Saturday, February 21, 2015

Podcast: The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

It’s our follow-up to “Academy Award nominees appearing in cash-grab sequels,” as we follow Batman Returns with The Lost World: Jurassic Park, featuring Academy Award nominee Julianne Moore!

Several years after the events of the first film, the almost unrecognizable Dr. Ian Malcolm heads to a second, "lost" island where the dinosaurs have flourished in isolation to find Sarah (Moore), his dino expert girlfriend. For no reason, his 12-13 year old daughter tags along. But the environmental observation is ruined when a team of EVIL poachers appear, ready to embark on a plan fifty times dumber and more irresponsible than Jurassic Park's "clone dinosaurs and then make people buy plane tickets to come and see the dinosaurs."

Featuring an all-star supporting cast (Vince Vaughn, Pete Postlethwaite, Peter Stormare) and one of the best action directors ever, the film still manages to be pretty terrible, thanks largely to a script that makes characters actively sabotage their own survival for little to no reason and behave in incredibly dumb ways whenever the script demands.

Some Notes:
  • We go on several rants this episode, but this film is so full of things that make no sense there's a few we didn't even get to, such as: Why did the scientists even make raptors or Compsognathus ("little turkey dinosaurs")? Just make glamour dinos! Triceratops, Stegosaurus, T-Rex, etc. Especially don’t make a bunch of carnivorous dinosaurs nobody wants to see!
  • Another thing, how does this small island support so many dinosaurs? While we don’t know exactly how many calories a T-Rex or a raptor need to survive, chances are it's a lot, and once the island's native monkey population is gone, and dumb mercenaries have all been eaten, how will they survive? How will the herbivores survive once they strip the bark off all the trees and don’t have anywhere to migrate?
  • There is a lot of talk about pooping and/or peeing in this episode. We consider this the movie's fault.
Direct download.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Podcast: Batman Returns (1992)

Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of goofy comic book movies; this time, it's that movie that you never think about but remember being sort of good: Batman Returns! It's the Ghostbusters 2 of a new generation! It's also the return of academy award favorite Michael Keaton to the podcast. Was his performance in Birdman better than Jack Frost? You tell us!

Join Chris, Nick, and returning guest Vincent Goodwin as we address the wall-to-wall strange choices that helped propel Batman Returns to the #3 spot of the 1992 box office (oh wait, it completely coasted on the success of Batman, the #1 film of 1989)! Together, we answer the tough questions like: what happens in this movie? Who is the main character? Why does the Penguin act the way he does? What is Penguin's plan? What is Catwoman's plan? How many press conferences can one mayor throw in the same plaza? Why isn't Gotham constantly dealing with recall elections?

Some Notes:
  • Batman appears, briefly, thirteen minutes into this movie, only to disappear for another twenty minutes.
  • The entire film is Tim Burton at his Tim Burton-iest. The entire film takes place in the lead-up to Christmas, Burton veterans Paul Reubens, Diane Salinger, and Michael Keaton appear in cameos, Danny Elfman provides the score, and a dead man is lowered into a body of water by his weird-ass friends. The only things missing are Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
  • Elements of the Penguin's (stupid) design were incorporated into Batman: the Animated Series, and as a result, he was one of the lamer villains on the show.
  • Vince somehow finds the time to be in several other podcasts, including: All My Friends Are Right Here, a roundtable pop culture debate show, and Tuesday Morning Pod, an SNL review podcast. Here's his blog.
  • Also, if you're somehow not sick of Chris talking about movies, he's a special guest on Cinema Excelsior, a podcast dedicated to chronologically reviewing every Marvel movie (although they skipped Generation X).
Direct download.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Podcast: Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? (2014)

Your Stupid Minds finally finishes the epic Ayn Rand film trilogy with our podcast review of Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? Two box office bombs weren’t going to stop the producers of Atlas Shrugged, so after a Kickstarter campaign and a second complete recast, the series is finally complete. Hear our reviews of Part I and Part II for a more holistic experience.

After Dagny Taggart (Laura Regan) crashes her plane while searching for Galt’s Gulch, she finally finds John Galt himself (Kristoffer Polanha) a hunky libertarian who seduces Dagny with longwinded speeches about self-sufficiency. After a guided tour of the Gulch which mostly takes place in Galt’s arms, Dagny is still hesitant to participate in their collective temper tantrum and returns to the rail company, which is on the verge of nationalization. Will she save the railroad? Will her and Galt get it on? Will there be muted political discussions amongst rich jerks drinking wine? Find out!

Some Notes:
  • Which Ayn Rand names are real and which did we make up? Waldorf Quagmire, Liggett Numa, Cuffy Meigs, Ragnar Danneskj√∂ld, Mugwort Wiffinsgale, Francisco d'Anconia, Shumbert Famingo, Turlington Heifer, Clem Weatherby, Pladgett Slurm, and Midas Mulligan. The answers may surprise you!
  • Featuring powerhouse performances from Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Ron Paul!
  • Learn more about the iron maiden and other fascinating torture devices.
Direct download.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Podcast: Thunderstruck (2012)

Happy New Year from Your Stupid Minds! We start off the new year right with a return to Slam Dunk Fun! This time we have Freaky Friday meets Like Mike meets that part in Space Jam when all the superstars lose their basketball abilities: 2012’s Thunderstruck starring NBA all-star Kevin Durant!

A 16 year old basketball fan (who acts 10) is comically terrible at basketball, and after an exchange with Durant at an Oklahoma City Thunder game, is magically imbued with his amazing basketball skills! The high school basketball coach (played by “sleepy bear” Jim Belushi) lets him on the team and performs amazingly. At the same time, Durant is horrible and his agent Alan (Brandon T. Jackson) figures out very quickly that it’s because of this gypsy curse.

Some Notes:
  • Special thanks to YSM fan Brianne for the recommendation (and we hope your team does this or next season).
  • Apologies to our fans named Connor.
  • Apologies to Peyton Manning and his giant head.
  • Apologies to our fans for planting the image of a nude Jim Belushi dressed as Yogi Bear.
Direct download.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Podcast: Dangerously Close (1986)

Your Stupid Minds returns from a brief hiatus to provide yet another Cannon Group/Golan-Globus movie, this time riding the coattails of the sensational news story of the Legion of Doom vigilante group at R.L. Paschal High School in Fort Worth. Dangerously Close was the low-budget theatrical version released one week before the made-for-TV movie of the same subject, The Brotherhood of Justice, starring future heartthrobs Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland, Lori Loughlin, and Billy Zane. Dangerously Close stars no one, unless you count John Stockwell (future director of In the Blood), and Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister.

At a high school presumably in Southern California, a student organization called “The Sentinels” cleans up the school through education, regular hallway patrols, and targeting people they don’t like and pretending to murder them. When one of their victims ends up actually murdered, high school newspaper editor and goody-two-shoes Danny (J. Eddie Peck) investigates. When Danny’s pudgy annoying punk friend Krooger (Bradford Bancroft) goes missing, Danny decides to expose The Sentinels for the murderous terrorist organization it truly is.

Some Notes:
  • Up until a few days ago, Dangerously Close was available in full on YouTube. It was recently removed for copyright reasons, presumably so the defunct Cannon Group can finally give it a DVD release. So as it stands now, I have no idea how to watch it, unless you want to peruse the VHS bins of your local video store.
  • Vince McMahon storming into the World Wildlife Fund's offices.
Direct download.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Podcast: The Phantom (1996)

Digest the day away with our newest podcast episode: 1996’s The Phantom starring buff tan Billy Zane.

Evil 1930s guy Xander Drax (Treat Williams) tries to get three powerful shiny skulls so he can shoot a bunch of people with skull lasers. He enlists the help of secret cult member and all-around goon Quill (James Remar) and perpetually catsuit-clad aviatrix Sala (Catherine Zeta-Jones) to jet set around the globe to New York sets, jungle caves, and uncharted pirate islands. The Phantom (Billy Zane) tracks his movements in a purple suit with the help of his white horse and pet wolf (who can talk to horses). The Phantom made $5 million its opening weekend, ranking #6 behind instant classics such as Eddie and Dragonheart.

Some Notes
  • Fun fact: George Lucas came up with the idea for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when he fell asleep in front of the television watching STARZ.
  • If anyone can confirm/deny whether Catherine Zeta-Jones is always wearing a catsuit under her clothes we would really appreciate it.
  • Where do you think The Phantom should have placed opening weekend? Please let us know if you're a Spy Hard superfan before providing input.
Direct download

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Podcast: Link (1986)

After going months without reviewing a Cannon/Golan-Globus film, we finally snapped and watched Link, the story of an ape that doesn't seem to understand when a young Elizabeth Shue isn't interested in him that way.

Shue plays Jane (of course), a chimp apologist and student who volunteers to work with Professor Steven Phillip (Terrence Stamp)'s chimps at his remote country estate. She's greeted at the door by Link, an orangutan in chimp-makeup, and quickly befriends the various chimps, disapproving of Stamp's negativity and casual attitude towards Link smoking cigars at the dinner table. When the Professor disappears, Jane is left alone with the chimps, and eventually starts to realize that something ain't quite right. It's almost like Link won't let her leave. And what's he doing outside her bathroom while she's showering? Try closing the door, dummy.

Notes and Observations:
  • Including text reviews, I count 11 Golan-Globus films that we've reviewed. And buddy, you better believe we're not finished.
  • We take issue with the Professor's claim that his chimps are "ten times" the strength of a human. Two? Sure. Three? Maybe? But ten? No way.
  • On a related note, if any university wants to fund out research into just how strong we could make chimps, possibly by injecting them with Chimp Growth Hormone (CGH), please e-mail us and we'll work something out. We don't see the downside to this research.
  • We didn't even mention it, but the film opens with a chimp killing a cat that distracts some parents in the middle of watching a public domain film, as Marlene Dietrich wears a gorilla suit during a performance of "Hot Voodoo" in 1932's Blonde Venus. Here she is taking off the gorilla outfit.
  • We make reference to our conversation in episode 8, Cool Dog, where we first pointed out the problem with complimenting dog acting.
  • At the moment, Link is available in full on YouTube.
Direct download.