Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Podcast: Poltergeist III (1988)

Your Stupid Minds delves into October with what you might expect: a 1980s horror sequel! Tom Skerritt (Picket Fences), Nancy Allen (RoboCop), Heather O’Rourke (Poltergeist), and Lara Flynn Boyle (Twin Peaks) star in this far-beyond-its-prime sequel, Poltergeist III!

Carol Anne (O’Rourke) from the previous Poltergeist movies now lives with her aunt (Allen) and step-uncle (Skerritt) in a high-rise building in Chicago. She attends a school for weirdoes because of her previous ghost experiences, and after her cousin Donna’s (Boyle) night of teenage debauchery, she’s kidnapped by ghosts. Her aunt and uncle try desperately to rescue her with the help from Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein, returning from the first movie) and the film jumps haphazardly from mirror-induced jump scare to jump scare.

Some Notes:

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Podcast: Hercules (1983)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds returns to two of its most favorite loves: buff dudes and Golan-Globus films. It’s 1983’s Hercules starring The Incredible Hulk’s Lou Ferrigno! Director Luigi Cozzi (hiding his intense Italianness behind the pseudonym Lewis Coates) brings Hercules to the big screen for the 80th and definitely not last time.

When the gods are hanging out on the moon and incredibly bored, Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) decides to give a random baby super buff powers. Hera (Rossana PodestĂ ) takes exception but Zeus never listens to her so who cares? Hercules’s parents are killed in a successful coup, but baby Herc escapes and is raised by a nice infertile farming couple.

Tragedy causes him to travel to Thebes to fight against other buff dudes, and he must team up with Circe (Mirella D’Angelo) in order to rescue his true love Cassiopeia (Ingrid Anderson) and battle against the evil King Minos (William Berger) and Adriana (Sybil Danning). That’s a lot of names so let’s just leave it at that.

Some Notes:
  • Who's buffer? Lou Ferrigno or Dolph Lundgren?
  • Sybil Danning also appears in Caged Heat.
  • Yes, Lou Ferrigno does throw a guy in a cheap bear suit into space.
  • Available to rent on Amazon Prime, but with the Steve Reeves poster and inexplicably labeled as released in 2009.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Podcast: The Boy Next Door (2015)

Direct download.

YSM returns to the erotic thriller genre with the 2015 classic The Boy Next Door! Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez, in her third appearance on the podcast), is a pathetic high school classics teacher with a broken garage door and a cheating ex-husband when a buff-armed 28-year-old "boy" Noah (Ryan Guzman, apparently playing a 19-year-old) moves in next door.

The two bond over their mutual love of the Iliad and he fixes both her car and garage door. They then engage in a night of "passion" after Noah refuses to take no for an answer. Then Noah is revealed to be a sociopath who is willing to murder Claire's ex-husband (John Corbett) and mid-level high school administrators (Kristin Chenoweth) if it means "winning" Claire back.

Some Notes:
  • We make up some convincing IMDb trivia during this episode, but forget to mention that Ryan Guzman (probably) got into character by watching James Franco in the Spider-Man movies via YouTube.
  • Screenwriter Barbara Curry, a former criminal attorney, has admitted that the infamous "first edition of the Iliad" scene was not in her script.
  • Somewhat impossibly, this movie only passes the Bechdel test when baby Katherine Heigl (Lexi Atkins)'s character Allie tells Claire the sink in the girl's room is clogged (it was intentionally clogged by a man of course as part of an elaborate scheme). All of Kristin Chenoweth's conversations with her best friend are about Claire's ex-husband, her blind date, and the Boy Next Door (BND).
  • Nick challenged Chris to come up with movies not counting The Cell where Jennifer Lopez really acts. Chris refers generally to her more ambitious projects, but if you want to see Jennifer Lopez not playing a Maid who commutes to Manhattan, check out Blood and Wine, Angel Eyes, and of course, Anaconda.
  • Featuring a rare appearance of Chekhov's barn, where barn scenes bookend the project.
  • This is basically a Lifetime movie but with better-looking leads, up to and including being done a brisk 90 minutes.
The Iliad Scene:

Monday, September 5, 2016

Podcast: T-Force (1994)

Direct Download.

Your Stupid Minds goes back to basics with your standard sci-fi sexy police robot thriller. It’s 1994’s T-Force starring Jack Scalia, Erin Gray, and Vernon Wells. This is brought to you partially by Cinema TerriblĂ©, Austin Texas’s premier bad movie meet up. T-Force was part of a recent double feature at the monthly get together and a smash hit.

T-Force, a team of autonomous robots called “Cybernauts,” is brought in to break up a Die Hard style hostage situation. The team is made up of leader Adam (Evan Lurie), Captain America type Cain (Bobby Johnston), lady robot Mandragora (Jennifer MacDonald), American Gladiator Zeus (Deron McBee), and another one who dies.

Adam callously murders numerous hostages in the process and Mayor Pendleton (Gray) orders the team deactivated. This results in T-Force’s murderous killing spree in the name of self preservation. Cain doesn’t go along with Adam’s dastardly plan and teams up with Lt. Jack Floyd (Scalia) to stop them.

Some Notes:
  • See Zeus a.k.a. Deron McBee a.k.a. Malibu on American Gladiators and Married... With Children.
  • Jack Scalia has maintained a relatively active career throughout the years, with significant roles in Dallas, Remington Steele, All My Children, and Red Eye.
  • Lady robot Jennifer MacDonald is perhaps best known to 90's kids as Lt. "Flint" Peters, a character your Mark Hamill avatar can romance in Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger, a game with a bigger cast than the 1999 movie we reviewed.
  • Fun fact: The "T" stands for "Terminal."

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Podcast: Carpool (1996)

It’s a special guest episode of Your Stupid Minds featuring Kaitlyn “Nick’s Sister” Nobel, a devoted fan of the podcast and resident Toyota Previa expert. Kaitlyn’s pick this time around is for a 1996 movie starring Tom Arnold, David Paymer, and Rhea Perlman: Carpool! Out a few years after Tom Arnold’s massive alimony payout from Rosanne, as well as his modicum of success in True Lies, Arnold decided to squander his career by starring in a bunch of crappy movies.

Daniel Miller (Paymer) has a big advertising presentation, but his wife is sick! This means he must take charge of the carpool and get his wiener kids (as well as some other neighbor wiener kids, including an extremely young, bronzed Rachael Leigh Cook) to school. Things take a turn for the worst when he’s kidnapped by bumbling robber Franklin (Arnold) on the run from an army of incompetent law enforcement agents. Their journey takes them to a hair salon, parking garage, and inside a local mall!

Can Detective Erdman (Kim Coates) and meter maid Martha (Perlman) stop the robber in time? Can we somehow get Tom Arnold in drag? Will the kids visit a creepy Joker-like indoor carnival? Listen to find out!

Some Notes:
  • Despite the trailer's straightforward narrative, this is actually a very confusing film.
  • The film takes place in Puget Sound but was shot in British Columbia. As a result, one of David Paymer's kids is Canadian while the other is not.
  • Chris gives a convincing legal defense as to why Franklin wouldn't (and possibly shouldn't) serve jail time for his alleged crimes.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Podcast: Supernova (2000)

This is it, the big finale of our "great directors making horrible films" summer concludes with Walter Hill (credited as Thomas Lee)'s Supernova! Nick Vanzant (James Spader) is a newcomer to the crew of the Nightingale 229, a medical ship populated by actors on their way to TV superstardom (in a decade).

Possibly the worst trailer of all time.

Nick and Dr. Evers (Angela Bassett) hate each other but then love each other, but a rescue mission turns into a total rip-off of It! the Terror From Beyond Space, when they save Troy, the son of Angela Bassett's old no-goodnik flame Karl (Peter Facinelli). "Troy" turns out to be a web of smug lies smuggling proof of alien life, a Georgia O'Keeffe-like contraption that seems to have strange side effects like increasing T-count and turning people evil, on board the Nightingale. Will sexy James Spader and Angela Bassett be able to jettison the space-scum before it's too late?

Some Space-Notes:
  • Noted Troll Armond White loved Starcrash, I mean, Supernova. His review is here.
  • Does touching the Space Vagina (© 2016 Your Stupid Minds) turn you into a Teenage Caveman? It probably does.
  • The truly bizarre story of Francis Ford Coppola's cutting edge butt-darkening technology has been detailed elsewhere on the internet, but it's super weird and worth telling again. A very brief scene of zero-g sex between Bassett and Spader was created from existing footage involving two completely different (white) actors, one of whom was then darkened with CGI. The scene is available here.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Podcast: The Toy (1982)

Your Stupid Minds continues its "great directors making terrible films" series with Richard Donner and Richard Pryor's unfortunate The Toy!

Down on his luck Jack Brown (Pryor) is a reporter who can't get hired by the one newspaper in town because it's owned by a racist multi-millionaire (Jackie Gleason). After getting fired by Gleason after attempting to work as a "cleaning lady," Pryor does a physical comedy routine while listening to headphones, only to be inadvertently "purchased" by Eric "Master" Bates, Gleason's bratty son. What follows is a series of loosely connected vignettes tied together by Pryor alternately humiliating himself and getting upset at being humiliated by others like some sort of live-action Daffy Duck.

Some Notes:
  • This is one of several not-so-great Pryor films to come in the immediate wake of Pryor suffering third-degree burns in 1980.
  • The film is based on a French farce, which probably still makes about 100% more sense.
  • The Toy is set and filmed in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and highlights the implicit (and sometimes explicit) racial issues in the area. Glad that was all taken care of!
  • A Confederacy of Dunces is a great novel and Chris and Nick make references to it this episode.