Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Podcast: The Evil That Men Do (1984)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds “celebrates” to release of Eli Roth’s Death Wish with a review of... not a Death Wish movie. Rather, prime yourself with our Death Wish 3 review and dig in to a non-Cannon Charles Bronson classic: The Evil That Men Do.

Based on a not-so-good R. Lance Hill novel of the same name, Clement Molloch (Joseph Maher) is a war criminal and torture expert known as “The Doctor.” He contracts out himself to brutal dictatorships and enacts creative and gruesome ways to murder people. When he kills dissident journalist Jorge Hidalgo (Jorge Humberto Robles), ex-CIA assassin Holland (Charles Bronson) takes the case of revenge.

And, so you don’t miss it, here’s the infamous penis-twisting scene with Miguel Ángel Fuentes, a.k.a. Vadinho from The Pumaman:

Some Notes:
  • Great dummy work in this film.
  • #1 is pee pee. #2 is poo poo. #3 is knifing a guy in the throat and draining his body in the shower.
  • "Crack kills!" "It's actually not crack it's just cocai-UGHGHGH."
  • Directed by J. Lee Thompson (The Guns of Navarone, King Solomon's Mines, Cape Fear).

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Podcast: Fifty Shades Freed (2018)

Direct download.

A mere eleven months after our previous descent into erotic millionaires gallivant-ing around, we're back to the grindstone with our review of Fifty Shades Freed! Now that Ana has married hunky but troubled Christian, they're just gonna bone all day every day in their sex dungeon forever with no repercussions, right? But other handsome people have their own ideas! Smallville-alum Eric Johnson (Lana's meathead boyfriend) wants revenge on Christian and Ana! Because they ruined his career after he attempted sexual assault? No, a much dumber reason!

Join us as we get progressively madder at action-interrupting ski lodge visits, wonder at the very obvious storylines for G-list characters cut down to single lines, and struggle to keep track of who is who in a movie composed entirely of blandly attractive people with no interesting traits.

Notable Notes:
  • The Aspen Cottage Finally Pays Off! Nothing happens there, though!
  • These movies take place in a mythical movie universe where you're not allowed to consider not having a kid if you get pregnant
  • The book has achieved sentience

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

Podcast: Breakaway (1996)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its stunt casting double feature with the 1996 direct-to-video movie Breakaway, “starring” shamed figure skating star Tonya Harding. The sassy quotation marks are because she’s barely in the movie and her character serves almost no purpose.

Myra (Teri Fruichantie) is a mob courier who goes out on her last job. Her boss doesn’t like that very much and instructs his nephew Nicky (Michael Garganese) to kill her. She escapes, along with the $300,000 she retrieved, and pretends to be on a blind date with anthropology professor Dan (Tony Noakes) for no reason at all in order to escape. To finish the job, the mob boss hires a second hitman Grey (Joe Estevez) and everything goes wrong at once. There are also mobsters playing basketball in suits. And Tonya Harding kicks some guys.

Some Notes:
  • Chris insists there are clips from this movie during the Alamo Drafthouse pre-reel for I, Tonya.
  • The movie is referred to as The Breakaway on Tonya Harding's official website.
  • We're Team Dan.
  • The only legitimate means of acquiring this movie, as far as we can tell, is this $34.00 VHS copy on Amazon.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Podcast: Skyscraper (1996)

Your Stupid Minds presents a ‘90s stuntcasting double feature this month, starting with Skyscraper, which is Die Hard plus boobs plus helicopter and starring Anna Nicole Smith.

Carrie Wisk (Smith) is a helicopter pilot for Helescort (which sounds like a prostitute delivery service) and married to LAPD cop Gordon (Richard Steinmetz). When she delivers some evil dudes to a downtown high rise, she arrives in the middle of a deadly game of cat and mouse. They try to recover the last piece of a superweapon microchip, while she struggles to stay alive. There are also 2.5 sex scenes in this movie.

Some Notes:

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Podcast: 12 Dates of Christmas (2011)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds finishes out its Hallmark/Lifetime/ABC Family Christmas series and the year with ABC Family’s 12 Dates of Christmas starring Amy Smart and Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

Kate (Smart) is a single thirtysomething jerk who is trying to get back together with her ex-boyfriend during the holidays. While shopping for an expensive present for him, she is spritzed in the face with perfume by a careless clerk and knocked unconscious. She wakes up and goes on with her day, only to relive Christmas Eve over and over in a fashion that in no way resembles another famous movie where a jerk relives the same holiday over and over. Can she get back with her ex? Or will she find true love with her hunky widower park designer/youth orphan hockey coach blind date Miles (Gosselaar)? We think you already know the answer.

Some Notes:

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Podcast: The Spirit of Christmas (2015)

Direct download.

Special guests Valeah Beckwith and Danielle Nasr return to the podcast as we continue our Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas Movie series with the Lifetime/Netflix film The Spirit of Christmas.

Kate (Kati Salowsky) is a high-powered big city workaholic lawyer from Boston who has no interest finding true love. Her goateed boss instructs her to go to a cozy rural bed and breakfast in order to appraise it for sale. The property has problems selling because it’s haunted by a hunky ghost murdered 95 years ago. The ghost Daniel (Thomas Beaudoin) takes corporeal form for the twelve days leading up to Christmas in order to solve his own murder. But when he begins to fall for Kate, things begin to change.

Some Notes:
  • Chris was right. The Spirit of Christmas first premiered on Lifetime. It's now available on Netflix.
  • Only characters in this movie: Lawyer lady, hunky ghost, Sebastian Gorka boss, Silver Fox innkeeper, Silver Fox's love interest, some people from the past.
  • Technically, Thomas Edison and Edward Johnson invented Christmas lights in 1880. Whether they got to rural Massachusetts for public consumption by 1920 is another question.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Podcast: A Boyfriend for Christmas (2004)

Direct download.

It's the Holiday season, so Chris and Nick get into the spirit by crossing into the unexplored frontier that is.... Hallmark Christmas movies! That's right, a series of Christmas-time reviews from people who are absolutely not the demographic for them!

We begin with 2004's A Boyfriend for Christmas, where Holly (Kelli Williams of The Practice) makes the titular Christmas wish as a child to a creepy Santa (Charles Durning, frequent Santa). A mere 20 years later, Holly meets Ryan (Patrick Muldoon of Starship Troopers), a rich hotshot lawyer who lies about his identity and participates in Santa's twisted love scheme. Will Santa's Christmas prophecy come true? Will Holly wind up Ryan, or her sniveling evil ex-boyfriend (who is even richer than Ryan)?

  • Charles Durning's final role was in Bleeding Hearts, a horror film co-starring Dustin Diamond and Robert Loggia, that released more than two years after his death in 2012. He played Santa Claus.
  • ABFC is currently set to air at 4 AM on December 1, 2017, so set your TIVos to Hallmark if you want to enjoy our goofs.
  • Erica Gimpel (Coco from Fame) was on Season 1 of Veronica Mars, a show Nick has never watched. Here, she is the friend Holly drags to brunch, whose husband is never seen. David E. Kelley was (probably) so impressed with her performance in this TV movie that he cast her in a four episode arc of Boston Legal in 2006.