Thursday, June 16, 2016

Podcast: Jack (1996)

Direct download.

You demanded it and we delivered! Actually, no one requested this movie, and we may catch some flak for reviewing it. Francis Ford Coppola slums it in the cash grab maudlin 90s with Jack!

Robin Williams (also slumming it) plays Jack, a ten year old boy with a fictional medical condition that causes him to age at four times the normal rate. This gives Williams ample opportunity to utilize his deadpan imitation of a five year old boy. But just in case you thought this movie was funny, it frequently vacillates from goofy romp to melancholy reflection on mortality more quickly than an episode of M*A*S*H. Also starring Jennifer Lopez, Bill Cosby, Diane Lane, and Fran Drescher.

Some Notes:

  • "Four out of five stars!" -10 year old Nick Nobel
  • After One from the Heart led to Coppola to file for bankruptcy, he spent much of the '80s and '90s taking on director for hire type roles to pay the bills. While he never returned to his '70s glory, he does make a pretty good wine!

Monday, May 30, 2016

Podcast: Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

Your Stupid Minds finally covers one of the A-listers in the schlock movie pantheon: Andy Sidaris’s Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Sidaris was a sports director who decided to jump over to 1980s sexploitation flicks. With muse and former Playmate of the Month Dona Speir, he went on a quest to create the most bonkers action films of the decade.

Donna (Spier) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are buxom drug agents who stumble on an RC helicopter-based diamond smuggling drug ring. They elicit the help of boyfriend agent Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (South Florida kickboxing superstar Harold Diamond) to rescue their friend and blow up as many things as possible. There’s also a contaminated killer snake, several deaths by Bazooka, a zany handstand skateboarding assassin, and a spiked death frisbee.

Some Notes:
  • Other films in the Sidaris shared universe: Malibu Express, Picasso Trigger, Savage Beach, Guns, Do or Die, Hard Hunted, Fit to Kill, and many more!
  • Sidaris was famous for pioneering the "honey shot" during sporting events. This involved close-ups of sexy ladies throughout the game. Sports was a very dull affair before he came along.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Podcast: Bonus 100th Episode Clip Spectacular

It's Your Stupid Minds' Bonus 100th Episode Clip Spectacular! Featuring some of our (and your) favorite moments from the last 100 episodes. Don't expect a breakdown of each clip because we don't want to right now! We hope you enjoy this compilation of what we think our our best bits, skits, discussions, and songs from the last four years. See you again after episode 200!

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Podcast: Double Down (2005)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds celebrates its 100th episode by filling out Neil Breen’s current oeuvre. Before the imminent wide release of his most recent film Pass Thru (which we wanted to watch but is not reasonably available in the state of Texas), we reviewed Neil’s first feature film, 2005’s Double Down!

Neil Breen is war hero and elite hacker terrorist inventor Aaron Brand (who will forever be referred to as Neil Breen). Breen is a mercenary working for American and foreign government agents on counterterrorism while also being a terrorist himself! His change of heart comes after his bride to be Megan (Laura Hale) is accidentally murdered during the couple’s nude pool engagement.

Breen goes further off the deep end (pool humor) and creates a freelance mercenary business out of his late 80s Mercedes; inventing an invisibility cloak and hacking murder shield to help it along. While working for all governments and terrorism sects, he also has terroristic traps set up all around the world (but primarily in Breen’s director’s trademark city of Las Vegas).

Will he have a change of heart? Will he avenge Megan with his insane crimes against humanity? Will he save some little girl who has brain cancer? Will his dead parents explain what heaven is like? Did Neil Breen acquire his early 90s stock footage from a Harrah’s dumpster? Find out in this special episode!

Some Notes:
  • Some characters are inexplicably missing from the end credits. Where's the call girl he hires? Where's the guy in the obviously fake beard? Why are multiple characters given the same character name of "Terrorist" or "Agent" with no other distinction?
  • Breen's character subsists entirely on canned tuna. We believe mercury poisoning contributes significantly to his erratic behavior.
  • The credits also note the film was catered by Neil Breen. I hope this means a nightly crawfish broil at the Breen residence!
  • Upon closer inspection, Megan (Breen's murdered fiancĂ©e) is wearing a flesh-colored thong throughout the pool scene. Also, when she's shot, Neil casually proclaims "aw, geez!"
  • YSM reviews of previous Breen films: Fateful Findings (episode 50), and I Am Here.... Now (episode 73).

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Podcast: Bolero (1984)

Direct download

Fans of truly execrable cinema are in for a treat as we review 1984's Bolero. Can the film that gave MGM an excuse to end its shameful partnership with the Cannon Group/Golan-Globus be that bad? What if I told you it also won the Razzie award for Worst Picture, Worst Actress (beating out Faye Dunaway in Supergirl!), Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, and Worst New Star? For once, everything you've heard turns out to be true! This film is indefensibly, inexplicably bad!

Algunas Notas:
  • Auteur Theory at Work? Noted statutory rape-avoider John Derek met Bo while she was a high school dropout. In the film, a 14 year old proudly asserts that she is already a woman and will soon have sex with a famous bullfighter.
  • The film was not given a rating by the MPAA, unofficially making it NC-17/X, but was still given a wide release.
  • While Bo Derek's hair and Superbowl shuffle place the film in the late 70s/early 80s, Bo's infatuation with Rudolph Valentino film The Sheik (1921) places the movie in the 20s, while the use of the song "As Time Goes By" during a visit to Morocco seems to place the film in the 30s. Either way, this is clearly pre-Franco's Spain.
  • You might remember John Derek from his unforgettable performance as "Joshua" opposite Charlton Heston, Yul Brynner, and "Where's Your Messiah Now?!" Edward G. Robinson in The Ten Commandments, a film that came out the year Bo Derek was born.
  • Golan-Globus were so unhappy with the film that they wanted to be given ownership of the Derek ranch somehow.
Bonus: Here's a Joan Rivers Interview with Bo Derek from 1984:

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Podcast: Black Scorpion (1995)

Joan Severance lays out some vigilante justice in the Roger Corman produced comic book inspired Showtime original movie Black Scorpion! The movie also resulted in a sequel and Sci-Fi Channel original series.

Believe it or not I couldn't find an embeddable trailer, so here's the full version.

Darcy Walker (Severance) is a girl raised by her murderous cop father Lt. Stan Walker (Rick Rossovich) with a scorpion infatuation. Stan stops methed out maniac at a hospital by gunning him down with a doctor between him and is kicked off the force. Darcy enters the force decades later and goes undercover as a prostitute to bring down a mass murderer. Her plans are put on hold when her father is gunned down in a bar, and she transforms into the Black Scorpion to lay down the law with her taser boots, taser scorpion ring, and whip.

Some Notes:
  • Imagine how lame it would be if Batman named himself.
  • All superhero origin movies need a "sewing together their costume" montage.
  • Joan Severance also appeared in Another Pair of Aces: Three of a Kind and Hulk Hogan's No Holds Barred.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Podcast: Fateful Findings (2013) (Rebroadcast)

Direct download.

Note: This is a rebroadcast from April 3, 2014 to gear up for our 100th episode spectacular. For the show notes, head over to the original Fateful Findings post.