Monday, September 23, 2019

Podcast: Milk Money (1994)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds dips into a movie too tawdry for children and too stupid for adults: 1994’s Milk Money.


A trio of 11-year-old boys saves up to purchase the services of a sex worker so they can see her naked (which is probably what they think sex is). When V (Melanie Griffith), a prostitute in the big city, agrees, circumstances bring her to their bucolic suburb where she lives in one of the boys’ treehouse and strikes up a romance with his widower father Tom (Ed Harris). There’s also something about stolen mob money, threatened wetlands, and a frilly leather jacket. Malcolm McDowell and Anne Heche are also in there somewhere.

Some Notes:
  • Paramount bought the Milk Money screenplay for $1.1 million despite it being, by all objective measures, a very bad screenplay.
  • Available on Amazon Prime. The vast majority of the captions are truncated beyond recognition and barely resemble the actual lines spoken in the film. This often improves the dialogue.
  • The way the boy treats V is vaguely similar to the relationship in The Toy. Another movie with "toy" in the title is Toy Story. Randy Newman does the soundtrack for Toy Story. Randy Newman also has a song in Milk Money. Coincidence???

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Podcast: Blind Fury (1989)



In honor of the (now not so recently) late legend Rutger Hauer, Your Stupid Minds covers one of our favorite Hauer films. No, not Blade Runner. Come on. You know what kind of podcast this is. It’s 1989’s Blind Fury!


Nick Parker (Hauer) is an American solider in Vietnam blinded by Viet Cong shrapnel. He’s taken in by local villagers and taught the ways of the sword through elaborate bullying and pranks. Years later, he finds himself plopped into southern Florida as a friendly hobo.

He goes to visit his old army buddy Frank (Terry O’Quinn), and instead finds his son Billy (Brandon Call) and soon-to-be-ex-wife Lynn (Meg Foster). The house is invaded by some goons and Nick must bring Billy back to his father and get to the bottom of this attack.

Some Notes:
  • Loosely based on the classic Japanese film and television character Zatoichi.
  • Also featuring Randall 'Tex' Cobb (Raising Arizona), Nick Cassavetes (Face/Off), and ShĂ´ Kosugi (Ninja III: The Domination).

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Podcast: Kid Cop (1996)



After a thorough and inefficient search of the Amazon Prime streaming options, Your Stupid Minds settles on the most ridiculously titled ‘90s direct-to-video release in its general eyeshot: 1996’s Kid Cop!

Sorry, I couldn't find a trailer. Here's a link to the Amazon Prime version.

A kid cop (Jer Adrianne Lelliott) insists on being a kid cop after his adult cop dad is killed in the line of duty. His mother (Alexandra Paul) is concerned, but somewhat relieved that Kid Cop is guided by the man who did not prevent her husband’s death, his partner Frank (Edward Albert). Kid Cop finds a pattern in a series of burglaries around town, and eventually suspects a pair of newcomers to town: The ice cream truck owners Beverly and Stan (Cindy Pickett and John Rubinstein). He elicits the help of his new friend Lisa (Bethany Richards) and thwarts a heinous gold coin heist by these outsider monsters.

Some Notes:
  • Edward Albert, who plays Frank, is the son of Green Acres star Eddie Albert and Mexican actress/dancer Margo.
  • Lewis Arquette, who plays the mayor, is the father of Rosanna Arquette, Patricia Arquette, Alexis Arquette, Richmond Arquette, and David Arquette.
  • Sondra Currie appears in the film, and was also in a number of exploitation films, as well as The Hangover Parts I-III.
  • Bethany Richards, who plays Lisa, is the sister of Ariana Richards, who plays Lex in Jurassic Park.
  • Kid Cop's favorite ice cream treat is a "Slide-Up," which is likely a genericization of a NestlĂ©® Push-Up® Pop, notable for including Flintstones characters. Not to be confused with a Push Pop, which is a giant Jolly Rancher in tube form.

Sunday, June 23, 2019

Podcast: Killer Workout (1987)

Direct download.



Your Stupid Minds reviews a classic of the gym-based ‘80s slasher genre, Killer Workout, also known as Aerobi-cide.


An up-and-coming model (Marcia Karr) is horrifically burned in a freak tanning bed fire. Two years (or is it five years?) later, her twin sister Rhonda (mentioned only in online synopses) opens up a gym where babes and hunks are murdered with a comically large novelty safety pin. A needlessly confrontational investigator, Lieutenant Morgan (David Campbell), is assigned the case. Another hunk, Chuck, (Ted Prior), is sent by the gym's senior partner to work at the gym, and also knows white guy karate.

Some Notes
  • Tanning bed fires are not all that uncommon.
  • Not to be confused with Death Spa, which came out a few years later. Weirdly enough one of the teens in this movie vandalizes the gym with a graffito tag that says "Death Spa," even though no spa services are seen.
  • A horrible VHS digital transfer with frequent tracking issues is available on Amazon Prime. There is also a Blu-ray version sourced from a PAL Beta SP and upconverted to HD, meaning better than the Prime version, but not by much.

Saturday, June 1, 2019

Podcast: Savage Beach (1989)


Direct download.



Your Stupid Minds returns to sports television pioneer cum b-movie schlock director Andy Sidaris (Hard Ticket to Hawaii) with his 1989 beach babes spy caper Savage Beach.


Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlson) return to the Sidaris-verse when, after a drug bust and a naked hot tub session, fly to a remote island to deliver medicine to orphans. During the mission, they encounter a storm and have to crash land on a different island, which ends up being the center of an intertwined narrative about recovering hidden World War II era gold while a bevy of other parties—ninjas, Filipino revolutionaries, and the U.S. government—attempt to do the same.

Some Notes:
  • Select scenes were inexplicably shot in Fort Wayne, Indiana.
  • Though an explosive-tipped crossbow bolt does not require an open can of gasoline to kill you, it does make the resulting explosion a lot cooler.
  • Savage Beach features no remote controlled vehicles (a director trademark). However, it does offer a number of small watercraft, tourist helicopters, and single engine planes. In a way, these are similar to remote controlled vehicles, except bigger, able to transport humans, and with the remote control permanently attached to the interior and not remote at all.
  • Shadow Shaman and Shadow Brutes have a 0.2% chance of dropping an iridium bar when slain. Both are located in the Mines, levels 81-119.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Podcast: North (1994)

Direct download.


Superfan Leo requested one of those most notoriously bad movies in modern history: Rob Reiner's 1994 box office bomb North.


The titular 11-year-old wunderkind North (Elijah Wood) is tired of his parents' (played by Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus) bickering and self-centeredness, so he decides to become a "free agent" and shops around for new parents.

With his parents in a shock-induced double coma, North traipses the globe looking for a new family, which takes him to Texas, Hawaii, Alaska, and so on. A number of A-Listers and fun character actors appear, including Bruce Willis, Jon Lovitz, Alan Arkin, Dan Aykroyd, Reba McEntire, Kathy Bates, John Ritter, Abe Vigoda, Richard Belzer, Ben Stein, and a very young Scarlett Johansson in her very first role.

Some Notes:

  • Roger Ebert famously disliked North, writing in his review that he "hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie." I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie later become the title of one of Ebert's books.
  • The movie was based on the book North: The Tale of a Boy Who Becomes a Free Agent: and Travels the World in Search of the Perfect Parents, written by Alan Zweibel, who also penned the film's screenplay. Fun Fact: No one read this book. Not even the author.
  • Abe Vigoda plays a inuit grandfather sent off to die on an ice floe. The actual Vigoda (who has always been 100 years old) would go on to live another 22 years.
  • A young Jussie Smollett also appears in the film, this time uncovering an elaborate deception rather than (allegedly) perpetuating one.

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Podcast: Longshot (2001)

Direct download.



Have you ever wanted to see *NSYNC, Kenny Rogers, O-Town, Zachery Ty Bryan, LFO, Gilbert Gottfried, Dustin Diamond, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Paul Sorvino, Britney Spears, and Art Garfunkel all together on the big screen? No, you didn't. You really, really didn't. Because that’s what happened in 2001’s Lou Pearlman produced film Longshot, and it was awful.

Sorry, we couldn't find a decent version of the trailer, so here's Britney Spears's scene in Longshot.

Much like a Russian nesting doll, the film is a gigolo-based espionage thriller within a high school basketball redemption story within a story about O-Town watching the film just described. Producer and co-writer Tony DeCamillis stars as said gigolo Jack, who is forced by gangster Lazzlo Price (Sorvino) to seduce a rich widow for information about a recent merger.

Meanwhile, Jack’s nephew Alex (Joey Sculthorpe) misses a game-winning basketball shot, and slowly gains confidence over his tormentor Deke (Ty Bryan) by beating up a mugger (“The Rock” Johnson) in a poorly-lit New York alley. Cue numerous gratuitous and pointless cameos from Lou Pearlman’s various employees, friends, and well-wishers.

Some Notes:
  • Producer of numerous boy bands (and this film) Lou Pearlman was sentenced to 25 years in prison for running a $300 million Ponzi scheme. He died in prison in 2016.
  • YouTube Originals and Lance Bass recently produced a documentary about Pearlman titled The Boy Band Con: The Lou Pearlman Story.
  • Pearlman's first love was airships, but could never get any to successfully fly. He once got Jordache to sponsor a blimp, which promptly crashed into a New Jersey garbage dump shortly after takeoff.