Monday, October 29, 2018

Podcast: The American Templars (2013)

Near-fatal cat infections and paternity leave is over, so after a brief hiatus, we are back! Chris's recuperation involved a trip to scenic New England, where he saw an old building once owned by Benedict Arnold (great-grandfather of the guy you're thinking of). A Google Maps search revealed a strange museum dedicated to the building. Friend of the show Sarah Long (guest on American Strays,  .com for Murder) mentioned that the owner of the museum produced a movie! So we watched it!

Notent Notables:
  • To the best of our knowledge, there isn't any method to impeach a witness's testimony by showing the witness is a homosexual. The cartoon villain Catholic bishop seems to disagree, literally using information learned in confessional to try to discredit a witness against him.
  • Henry Sinclair was a Scottish guy born in 1345, an Earl and a vassal of the King of Norway. What this movie presupposes is: what if he's actually Jesus' secret great-grand-kid, *and* he took a boat to America in 1385 or so? And the prosecution of the Templars in 1307 was part of this cover-up of this guy being born thousands of miles away decades later. It's pretty obvious.
  • The movie gets basic details of the history of American colonization wrong, and gives that dialogue to someone whose job is working for a historical society. 
  • The handsomest man in the movie, hitman with a heart Salazar, seems to have a chance at "making it," as he was a major character in the video game prequel "Life is Strange: Before the Storm."
  • If you are interested in this movie, it is available for rent on Amazon Prime.

Saturday, September 15, 2018

Podcast: Uninvited (1988)

Direct download.

You, you are allowed, you are invited to check out our newest episode of Your Stupid Minds! After last episode's ghostly boat adventure, we head back to the open seas with 1988's Uninvited.

Wall Street wiz Walter Graham (Alex Kord, Archangel from Airwolf and one of the bad guys in Street Asylum) and his partner (George Kennedy) have a vague, illegal plan that the SEC is investigating, and the only thing they have to do to become ultra-rich is take Graham's yacht from Fort Lauderdale to the Cayman Islands. As a front, they pick up two spring break babes, and the trio of dudes the babes recruit to make sure they're never alone with gross old men.

Along with the ship's captain Rachel (Toni Hudson, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III), the gang also decides to bring a cat: unfortunately, as a result of genetic experiments (?) a monster comes out of the cat and poisons people's blood when he bites them (???).

Join us as we discuss how this cat's demon powers work, guess at George Kennedy's shooting schedule, and more! Plus, Chris brings a new pet into his home. What could go wrong?

Some Notes:
  • Available now on Amazon Video.
  • August 24, 1988 is listed as the release date, making the film 30 years old. It's unclear if it was given a theatrical release. The Amazon version is clearly a VHS transfer.
  • Is the Uninvited Cat the result of the same experiments that created the Contaminated Snake in Hard Ticket to Hawaii? We assume so. 
  • As mentioned in the episode, our schedule may be a bit off as Nick plans for the arrival of his first child, while Chris recovers from mutant cat poisoning.

Monday, August 20, 2018

Podcast: Ghost Ship (2002)

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Your Stupid Minds is back with a very special guest, Vanessa of the Square Roots Classic RPG Podcast! She brought a Blu-ray from her collection with her, 2002's Ghost Ship!

Gabriel Byrne, Julianna Margulies, Isaiah Washington, a young Karl Urban, and two guys you don't know are back from a successful boat salvage when mysterious stranger Jack Ferriman (Desmond Harrington from Dexter) offers them an opportunity to salvage a boat in the Bering Sea.

The crew reluctantly take the opportunity to salvage a "ghost ship," but quickly run into spooky doings a transpiring when Margulies spies adorable child-ghost Katie (Emily Browning of Sucker Punch). Among a bunch of spooky red flags, Ferriman discovers a bunch of gold in storage. What a lucky coincidence that surely won't end in the death of most of the crew!

Notent Notables:
  • We talk at length about a Sega CD version of Ghost Ship that sadly, does not exist in our universe. Instead we are left with Sewer Shark.  
  • The opening of this movie is completely bonkers, featuring dozens of people bifurcated by the sharpest wire in the world. Clip is here (NSFW, obviously).
  • We spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly why the ghost pretends to have sexual tension with one character, and why he (mild spoilers) scares a character the ghost needs for his ghastly goals (or "ghouls" as he might call them) by making him eat maggots.
  • This movie is secretly an Australian co-production, with Karl Urban, Emily Browning, and Alex Dimitriades pretending to be American, British, and Hispanic(???), respectively.
  • The movie is aggressively early 2000s, as Mudvayne's "Not Falling" is played more than once. A DVD extra has an unofficial music video featuring the entire song. Here it is.

Friday, August 3, 2018

Podcast: Brenda Starr (1989?)

By popular demand, Your Stupid Minds finally does Brenda Starr, the troubled Golan-Globus based-on-a-comic-strip-no-one-read film shot in 1986, completed in 1989, and released in 1992 about a hotshot reporter.

Brenda Starr (Brooke Shields) is a star(r) reporter at the New York Flash. After getting the scoop on a German/Irish gangster Donovan O’Shea that results in her being hospitalized, her editor sends her on a mission to get the scoop on a rumored new water-based super fuel. She gets a tip from mysterious eye-patched beau Basil St. John (Timothy Dalton) and goes to Brazil by way of Puerto Rico.

Meanwhile, a number of people are on her tail, including Soviet spies, rival reporter Libby ‘Lips’ Lipscomb (Diana Scarwid), and her own cartoonist from the real world Mike (Tony Peck, son of Gregory). What results is some hijinks involving capoeira, an alligator with a cigar, and Jeffrey Tambor.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Podcast: Gotti (2018)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds reviews the movie that critics DON’T want you to see, the years-in-the-making pro mafia propaganda film starring a dimming Hollywood star: Gotti!

John Travolta assumes the titular role in some of the best wig work of his career. John Gotti is a low-level goon in the Gambino crime syndicate who gets the opportunity to move up the ranks through a targeted assassination. He kills the guy but completely borks the killing and goes to jail for the crime. He spends the rest of the movie in and out of prison, squinting and assuming a horrible accent, yelling at his kids, yelling at his underlings, telling horrible jokes, killing his boss in an unsanctioned hit, being the boss for a while, and dying in prison. The movie determines this man is a hero.

Also starring Travolta’s wife Kelly Preston as scenery-chewing Victoria Gotti, and Spencer Rocco Lofranco as John Gotti Jr., which the movie inexplicably becomes about after Gotti Sr.’s death. Since Gotti Jr. consulted heavily on the film, the entire experience reads like a love letter to poorly implemented and flamboyantly executed crime, without actually showing what the mob does to earn money. Directed by Kevin Connolly (E from Entourage) with a disjointed mix of voice over, flash back, and 30 second nonsense scenes that go nowhere.

Some Notes:
  • Pitbull inexplicably wrote and performed an entire custom soundtrack, complete with references to Miami and smears against Sammy "The Bull" Gravano.
  • In a collection of scenes interspersed throughout the movie, John Travolta plays an old, bald, wrinkly Gotti dying in prison. We're 100% convinced Travolta is not wearing makeup nor a bald cap.
  • Chapo Trap House reviewed the movie a few weeks ago. Though we are both devoted Grey Wolves, we deliberately avoided listening to their episode until after it was recorded. Any similar riffs are purely coincidental.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Podcast: Street Asylum (1990)

Direct download.

Another early 90s moral decay police brutality movie with fascist overtones and mild sci-fi elements, it’s 1990’s Street Asylum, from director Gregory Dark, the man who brought you such classics as New Wave Hookers 4, Hootermania, Let Me Tell Ya ‘Bout White Chicks, and Mandy Moore’s “Walk Me Home” music video (she presumably wants to have you walk her home so she isn’t murdered by cops).

Arliss Ryder (Wings Hauser, again) is a good cop wanting to do better, so after getting shot in the lower back he joins the police S.Q.U.A.D. of psychotic aggressive cops who murder innocent people, created by mayoral candidate Jim Miller (played by Watergate break-in mastermind G. Gordon Liddy). When his maniac partners—including a giggling sexual predator known as “Joker” (Sy Richardson)—repeatedly murder innocent people and then commit suicide, Ryder begins to suspect something is up.

It turns out the cops have mind-controlling microchips implanted in their lower spines that make them have persistent ‘roid rage, and Ryder is determined to stop it at all costs, even if that cost is to dress his girlfriend up in bondage gear to seduce a mustachioed politician.

Some Notes:
  • Available on VHS on Amazon, or for free (with Spanish subtitles) on YouTube.
  • Brion James also plays a street preacher who sets a pimp on fire for no reason, but I didn't know where to fit that into the synopsis.
  • Our casting choices for the 2018 remake:
    • Nick
      • Arliss: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
      • Joker: Michael B. Jordon
      • Reverend Mony: Willem Dafoe
      • Jim Miller: Harvey Weinstein
    • Chris
      • Arliss: Ian Zeiring
      • Joker: Donald Glover (doing a Danny Glover imitation)
      • Pimp: Bobby Moynihan
      • Jim Miller: Sebastian Gorka

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Podcast: Made of Honor (2008)

Direct download.

For no particular reason, here’s 2008’s Made of Honor, a romantic comedy starring Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, and Kadeem “Dwayne Wayne” Hardison.

Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (Monaghan) meet in college when Tom nearly sexually assaults Hannah in a hilarious mistaken identity late 90s Halloween Bill Clinton related dorm prank. They exchange witty Hepburn/Tracy like banter and become best of friends. Ten years later, in the common day of  pre-recession flip phone 2008, she’s a curator at the Met and he invented those coffee cup caddies and does nothing. She goes away to Scotland for work, and in that time falls in love with Scottish Duke Colin (Kevin McKidd), and Tom realizes he’s in love with her. She asks him to be her maid (made?) of honor. Hijinks ensue. Colin has a huge penis.

Some Notes:

  • Upon further reflection, we're pretty sure Ross did not have sex with Emily on Friends. Someone please enlighten us.
  • Sydney Pollack's last film, unfortunately.
  • Please donate to our Soup2Nuts Kickstarter, the SmartSoup® System that automatically detects the ideal temperature for your soup.
  • Aside from soup, most of this episode is about horse penises.
  • Why is this movie called Made of Honor? Is Tom "made" of honor? Did they mean Man of Honor? Did they not want to be confused with Men of Honor?