Sunday, October 4, 2015

Podcast: Blank Check (1994)

Your Stupid Minds returns to 1990s children’s movies with Disney’s Blank Check! Featuring threats of murder, smoking, horrible parenting, potential statutory rape, and Michael Lerner.

Twelve year old Preston Waters (Brian Bonsall) has it rough. He never has enough tokens for the roller coasters at Fiesta Texas, his parents don’t respect him, and his annoying brothers are allowed to set up a home office is his penthouse-sized bedroom. Fortunately a run in with a criminal (Miguel Ferrer) grants his access to a blank check tied to a criminal bank account with exactly one million dollars in laundered funds. 

After Preston uses his personal computer to commit check fraud, the crooked bank president (Lerner) thinks he is the criminal contact and hands off a million bucks to a pre-teen. It’s now up to the crooks to catch this kid before he spends all the money, which Preston does dutifully in six days purchasing a castle, waterslide, personal limo driver, virtual reality helmet, and truck full of branded Chips Ahoy! packaged cookie products.

Will Preston’s newfound wealth (which he spends under the artfully crafted pseudonym “Mr. Macintosh”) allow him to start a romantic relationship with an adult woman (Karen Duffy)? Or will he learn that money can’t buy happiness? Or will the movie hedge its bets and preach a simultaneously pro and anti capitalist message while Home Alone style hijinks ensue?

Some Notes:
  • For anyone in the FBI or with FBI contacts: If an agent maintains a regular job while undercover, does that agent get to keep her paycheck?
  • The castle Preston purchases in the film is a real house in Austin now owned by Robert Rodriguez.
  • Featuring Joe's mom from Wishbone as the real estate agent.
  • Someone wonderfully and appropriately edited together a mash up of Blank Check and The Wolf of Wall Street trailer.
Direct download.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Podcast: Wing Commander (1999)

Based on the 1990s flight simulator computer game (and not Space Invaders), Wing Commander is a modestly budgeted space opera set before an impending alien invasion. Starring Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows, Matthew Lillard, J├╝rgen Prochnow, and Malcolm McDowell replacement David Warner, the film is largely a Star Wars ripoff injected with overt references to Star Trek, Das Boot, Battlestar Galactica, Top Gun, and whatever else director and game creator Chris Roberts could get away with.

Lieutenant Christopher Blair (Prinze) arrives at the TCS Tiger Class with vital information regarding their war with the Kilrathi aliens. Commander Gerald (Prochnow) doesn’t trust Blair because of his Pilgrim geneology. Pilgrims were the original explorers and colonizers of space who turned into big jerks and attained Force-like powers of intergalactic navigation. Meanwhile, Blair’s buddy Todd “Maniac” Marshall (Lillard) hot dogs around in his ship and generally makes an ass of himself. Will they save the Earth before the impending Kilrathi invasion? Will Blair hook up with Wing Commander Deveraux (Burrows)? Why is there gravity in space? Does any of this matter?

Some Notes:
  • "The needs of the Earth outweigh the needs of me." -Dr. Spock
  • Actual historical exchange:
    • JFK: We should give a bunch of money to NASA just cuz. Also the guy who said that died.
    • Nixon: How is it I'm the only rationable (sic) person here?
  • Check out the Box Office Mojo Worst Wide Openings list to play along at home.
  • Check out Chris's other podcast Some of My Friends Read Comics, part of the All My Friends Are Right Here network.
Direct download.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Podcast: Simon Sez (1999)

The summer ninja series has come to a close. We now return to our regular pre-May programming with a Your Stupid Minds mainstay: a movie with a basketball player! Dennis Rodman stars in arguably the worst of his two action movie vehicles: Simon Sez. Fresh off the heels of Double Team starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Mickey Rourke, Rodman returns to (or remains in) France to make this action spy comedy.

Simon (Rodman) is a freelance Interpol agent working to uncover a mysterious arms deal with his monk-attired partners Micro (John Pinette) and Macro (Ricky Harris). Later, Nick Miranda (played by an insufferable Dane Cook) asks Simon to help him with a kidnapping exchange. Their two missions intersect and the spy group must stop the vamping bad guy from blowing up the Eiffel Tower.

Some Notes:
  • David Robinson was never a spy but he was honorably discharged from the Navy for being too tall.
  • Karl Malone makes a nonexistent appearance as Dennis Rodman's bocce opponent.
  • IMDb claims that "Robert Downey Jr. was replaced with Dane Cook because Downey dropped out and they needed someone within a few days." I have no other source to verify this.
  • Technically, Hulk Hogan would be okay with Dennis Rodman dating his daughter, so he has no excuse to not be in this movie.
Direct download.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Podcast: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

Your Stupid Minds finishes off the summer ninja series with a ninja movie of the teenage mutant turtle variety: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III! Our heroes in a half shell (or full shell, if you want to be accurate) return for their final non Michael Bay film appearance.

When a magical lantern transports April (Paige Turco) back in time to 17th century feudal Japan (and the prince Kenshin takes per place), the turtles must travel back to save her. The turtles almost immediately muck everything up and intersperse their heroic deeds with dated early 90s pop culture references.

Featuring the often referenced photorealistic turtle scroll.
Michelangelo falls in love with the rebel leader Mitsu (Vivian Wu), and Raphael flies a kite with an adorable boy named Yoshi (Travis A. Moon). Meanwhile, the Japanese honor guard who replaces the turtles in the present have a great time with Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) playing hockey and arcade games.

Some Notes:

Direct download.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Podcast: Ninja Apocalypse (2014)

More ninja movies! The post-production company Big Boss Creative wanted to break into the lucrative direct-to-DVD racket, so they asked distributors what they wanted to sell. Their questions were answered with the mixed bag of “ninjas,” “post-apocalypse,” “zombies,” and “The Warriors,” so they slapped all of those ideas together into an 82 page script, added some cheap After Effects CGI, and made Ninja Apocalypse. Starring some stunt men who were available in the greater Los Angeles Metropolitan area, as well as Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Electra, Showdown in Little Tokyo), and Ernie Reyes Jr. (Surf Ninjas, Ninja Turtles II).

Cage (Christian Oliver) is the leader of the lost ninja clan and goes to a peace summit with his best warriors for some reason to help unite the clans. When the ninja leader (Tagawa) is killed at the summit, Cage is falsely accused to the murder and all the clans hope to catch him before he escapes. On his way to the surface he and his clan mates fight ninjas, zombies, reptile men, and sexy lady ninjas for their freedom. They also have cool blue fire kicks and energy blasts.

Some Notes:
  • Despite the existence of a reptile-themed gang, we never make any reference to the Tunnel Snakes.
  • Tunnel Snakes rule.
  • We're the tunnel snakes.
  • That's us.
  • And we RULE RULE RULE.
Direct download.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Podcast: The Hunted (1995)

More ninja movies on Your Stupid Minds! This time we attempted to find an underwhelming movie to put an end to this ninja episode massacre. We thought we had a perfect candidate with 1995’s The Hunted starring Christopher Lambert in his first non-Highlander movie on YSM. As it turns out, this movie is great!

Paul Richie (Lambert) travels to Nagoya Japan on business and has a lovely date with Kirina (Joan Chen), a supposedly Japanese woman despite being obviously Chinese. After a date in the park listening to the traditional Japanese drummers, they go back to her hotel for a night of sultry hot tub sex. After Richie leaves, ninjas show up and murder Kirina.

Richie tries to stop them, only to be hit with shurikens and nearly stabbed to death. After being attacked again in the hospital by ninjas led by the nefarious Kinjo (John Lone) who come to finish the job, he teams up with a samurai Ichiro (Yoshio Harada) and his wife Mieko (Yoko Shimada) to hide out on their secret samurai island to wait for Kinjo.

Some Notes:
Direct download.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Podcast: Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Another ninja movie! This time with actual ninjas and not some snot-nosed kids, it’s the Cannon Group’s Ninja III: The Domination! Offering little to no continuity to its predecessors Enter the Ninja and Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja III involves a headstrong telephone company employee/aerobics instructor Christie (Lucinda Dickey) possessed by the ghost of a mystical ninja who recently went on a cop killing spree at a nearby municipal golf course.

After some questionably strong seduction tactics, Office Secord (Jordan Bennett) joins Christie in her apartment for V8 juice-infused sex near her arcade machine for the unreleased game Bouncer. Soon after she surreptitiously begins murdering the cops who took down the ninja using her newly-infused martial arts skills and floating Ninjato sword. Will Officer Secord stop her before she murders all the leery cops? Is a newly-arrived eye-patched Japanese man a friend or foe? Pick up the Blu-ray and find out!

Some Notes: