer (at this point only going by "Hammer") is barely in this movie as the Avon Barksdale type character. He mostly sits around and lets slightly better actors do the heavy lifting for him.
  • One of three movies directed by Kurt Wimmer (along with Equilibrium and Ultraviolet). He has spent most of his career writing successful and bombastic screenplays such as Salt, Law Abiding Citizen, and the Total Recall remake.
  • Congratulations to longtime listener and podcast guest Nathan Smith on the birth of his second son!
Direct Download.