Thursday, August 6, 2020

Podcast: The Goldfinch (2019)


Your Stupid Minds continues its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with a big budget adaptation of a book that was not nearly as best-selling as the book: The Goldfinch! Starring a bevy of hot young male actors with incredibly silly names.

Theo Decker (Oakes Fegley) is a boy who is a victim in a terrorist attack targeting New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art. His mother is killed in the blast and he goes to live with some WASP-y family friends. The matriarch Mrs. Barbour (Nicole Kidman) takes a liking to Theo, but he is whisked away by his deadbeat alcoholic gambling addicted dad Larry (Luke Wilson).

He moves outside Las Vegas and befriends an emo looking Ukrainian boy Boris (Finn Wolfhard). There is some time jumping to the present with Ansel Elgort as adult Theo. Something about a missing painting. A young homoerotic experience. A deadly yachting accident. An elaborate European art heist. Some other things too. It's really long.

Some Notes:

  • Roger Deakins was the Director of Photography. So at least it looks nice!
  • The film acts like The Goldfinch painting is the greatest thing ever created. Here is is. It's smaller than a piece of legal paper.
  • Nicole Kidman looks fantastic.

Saturday, July 11, 2020

Podcast: Between Worlds (2018)

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Your Stupid Minds continues its Worst of 2019 mini theme with a film that technically didn’t come out in 2019 (December of 2018) but also didn’t really come out anywhere, really. Nicolas Cage stars as another character named Joe in Maria Pulera's ghostly thriller dark comedy drama horror film Between Worlds.

Joe (Cage) is a widower Alabama truck driver whose wife and five-year-old daughter died tragically in a house fire. He comes across a woman named Julie (Run Lola Run’s Franka Potente) being choked out in a truck stop bathroom. He beats up the choker, but Julie explains the choking was consensual. She has a psychic ability to exist “between worlds” when she is near death. She needs to use her ability to rescue the soul of her daughter, who is in a coma after a motorcycle accident.

Joe and Julie start a relationship, but things are not what they seem as the recovering daughter Billie (Penelope Mitchell) begins acting stranger and hornier than usual.

Some Notes:
  • Available on Netflix.
  • Submitted by listener request. The listener writes: "Imagine a wealthy, cloistered Tina Belcher wrote an uncomfortably horny fake David Lynch film and had a fetish for giving Nic Cage embarrassing directions on set. That's basically this movie."
  • This is the fourth time Nicolas Cage has played a character named "Joe." If IMDb rumors are correct, he will play a fifth Joe in an upcoming Joe Exotic miniseries.
  • Yes, the Flop House Podcast just reviewed this movie a week ago. Let the record state we had no idea they were going to do that. We can prove it in a court of law.

Thursday, June 11, 2020

Podcast: Serenity (2019)

Your Stupid Minds enters the world of Baker Dill as part of its ad hoc Worst of 2019 series with the flop Serenity. Don’t worry nerds! We’re reviewing the other movie named Serenity that was a big flop. The one about fishing and step-dad revenge. Not Joss Whedon’s space opera.

Baker Dill (Matthew McConaughey) is an island fisherman trying to catch a giant tuna named Justice. His high school sweetheart Karen (Anne Hathaway) finds him and offers $10 million to kill her abusive husband Frank (Jason Clarke), and Dill is conflicted. This is all I can say without giving away the big twist.

Some Notes:
  • Available on Amazon Prime.
  • If you play a video game just to smash boxes, we don't judge you.
  • This episode is rated T for Teen.

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Podcast: Mr. Nanny (1993)

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In honor of our one-off mention of the scene where a man throws a dog in the ocean, Your Stupid Minds reviews Hulk Hogan’s Mr. Nanny!

Sean Armstrong (Hogan, credited as Terry “Hulk” Hogan, which is still not his real name) is a down-and-out wrestler whose manager Burt (Sherman Hemsley) gets him a job as a bodyguard. It turns out Armstrong will oversee two psychotic children for Alex Mason (Austin Pendleton), the CEO of a microchip company.

While the two children find various clever ways to try to kill their new bodyguard/nanny, the evil Tommy Thanatos (played by the News York Dolls’s David Johansen, who also wrote and performed the soundtrack) finds devious ways to get his hands on a cutting edge microchip Mason’s company is developing. Hijinks ensue.

Some Notes:

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Podcast: Streets of Rage (1994)

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Apropos of nothing, Your Stupid Minds reviews 1994's Streets of Rage, a vanity project written, produced, and starring wrestler Mimi Lesseos.

I couldn't find a proper trailer without a butt shot so here's a fan made thing.

Melody Sails (Lesseos) is a former special forces badass and aspiring journalist. After talking to some homeless children in the slums of Los Angeles, she uncovers a pattern of child murder which ties back to evil British pimp Lunar (Oliver Page). Melody also juggles three different men after her affections, and fends off other men in the form of random street goons by kicking and punching them.

Some Notes:

Friday, February 21, 2020

Podcast: Sniper: Special Ops (2016)

 Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds reviews Sniper: Special Ops based solely on its horrific Photoshop Frankenstein DVD cover. And Steven Seagal is in it.

Jake (Seagal) is a 65-year-old elite Army sniper on a mission in Afghanistan (which has geography that in no way resembles Southern California) to save a kidnapped congressman. The squad leader Vic (Tim Abell) is also present, along with Vasquez, (wrestler Rob Van Dam) and some other people. Jake shoots two dudes with the sniper rifle, then it breaks and he never uses it again. One squad member is shot in the spine and unable to evacuate via the Humvee, so Jake stays with him out of the goodness of his heart (and not because leaving would require him to descend a number of stairs).

After the mission, the movie shifts completely to a story about a broken truck and a women with her child. There is also a plucky Lois Lane-like reporter Janet (Charlene Amoia). These storylines eventually converge, sort of, and Seagal stays seated for most of the movie.

Featured Music:
Crossing the Chasm by Kevin MacLeod

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Podcast: The Fanatic (2019)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds enters 2020 with one of the worst of 2019: the John Travolta starring, Fred Durst directed movie out of time The Fanatic.

Moose (Travolta) is a Los Angeles resident obsessed with the past-his-prime action star Hunter Dunbar (Devon Sawa). He gets access to a premiere party only to discover he isn’t there. After multiple attempts to make contact, his friend Leah (Ana Golja) points him to an app that maps celebrities’ homes. He uses this opportunity to stalk Dunbar and do a bunch of other weird things.

Some Notes:
  • In an inexplicable scene that stops the movie cold, "The Truth," a 15 year old Limp Bizkit song that no one knows, is featured prominently.
  • Devon Sawa plays the celebrity at the center of a stalking. Sawa famously played the eponymous "Stan" in the Eminem music video.
  • "All in the Family" by Korn featuring Fred Durst is the worst song of all time.