Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Podcast: Made of Honor (2008)

Direct download.

For no particular reason, here’s 2008’s Made of Honor, a romantic comedy starring Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, and Kadeem “Dwayne Wayne” Hardison.

Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (Monaghan) meet in college when Tom nearly sexually assaults Hannah in a hilarious mistaken identity late 90s Halloween Bill Clinton related dorm prank. They exchange witty Hepburn/Tracy like banter and become best of friends. Ten years later, in the common day of  pre-recession flip phone 2008, she’s a curator at the Met and he invented those coffee cup caddies and does nothing. She goes away to Scotland for work, and in that time falls in love with Scottish Duke Colin (Kevin McKidd), and Tom realizes he’s in love with her. She asks him to be her maid (made?) of honor. Hijinks ensue. Colin has a huge penis.

Some Notes:

  • Upon further reflection, we're pretty sure Ross did not have sex with Emily on Friends. Someone please enlighten us.
  • Sydney Pollack's last film, unfortunately.
  • Please donate to our Soup2Nuts Kickstarter, the SmartSoup® System that automatically detects the ideal temperature for your soup.
  • Aside from soup, most of this episode is about horse penises.
  • Why is this movie called Made of Honor? Is Tom "made" of honor? Did they mean Man of Honor? Did they not want to be confused with Men of Honor?

Friday, May 18, 2018

Podcast: Blood Money (1991)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds delves into the depths of Amazon Prime to find a scratchy VHS transfer television edit (for a channel that doesn’t exist) of 1991’s Blood Money (a.k.a. The Killer’s Edge). Starring Wings Hauser (father of Cole), Academy Award nominee Karen Black (Five Easy Pieces, Nashville), and catcher’s mitt face himself, the late Robert Z’Dar (Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker).

Jack (Hauser) is a homicidal alcoholic with crippling PTSD, but he’s a cop so he’s the good guy. Miller (Z’Dar) is a wannabe mob boss who raids a counterfeit operation to nab millions in fake bills. Jack and his line-flubbing partner Burt (Joe Palese) must track down the perpetrators. It turns out Jack and Miller are old army buddies from ‘nam.

Can Jack catch him in time? Will he get over his overwhelming toxic masculinity, alcoholism, violent tendencies, probable body odor, and general insecurity? Was that siren in the soundtrack for a reason, or did they just film on the street?

Some Notes:

  • Watch Blood Money on Amazon Prime.
  • Robert Z'Dar laughs (jovially) in this film.
  • Even though she's second billed, Karen Black is in a sum total of about three minutes of screen time.
  • The version on Amazon has all the swears and (presumably) sex scenes removed for some reason.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Podcast: God's Not Dead: A Light in Darkness (2018)

Direct download.

Well after its Easter weekend release, Your Stupid Minds reviews the third and latest (final?) film in the God’s Not Dead franchise: God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness.

Pastor Dave (David A.R. White) is released from prison after the last film’s pointless cliffhanger. The movie continues on a different path toward proving the existence of God: A struggle with a rural college over the presence of his church on campus. People are upset, for some reason, that they just discovered a church has been there for 150 years, and decide to protest vociferously.

When a vandal accidentally blows up the church and kills Dave’s co-pastor and BFF Pastor Jude (Benjamin A. Onyango), the college uses this opportunity (?) to shut it down. Dave engages in an eternal struggle of survival, with his secular social justice lawyer brother Pearce (John Corbett) at the front line. “Featuring” “special” “guest” comedian Ricky Gervais.

Some Notes:

  • See our prior review of God's Not Dead 2.
  • This movie actually got a theatrical release, so we had to hike up our pants and go out to the local multiplex to see it.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Podcast: Gor (1987)

Your Stupid Minds once again takes on a Cannon Picture (and separately, a movie somewhat focused on submission/domination) with 1987’s Gor, based on the fetishist fantasy science fiction books by John Norman.

Cabot (Urbano Barberini) is a college professor whose lectures focus on magic rings that transport people to Counter-Earth, a planet that lies on the opposite side of Earth’s orbit and perpetually masked by the sun.

After his girlfriend breaks up with him, Cabot gets into a car accident and is transported to Counter-Earth, also known as Gor. It is a savage land of prehistoric people with primitive weapons, dirty/sexy loin cloths, and slave women. Cabot must find the Home Stone (that looks like a giant Pop Rock) in order to get back to earth. Also a dwarf is there.

Some notes:

  • I could only find the trailer in German, so here's the full movie on YouTube.
  • Here's John Norman's 34th Gor book, released in 2016, Plunder of Gor.
  • For the record, Sean Connery in Zardoz does have double straps along with his tiny red Speedo.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Podcast: The Evil That Men Do (1984)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds “celebrates” to release of Eli Roth’s Death Wish with a review of... not a Death Wish movie. Rather, prime yourself with our Death Wish 3 review and dig in to a non-Cannon Charles Bronson classic: The Evil That Men Do.

Based on a not-so-good R. Lance Hill novel of the same name, Clement Molloch (Joseph Maher) is a war criminal and torture expert known as “The Doctor.” He contracts out himself to brutal dictatorships and enacts creative and gruesome ways to murder people. When he kills dissident journalist Jorge Hidalgo (Jorge Humberto Robles), ex-CIA assassin Holland (Charles Bronson) takes the case of revenge.

And, so you don’t miss it, here’s the infamous penis-twisting scene with Miguel Ángel Fuentes, a.k.a. Vadinho from The Pumaman:

Some Notes:
  • Great dummy work in this film.
  • #1 is pee pee. #2 is poo poo. #3 is knifing a guy in the throat and draining his body in the shower.
  • "Crack kills!" "It's actually not crack it's just cocai-UGHGHGH."
  • Directed by J. Lee Thompson (The Guns of Navarone, King Solomon's Mines, Cape Fear).

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Podcast: Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Direct download.

A mere eleven months after our previous descent into erotic millionaires gallivant-ing around, we're back to the grindstone with our review of Fifty Shades Freed! Now that Ana has married hunky but troubled Christian, they're just gonna bone all day every day in their sex dungeon forever with no repercussions, right? But other handsome people have their own ideas! Smallville-alum Eric Johnson (Lana's meathead boyfriend) wants revenge on Christian and Ana! Because they ruined his career after he attempted sexual assault? No, a much dumber reason!

Join us as we get progressively madder at action-interrupting ski lodge visits, wonder at the very obvious storylines for G-list characters cut down to single lines, and struggle to keep track of who is who in a movie composed entirely of blandly attractive people with no interesting traits.

Notable Notes:
  • The Aspen Cottage Finally Pays Off! Nothing happens there, though!
  • These movies take place in a mythical movie universe where you're not allowed to consider not having a kid if you get pregnant
  • The book has achieved sentience

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Podcast: Breakaway (1996)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its stunt casting double feature with the 1996 direct-to-video movie Breakaway, “starring” shamed figure skating star Tonya Harding. The sassy quotation marks are because she’s barely in the movie and her character serves almost no purpose.

Myra (Teri Fruichantie) is a mob courier who goes out on her last job. Her boss doesn’t like that very much and instructs his nephew Nicky (Michael Garganese) to kill her. She escapes, along with the $300,000 she retrieved, and pretends to be on a blind date with anthropology professor Dan (Tony Noakes) for no reason at all in order to escape. To finish the job, the mob boss hires a second hitman Grey (Joe Estevez) and everything goes wrong at once. There are also mobsters playing basketball in suits. And Tonya Harding kicks some guys.

Some Notes:
  • Chris insists there are clips from this movie during the Alamo Drafthouse pre-reel for I, Tonya.
  • The movie is referred to as The Breakaway on Tonya Harding's official website.
  • We're Team Dan.
  • The only legitimate means of acquiring this movie, as far as we can tell, is this $34.00 VHS copy on Amazon.