Friday, August 3, 2018

Podcast: Brenda Starr (1989?)

By popular demand, Your Stupid Minds finally does Brenda Starr, the troubled Golan-Globus based-on-a-comic-strip-no-one-read film shot in 1986, completed in 1989, and released in 1992 about a hotshot reporter.

Brenda Starr (Brooke Shields) is a star(r) reporter at the New York Flash. After getting the scoop on a German/Irish gangster Donovan O’Shea that results in her being hospitalized, her editor sends her on a mission to get the scoop on a rumored new water-based super fuel. She gets a tip from mysterious eye-patched beau Basil St. John (Timothy Dalton) and goes to Brazil by way of Puerto Rico.

Meanwhile, a number of people are on her tail, including Soviet spies, rival reporter Libby ‘Lips’ Lipscomb (Diana Scarwid), and her own cartoonist from the real world Mike (Tony Peck, son of Gregory). What results is some hijinks involving capoeira, an alligator with a cigar, and Jeffrey Tambor.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Podcast: Gotti (2018)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds reviews the movie that critics DON’T want you to see, the years-in-the-making pro mafia propaganda film starring a dimming Hollywood star: Gotti!

John Travolta assumes the titular role in some of the best wig work of his career. John Gotti is a low-level goon in the Gambino crime syndicate who gets the opportunity to move up the ranks through a targeted assassination. He kills the guy but completely borks the killing and goes to jail for the crime. He spends the rest of the movie in and out of prison, squinting and assuming a horrible accent, yelling at his kids, yelling at his underlings, telling horrible jokes, killing his boss in an unsanctioned hit, being the boss for a while, and dying in prison. The movie determines this man is a hero.

Also starring Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston as scenery-chewing Victoria Gotti, and Spencer Rocco Lofranco as John Gotti Jr., which the movie inexplicably becomes about after Gotti Sr.’s death. Since Gotti Jr. consulted heavily on the film, the entire experience reads like a love letter to poorly implemented and flamboyantly executed crime, without actually showing what the mob does to earn money. Directed by Kevin Connolly (E from Entourage) with a disjointed mix of voice over, flash back, and 30 second nonsense scenes that go nowhere.

Some Notes:
  • Pitbull inexplicably wrote and performed an entire custom soundtrack, complete with references to Miami and smears against Sammy "The Bull" Gravano.
  • In a collection of scenes interspersed throughout the movie, John Travolta plays an old, bald, wrinkly Gotti dying in prison. We're 100% convinced Travolta is not wearing makeup nor a bald cap.
  • Chapo Trap House reviewed the movie a few weeks ago. Though we are both devoted Grey Wolves, we deliberately avoided listening to their episode until after it was recorded. Any similar riffs are purely coincidental.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Podcast: Street Asylum (1990)

Direct download.

Another early 90s moral decay police brutality movie with fascist overtones and mild sci-fi elements, it’s 1990’s Street Asylum, from director Gregory Dark, the man who brought you such classics as New Wave Hookers 4, Hootermania, Let Me Tell Ya ‘Bout White Chicks, and Mandy Moore’s “Walk Me Home” music video (she presumably wants to have you walk her home so she isn’t murdered by cops).

Arliss Ryder (Wings Hauser, again) is a good cop wanting to do better, so after getting shot in the lower back he joins the police S.Q.U.A.D. of psychotic aggressive cops who murder innocent people, created by mayoral candidate Jim Miller (played by Watergate break-in mastermind G. Gordon Liddy). When his maniac partners—including a giggling sexual predator known as “Joker” (Sy Richardson)—repeatedly murder innocent people and then commit suicide, Ryder begins to suspect something is up.

It turns out the cops have mind-controlling microchips implanted in their lower spines that make them have persistent ‘roid rage, and Ryder is determined to stop it at all costs, even if that cost is to dress his girlfriend up in bondage gear to seduce a mustachioed politician.

Some Notes:
  • Available on VHS on Amazon, for for free (with Spanish subtitles) on YouTube.
  • Brion James also plays a street preacher who sets a pimp on fire for no reason, but I didn't know where to fit that into the synopsis.
  • Our casting choices for the 2018 remake:
    • Nick
      • Arliss: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
      • Joker: Michael B. Jordon
      • Reverend Mony: Willem Dafoe
      • Jim Miller: Harvey Weinstein
    • Chris
      • Arliss: Ian Zeiring
      • Joker: Donald Glover (doing a Danny Glover imitation)
      • Pimp: Bobby Moynihan
      • Jim Miller: Sebastian Gorka

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Podcast: Made of Honor (2008)

Direct download.

For no particular reason, here’s 2008’s Made of Honor, a romantic comedy starring Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, and Kadeem “Dwayne Wayne” Hardison.

Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (Monaghan) meet in college when Tom nearly sexually assaults Hannah in a hilarious mistaken identity late 90s Halloween Bill Clinton related dorm prank. They exchange witty Hepburn/Tracy like banter and become best of friends. Ten years later, in the common day of  pre-recession flip phone 2008, she’s a curator at the Met and he invented those coffee cup caddies and does nothing. She goes away to Scotland for work, and in that time falls in love with Scottish Duke Colin (Kevin McKidd), and Tom realizes he’s in love with her. She asks him to be her maid (made?) of honor. Hijinks ensue. Colin has a huge penis.

Some Notes:

  • Upon further reflection, we're pretty sure Ross did not have sex with Emily on Friends. Someone please enlighten us.
  • Sydney Pollack's last film, unfortunately.
  • Please donate to our Soup2Nuts Kickstarter, the SmartSoup® System that automatically detects the ideal temperature for your soup.
  • Aside from soup, most of this episode is about horse penises.
  • Why is this movie called Made of Honor? Is Tom "made" of honor? Did they mean Man of Honor? Did they not want to be confused with Men of Honor?

Friday, May 18, 2018

Podcast: Blood Money (1991)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds delves into the depths of Amazon Prime to find a scratchy VHS transfer television edit (for a channel that doesn’t exist) of 1991’s Blood Money (a.k.a. The Killer’s Edge). Starring Wings Hauser (father of Cole), Academy Award nominee Karen Black (Five Easy Pieces, Nashville), and catcher’s mitt face himself, the late Robert Z’Dar (Maniac Cop 2, Soultaker).

Jack (Hauser) is a homicidal alcoholic with crippling PTSD, but he’s a cop so he’s the good guy. Miller (Z’Dar) is a wannabe mob boss who raids a counterfeit operation to nab millions in fake bills. Jack and his line-flubbing partner Burt (Joe Palese) must track down the perpetrators. It turns out Jack and Miller are old army buddies from ‘nam.

Can Jack catch him in time? Will he get over his overwhelming toxic masculinity, alcoholism, violent tendencies, probable body odor, and general insecurity? Was that siren in the soundtrack for a reason, or did they just film on the street?

Some Notes:

  • Watch Blood Money on Amazon Prime.
  • Robert Z'Dar laughs (jovially) in this film.
  • Even though she's second billed, Karen Black is in a sum total of about three minutes of screen time.
  • The version on Amazon has all the swears and (presumably) sex scenes removed for some reason.

Friday, April 20, 2018

Podcast: God's Not Dead: A Light in Darkness (2018)

Direct download.

Well after its Easter weekend release, Your Stupid Minds reviews the third and latest (final?) film in the God’s Not Dead franchise: God’s Not Dead: A Light in Darkness.

Pastor Dave (David A.R. White) is released from prison after the last film’s pointless cliffhanger. The movie continues on a different path toward proving the existence of God: A struggle with a rural college over the presence of his church on campus. People are upset, for some reason, that they just discovered a church has been there for 150 years, and decide to protest vociferously.

When a vandal accidentally blows up the church and kills Dave’s co-pastor and BFF Pastor Jude (Benjamin A. Onyango), the college uses this opportunity (?) to shut it down. Dave engages in an eternal struggle of survival, with his secular social justice lawyer brother Pearce (John Corbett) at the front line. “Featuring” “special” “guest” comedian Ricky Gervais.

Some Notes:

  • See our prior review of God's Not Dead 2.
  • This movie actually got a theatrical release, so we had to hike up our pants and go out to the local multiplex to see it.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Podcast: Gor (1987)

Your Stupid Minds once again takes on a Cannon Picture (and separately, a movie somewhat focused on submission/domination) with 1987’s Gor, based on the fetishist fantasy science fiction books by John Norman.

Cabot (Urbano Barberini) is a college professor whose lectures focus on magic rings that transport people to Counter-Earth, a planet that lies on the opposite side of Earth’s orbit and perpetually masked by the sun.

After his girlfriend breaks up with him, Cabot gets into a car accident and is transported to Counter-Earth, also known as Gor. It is a savage land of prehistoric people with primitive weapons, dirty/sexy loin cloths, and slave women. Cabot must find the Home Stone (that looks like a giant Pop Rock) in order to get back to earth. Also a dwarf is there.

Some notes:

  • I could only find the trailer in German, so here's the full movie on YouTube.
  • Here's John Norman's 34th Gor book, released in 2016, Plunder of Gor.
  • For the record, Sean Connery in Zardoz does have double straps along with his tiny red Speedo.