Thursday, March 16, 2017

Podcast: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

Direct download.



Your Stupid Minds tries a semi-new release before the other big name bad movie podcasts can take a crack at it: Fifty Shades Darker! Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) return per contractual obligation for this needless sequel to the passable first film Fifty Shades of Grey.


Ana and Christian are broken up. And when you break up with someone, it’s important to just move on. Just kidding! You should buy several photographs of her at a public gallery, follow her around and maintain a dossier with her picture and measurements. Luckily this works (when you’re a billionaire), so the lovers reconcile and proceed with progressively kinkier “vanilla” sex.

Unfortunately their disgusting love is tainted by pockets of tension which quickly dissipate, such as a rapist boss with the on-the-nose villain name of Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), crazy ex-lover Leila (Bella Heathcote), older abuser Elena (Kim Basinger), and third act helicopter malfunction. The movie is mostly Batman Returns at this point, except with Christian being much more manipulative and aloof than Bruce Wayne.

Some Notes:
  • Yes we are two men, so we can't help but compare Christian to Batman the entire time.
  • Keep an eye out for Chekhov's Aspen Cottage in the film which never pays off.
  • How made shades of grey are there, anyway?
  • "I want to go to a masquerade." "...You want to go to a mass grave??"

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Podcast: First Kid (1996)

 



Your Stupid Minds is staying political with 1996’s First Kid. Haven’t you wanted to see what would happen if a snot-nosed child of the President of the United States teamed up with Sinbad? Your wish has come true!


Luke Davenport (Brock Pierce) is the teenaged son of the president. He doesn’t get along with his current Secret Service agent, so Sam Simms (Sinbad) is assigned to his detail. He sneaks him out of the White House, teaches him how to fight against prep school bully Rob (Zachery Ty Bryan), and gives him the moves to get the girl.

Some Notes:
  • Is it really FDR on the dime? Or is it Harry Truman?
  • This movie exists in an alternate universe where Bill Clinton loses the 1996 election but is still on good terms with the candidate who defeated him.
  • If someone is named "moongoose12" in a snake-themed chatroom, don't trust that person.
  • LOL. (laugh out loud)
  • All First Kids had a secret cry hole.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Podcast: Barb Wire (1996)



Your Stupid Minds brings you a chilling tale of things to come (or are) with 1996's Barb Wire. See if any of this sounds familiar to you.


Uh huh. Yeah, this sounds like where we're going.


Sure. Martial Law. Congressional Directorate. Old democracy overthrown. Sounds familiar. What year does this take place?


THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! Barb Wire pinpointed where we were going with shocking accuracy.

In any case, it's a sexy comic book adaptation with Pamela Anderson (Barb Wire). Udo Kier is also there. It's a shoddy dystopian remake of Casablanca. It's based on a Dark Horse comic book. Enjoy!

Some Notes:

Monday, January 16, 2017

Podcast: Pass Thru (2016)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out the Neil Breen oeuvre with 2015/2016’s Pass Thru, brought to you by a purchased $30 standard def DVD from the Breenster himself!


Falling into Breen’s “foreign being committing mass murder for the sake of humanity” genre, Pass Thru is about a time-traveling alien named “Tghil” (named after a yogurt container) who embodies the corporeal form of a heroin-addicted loser to bring benevolent genocide to the world. He befriends a multicultural aunt/niece combo to take on the corrupt politicians, hypocritical media, and greedy CEOs while a group of tenacious young astronomers try to seek him out.

Some Notes:
  • Do you think you'd survive the Breen genocide?
  • "It's like watching a post-apocalyptic Hamilton!" -Nick Nobel, Your Stupid Minds
  • "This just in: The bank president is missing. Which one? The worst one? It is almost as if all the pieces of shit are gone."
  • Be cool kids like us and buy Pass-Thru on http://www.pass-thru-film.com/ That's right, Neil has moved on from his .biz roots!

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Podcast: The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

Direct download.


Merry Christmas from Your Stupid Minds! We celebrate the holiday with a middling shelved Hungarian/UK adaptation of Tchaikovsky’s classic, with 2010’s The Nutcracker in 3D! Starring a young Elle Fanning as Mary, John Turturro as The Rat King, and Nathan Lane as Uncle Albert Einstein (yes this actually happened in the movie).


When Uncle Albert brings over a Nutcracker and dollhouse for his niece Mary and hellish toy-destroying Nephew Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), the Nutcracker comes to life, along with the dolls inside the house! Mary travels to a dream world full of Nazi-horrors, as the fascist Rat King has taken over the Nutcracker’s kingdom and genocided all the toys. It’s up to Mary, the Nutcracker, a harlequin clown, a chimp man, and a Rastafarian drummer boy to save the day. Also Sigmund Freud is briefly in the movie.

Some Notes:
  • Apologies for all the Maxes in the world. I tried to defend you but Hollywood just wants to cast you to commit toy hate crimes.
  • Quick note about Nathan Lane vermin-related movies (The Nutcracker in 3D, Stuart Little, Mouse Hunt). The Stuart Little screenplay was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
  • The Rat King's song when he electrocutes a shark.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Podcast: J.C. (1972)

Direct download.



Your Stupid Minds takes a detour off the well-traveled roads of bad movies to seek out William McGaha, a writer, director, producer, and star of three very cheap films in the 1960s and 70s. Fresh off Nudie-Cutie Bad Girls for the Boys and Stock-car racing+gangsters project The Speed Lovers, McGaha's third and final passion project is J.C., a 1972 biker movie about a religious fanatic and Jesus-allegory biker who basically just mooches off everyone.


After construction worker J.C. and his cohort are yelled at for smoking during a lunch break, J.C. quits and gets high in his tighty-whities while his former social worker girlfriend runs errands and is a functional adult. J.C. has a vision of a big eye or something and that night at a campfire rouses his biker pals to drive cross-country to his hometown for.... reasons. The bikers immediately upset the local populace, not (only) because they are rude and smell bad, but because they have brought their black friends. Will J.C. and his crew run afoul of Sheriff Caldwell (Slim Pickens, somehow in this movie)? ....Yes.

Some Notes:
  • We feel really bad for J.C.'s sister, who has to deal with a crazy preacher father who's dead, a mother who's MIA, and a brother that clearly has mental health and/or substance abuse issues. She's also about 25 and has an 8-10 year old.
  • What is Slim Pickens' end-game? It seems like he wants to kill the bikers, but in a way where his name won't be in the paper.
  • Keep an eye out for the boom mic as it zips back and forth during conversations: he's practically part of J.C.'s crew!
  • Because no one cares about it, this movie is available in full on YouTube.
  • Your Stupid Minds recommends: Marjoe and Vixen!
  • Roger Ebert's Easy Rider review.

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Podcast: Stone Cold (1991)




Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian “The Boz” Bosworth: 1991’s Stone Cold! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen).


After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to bring a violent Mississippi biker gang down. After feeding his pet lizard (maybe a Komodo Dragon?), he heads off to The South’s Warmest Welcome to meet Chains, second-in-command Ice (William Forsythe), old lady Nancy (Arabella Holzbog), and token wuss Gut (Evan James) to bring down their drug dealing and general violence. Stone gets in deep when he gets feelings for Nancy, and makes up some elaborate drug buy with a limitless supply of FBI drugs.

Can Stone bring the gang down before their terroristic plans from to fruition? Will he get home in time to feed his lizard? Will Gut get the confidence he so sorely needs? Listen to find out!

Some Notes:
  • What underwear do bikers wear (if any)? If you're a biker, please let us know.
  • RIP Gut (spoiler alert).
  • Filmed in Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas, and Florida.
  • I said it in the podcast and I'll say it again, they should have made a Duke Nukem movie in the '90s with The Boz.