Thursday, January 22, 2015

Podcast: Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? (2014)

Your Stupid Minds finally finishes the epic Ayn Rand film trilogy with our podcast review of Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? Two box office bombs weren’t going to stop the producers of Atlas Shrugged, so after a Kickstarter campaign and a second complete recast, the series is finally complete. Hear our reviews of Part I and Part II for a more holistic experience.

After Dagny Taggart (Laura Regan) crashes her plane while searching for Galt’s Gulch, she finally finds John Galt himself (Kristoffer Polanha) a hunky libertarian who seduces Dagny with longwinded speeches about self-sufficiency. After a guided tour of the Gulch which mostly takes place in Galt’s arms, Dagny is still hesitant to participate in their collective temper tantrum and returns to the rail company, which is on the verge of nationalization. Will she save the railroad? Will her and Galt get it on? Will there be muted political discussions amongst rich jerks drinking wine? Find out!

Some Notes:
  • Which Ayn Rand names are real and which did we make up? Waldorf Quagmire, Liggett Numa, Cuffy Meigs, Ragnar Danneskj√∂ld, Mugwort Wiffinsgale, Francisco d'Anconia, Shumbert Famingo, Turlington Heifer, Clem Weatherby, Pladgett Slurm, and Midas Mulligan. The answers may surprise you!
  • Featuring powerhouse performances from Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Ron Paul!
  • Learn more about the iron maiden and other fascinating torture devices.
Direct download.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Podcast: Thunderstruck (2012)

Happy New Year from Your Stupid Minds! We start off the new year right with a return to Slam Dunk Fun! This time we have Freaky Friday meets Like Mike meets that part in Space Jam when all the superstars lose their basketball abilities: 2012’s Thunderstruck starring NBA all-star Kevin Durant!

A 16 year old basketball fan (who acts 10) is comically terrible at basketball, and after an exchange with Durant at an Oklahoma City Thunder game, is magically imbued with his amazing basketball skills! The high school basketball coach (played by “sleepy bear” Jim Belushi) lets him on the team and performs amazingly. At the same time, Durant is horrible and his agent Alan (Brandon T. Jackson) figures out very quickly that it’s because of this gypsy curse.

Some Notes:
  • Special thanks to YSM fan Brianne for the recommendation (and we hope your team does this or next season).
  • Apologies to our fans named Connor.
  • Apologies to Peyton Manning and his giant head.
  • Apologies to our fans for planting the image of a nude Jim Belushi dressed as Yogi Bear.
Direct download.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Podcast: Dangerously Close (1986)

Your Stupid Minds returns from a brief hiatus to provide yet another Cannon Group/Golan-Globus movie, this time riding the coattails of the sensational news story of the Legion of Doom vigilante group at R.L. Paschal High School in Fort Worth. Dangerously Close was the low-budget theatrical version released one week before the made-for-TV movie of the same subject, The Brotherhood of Justice, starring future heartthrobs Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland, Lori Loughlin, and Billy Zane. Dangerously Close stars no one, unless you count John Stockwell (future director of In the Blood), and Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister.

At a high school presumably in Southern California, a student organization called “The Sentinels” cleans up the school through education, regular hallway patrols, and targeting people they don’t like and pretending to murder them. When one of their victims ends up actually murdered, high school newspaper editor and goody-two-shoes Danny (J. Eddie Peck) investigates. When Danny’s pudgy annoying punk friend Krooger (Bradford Bancroft) goes missing, Danny decides to expose The Sentinels for the murderous terrorist organization it truly is.

Some Notes:
  • Up until a few days ago, Dangerously Close was available in full on YouTube. It was recently removed for copyright reasons, presumably so the defunct Cannon Group can finally give it a DVD release. So as it stands now, I have no idea how to watch it, unless you want to peruse the VHS bins of your local video store.
  • Vince McMahon storming into the World Wildlife Fund's offices.
Direct download.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Podcast: The Phantom (1996)

Digest the day away with our newest podcast episode: 1996’s The Phantom starring buff tan Billy Zane.

Evil 1930s guy Xander Drax (Treat Williams) tries to get three powerful shiny skulls so he can shoot a bunch of people with skull lasers. He enlists the help of secret cult member and all-around goon Quill (James Remar) and perpetually catsuit-clad aviatrix Sala (Catherine Zeta-Jones) to jet set around the globe to New York sets, jungle caves, and uncharted pirate islands. The Phantom (Billy Zane) tracks his movements in a purple suit with the help of his white horse and pet wolf (who can talk to horses). The Phantom made $5 million its opening weekend, ranking #6 behind instant classics such as Eddie and Dragonheart.

Some Notes
  • Fun fact: George Lucas came up with the idea for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when he fell asleep in front of the television watching STARZ.
  • If anyone can confirm/deny whether Catherine Zeta-Jones is always wearing a catsuit under her clothes we would really appreciate it.
  • Where do you think The Phantom should have placed opening weekend? Please let us know if you're a Spy Hard superfan before providing input.
Direct download

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Podcast: Link (1986)

After going months without reviewing a Cannon/Golan-Globus film, we finally snapped and watched Link, the story of an ape that doesn't seem to understand when a young Elizabeth Shue isn't interested in him that way.

Shue plays Jane (of course), a chimp apologist and student who volunteers to work with Professor Steven Phillip (Terrence Stamp)'s chimps at his remote country estate. She's greeted at the door by Link, an orangutan in chimp-makeup, and quickly befriends the various chimps, disapproving of Stamp's negativity and casual attitude towards Link smoking cigars at the dinner table. When the Professor disappears, Jane is left alone with the chimps, and eventually starts to realize that something ain't quite right. It's almost like Link won't let her leave. And what's he doing outside her bathroom while she's showering? Try closing the door, dummy.

Notes and Observations:
  • Including text reviews, I count 11 Golan-Globus films that we've reviewed. And buddy, you better believe we're not finished.
  • We take issue with the Professor's claim that his chimps are "ten times" the strength of a human. Two? Sure. Three? Maybe? But ten? No way.
  • On a related note, if any university wants to fund out research into just how strong we could make chimps, possibly by injecting them with Chimp Growth Hormone (CGH), please e-mail us and we'll work something out. We don't see the downside to this research.
  • We didn't even mention it, but the film opens with a chimp killing a cat that distracts some parents in the middle of watching a public domain film, as Marlene Dietrich wears a gorilla suit during a performance of "Hot Voodoo" in 1932's Blonde Venus. Here she is taking off the gorilla outfit.
  • We make reference to our conversation in episode 8, Cool Dog, where we first pointed out the problem with complimenting dog acting.
  • At the moment, Link is available in full on YouTube.
Direct download.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Podcast: Leprechaun Origins (2014)

A special Halloween episode with one of the worst movies we’ve ever reviewed! Have you ever thought “you know, I really like those Leprechaun movies with Warwick Davis, except I wish he couldn’t talk and was a monster instead of a leprechaun”? Well you’re in luck! WWE Studios acquired the franchise, cast dwarf wrestling novelty act Hornswoggle, plastered him all over the marketing materials, and then put him in a disgusting full body costume and gave him no lines. The result is a lazy generic slasher film with absolutely no remnants of the original franchise.

A "leprechaun" "played" by WWE "superstar" Hornswoggle.

On their last week visiting Ireland (which looks suspiciously like British Columbia), a group of four friends (with suspiciously Canadian accents) come upon a small town with charming locals who agree to take them to a special hiking spot. As it turns out, this hiking spot is a ruse to provide the tourists as human sacrifice for a monster terrorizing the countryside, which they insist is a leprechaun despite all appearances to the contrary. What results is a barely written series of scenes alternating between various cabins, vehicles, and forests involving running, scampering, screaming, whimpering, yelling, and crying.

Not only is the movie pure tedium, but by the end the audience is subjected to twelve (12) minutes of excruciating end credits with nary a post-credit stinger in sight. That’s $5.40 we will never see again.

Some Notes:
  • The wrestler Hornswoggle is a dwarf actually dressed as a leprechaun. They simply chose not to highlight this gimmick in any way.
  • Leprechaun: Origins is available to rent or buy on various streaming services, but we're not going to tell you what they are.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Podcast: .com for Murder (2002)

We continue our October scary-movie-a-thon-thing with the terrifying and impossible to alphabetize cyber thriller .com for Murder. Directed by schlock semi-master Nico Mastorakis, this ripoff of Halloween, Psycho, Rear Window, etc. stars Nastassja Kinski (Cat People), Nicollette Sheridan (former Michael Bolton paramour), Roger Daltrey (Vampirella, The Who), and Huey Lewis (of the News).

When hotshot architect Ben (Daltrey) leaves his temporarily handicapped wive Sondra (Kinski) in the care of her sister and a completely computerized mansion named Hal, she uses the opportunity to antagonize murderers in an online sex chatroom. When she annoys the wrong murderer—a hacker who goes by Werther—he uses the opportunity to send her video footage of a murder (encrypted as a racist public domain cartoon) and then go after her as well! Meanwhile FBI Agent Matheson (Lewis) takes the case despite lacking a basic understanding of computers and technology.

Join Nick, Chris, and returning special guest Sarah Long (from Episode 42: American Strays) as we try and figure out how to add blood effects to chatoom text, why the director thought the delete key could possibly execute any sort of command, and the murderer’s extremely dubious time estimate for death by wrist knick.

Some Notes: