Thursday, March 26, 2015

Podcast: How I Saved the President (1996)

Your Stupid Minds continues its series on "children's movies no one has ever seen involving talking/hyper intelligent pets" with the somewhat Wishbone ripoff How I Saved the President (or The Undercover Kid). Precocious kid Max Anderson (Bradley Pierce) is in a stifling home environment, which he copes with by talking to his cat Nellie (Victoria Jackson) and Jack Russell Terrier Bo (played by Robert Knepper and Barkley the Dog, respectively).

When a foreign-sounding German Shepherd at the park tips them off about a presidential assassination plot, Max must use his four-legged friends to stop the terrorists! But first he must convince his oppressive dad and clueless mom that the plot is afoot, and he can indeed talk to animals. Join Chris, Nick, and special guest Nico Mesa on this bizarre family romp through high-stakes international intrigue.

Some Notes:
  • Per discussion, here are the hard and fast rules on which animals can talk.
    • Dogs and Cats (canon): Yes. Unless they're super dumb or have experienced some sort of life-altering trauma.
    • Crows (canon): Yes. But apparently if you call them smart they won't shut up.
    • Raccoons (canon): Yes but they're jerks.
    • Dolphins (non-canon): We assume.
    • Horses (non-canon): Yes, but only if there is peanut butter on the roofs of their mouths. And they can count by stamping their hooves.
    • Rats and Mice (non-canon): Maybe.
    • Bats (non-canon): Yes, but only in the Batman voice.
    • Chinchillas (non-canon): Yes (with an accent).
    • Spiders (non-canon): Yes, but only to pigs.
  • Some probably have noticed that Terrorist #1 is played by none other than Sven-Ole Thorsen, a.k.a. Secundus from Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe.
  • Nico has a new podcast coming out soon called Whiskey Flicks, about movies and drinking. Keep on eye on the Facebook page for its release.
Direct download.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Podcast: I Am Here.... Now (2009)

After a month of reviewing big budget sequels starring some of our favorite actors, we at Your Stupid Minds decided to scale back to a nice zero-budget drama written, directed, and starring one of our favorite auteurs. Yes, we return to Neil Breen, the writer/director/producer/star/visionary behind Fateful Findings, one of our favorite movies of last year (yes, we know it technically came out in 2013). This time, it’s I Am Here.... Now, a morality play about a godlike alien being as he hassles a handful of drug dealers and corrupt politicians as he decides whether the human race should be eradicated. He also befriends an old man with cancer and a young environmental activist/escort. Will Neil Breen and his weird robot body and zombie face kill us all? There’s only one way to find out!

Some Notes:
  • Every actress in this film appears to be wearing the same uniform: denim skirt, buttoned shirt with spaghetti straps, no bra.
  • Breen clearly forces his actors to stick to the script as written, forcing them to deliver lines like “Cancer-Chemo kicked my ass” without even a hint of irony.
  • When “The Being” first says he’s “disappointed in our species,” he appears to be looking at a skull and a spider on the ground. He clarifies, “the human species,” so I guess spiders are doing an okay job.
  • Every scene appears to take place between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., making it impossible to tell how much time passes in this story. Is it a crazy weekend or months?
  • If you go to 36:22 as suggested, it begins at a pool with the topless "twins," followed by a shot of a clay lawn decoration, then back to the topless women.
  • The film is currently not available for sale, which is a shame, because we want to pay money for it.
Direct download.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Podcast: The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

It’s our follow-up to “Academy Award nominees appearing in cash-grab sequels,” as we follow Batman Returns with The Lost World: Jurassic Park, featuring Academy Award nominee Julianne Moore!

Several years after the events of the first film, the almost unrecognizable Dr. Ian Malcolm heads to a second, "lost" island where the dinosaurs have flourished in isolation to find Sarah (Moore), his dino expert girlfriend. For no reason, his 12-13 year old daughter tags along. But the environmental observation is ruined when a team of EVIL poachers appear, ready to embark on a plan fifty times dumber and more irresponsible than Jurassic Park's "clone dinosaurs and then make people buy plane tickets to come and see the dinosaurs."

Featuring an all-star supporting cast (Vince Vaughn, Pete Postlethwaite, Peter Stormare) and one of the best action directors ever, the film still manages to be pretty terrible, thanks largely to a script that makes characters actively sabotage their own survival for little to no reason and behave in incredibly dumb ways whenever the script demands.

Some Notes:
  • We go on several rants this episode, but this film is so full of things that make no sense there's a few we didn't even get to, such as: Why did the scientists even make raptors or Compsognathus ("little turkey dinosaurs")? Just make glamour dinos! Triceratops, Stegosaurus, T-Rex, etc. Especially don’t make a bunch of carnivorous dinosaurs nobody wants to see!
  • Another thing, how does this small island support so many dinosaurs? While we don’t know exactly how many calories a T-Rex or a raptor need to survive, chances are it's a lot, and once the island's native monkey population is gone, and dumb mercenaries have all been eaten, how will they survive? How will the herbivores survive once they strip the bark off all the trees and don’t have anywhere to migrate?
  • There is a lot of talk about pooping and/or peeing in this episode. We consider this the movie's fault.
Direct download.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Podcast: Batman Returns (1992)

Your Stupid Minds returns to the well of goofy comic book movies; this time, it's that movie that you never think about but remember being sort of good: Batman Returns! It's the Ghostbusters 2 of a new generation! It's also the return of academy award favorite Michael Keaton to the podcast. Was his performance in Birdman better than Jack Frost? You tell us!

Join Chris, Nick, and returning guest Vincent Goodwin as we address the wall-to-wall strange choices that helped propel Batman Returns to the #3 spot of the 1992 box office (oh wait, it completely coasted on the success of Batman, the #1 film of 1989)! Together, we answer the tough questions like: what happens in this movie? Who is the main character? Why does the Penguin act the way he does? What is Penguin's plan? What is Catwoman's plan? How many press conferences can one mayor throw in the same plaza? Why isn't Gotham constantly dealing with recall elections?

Some Notes:
  • Batman appears, briefly, thirteen minutes into this movie, only to disappear for another twenty minutes.
  • The entire film is Tim Burton at his Tim Burton-iest. The entire film takes place in the lead-up to Christmas, Burton veterans Paul Reubens, Diane Salinger, and Michael Keaton appear in cameos, Danny Elfman provides the score, and a dead man is lowered into a body of water by his weird-ass friends. The only things missing are Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
  • Elements of the Penguin's (stupid) design were incorporated into Batman: the Animated Series, and as a result, he was one of the lamer villains on the show.
  • Vince somehow finds the time to be in several other podcasts, including: All My Friends Are Right Here, a roundtable pop culture debate show, and Tuesday Morning Pod, an SNL review podcast. Here's his blog.
  • Also, if you're somehow not sick of Chris talking about movies, he's a special guest on Cinema Excelsior, a podcast dedicated to chronologically reviewing every Marvel movie (although they skipped Generation X).
Direct download.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Podcast: Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? (2014)

Your Stupid Minds finally finishes the epic Ayn Rand film trilogy with our podcast review of Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? Two box office bombs weren’t going to stop the producers of Atlas Shrugged, so after a Kickstarter campaign and a second complete recast, the series is finally complete. Hear our reviews of Part I and Part II for a more holistic experience.

After Dagny Taggart (Laura Regan) crashes her plane while searching for Galt’s Gulch, she finally finds John Galt himself (Kristoffer Polanha) a hunky libertarian who seduces Dagny with longwinded speeches about self-sufficiency. After a guided tour of the Gulch which mostly takes place in Galt’s arms, Dagny is still hesitant to participate in their collective temper tantrum and returns to the rail company, which is on the verge of nationalization. Will she save the railroad? Will her and Galt get it on? Will there be muted political discussions amongst rich jerks drinking wine? Find out!

Some Notes:
  • Which Ayn Rand names are real and which did we make up? Waldorf Quagmire, Liggett Numa, Cuffy Meigs, Ragnar Danneskj√∂ld, Mugwort Wiffinsgale, Francisco d'Anconia, Shumbert Famingo, Turlington Heifer, Clem Weatherby, Pladgett Slurm, and Midas Mulligan. The answers may surprise you!
  • Featuring powerhouse performances from Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Ron Paul!
  • Learn more about the iron maiden and other fascinating torture devices.
Direct download.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Podcast: Thunderstruck (2012)

Happy New Year from Your Stupid Minds! We start off the new year right with a return to Slam Dunk Fun! This time we have Freaky Friday meets Like Mike meets that part in Space Jam when all the superstars lose their basketball abilities: 2012’s Thunderstruck starring NBA all-star Kevin Durant!

A 16 year old basketball fan (who acts 10) is comically terrible at basketball, and after an exchange with Durant at an Oklahoma City Thunder game, is magically imbued with his amazing basketball skills! The high school basketball coach (played by “sleepy bear” Jim Belushi) lets him on the team and performs amazingly. At the same time, Durant is horrible and his agent Alan (Brandon T. Jackson) figures out very quickly that it’s because of this gypsy curse.

Some Notes:
  • Special thanks to YSM fan Brianne for the recommendation (and we hope your team does this or next season).
  • Apologies to our fans named Connor.
  • Apologies to Peyton Manning and his giant head.
  • Apologies to our fans for planting the image of a nude Jim Belushi dressed as Yogi Bear.
Direct download.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Podcast: Dangerously Close (1986)

Your Stupid Minds returns from a brief hiatus to provide yet another Cannon Group/Golan-Globus movie, this time riding the coattails of the sensational news story of the Legion of Doom vigilante group at R.L. Paschal High School in Fort Worth. Dangerously Close was the low-budget theatrical version released one week before the made-for-TV movie of the same subject, The Brotherhood of Justice, starring future heartthrobs Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland, Lori Loughlin, and Billy Zane. Dangerously Close stars no one, unless you count John Stockwell (future director of In the Blood), and Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister.

At a high school presumably in Southern California, a student organization called “The Sentinels” cleans up the school through education, regular hallway patrols, and targeting people they don’t like and pretending to murder them. When one of their victims ends up actually murdered, high school newspaper editor and goody-two-shoes Danny (J. Eddie Peck) investigates. When Danny’s pudgy annoying punk friend Krooger (Bradford Bancroft) goes missing, Danny decides to expose The Sentinels for the murderous terrorist organization it truly is.

Some Notes:
  • Up until a few days ago, Dangerously Close was available in full on YouTube. It was recently removed for copyright reasons, presumably so the defunct Cannon Group can finally give it a DVD release. So as it stands now, I have no idea how to watch it, unless you want to peruse the VHS bins of your local video store.
  • Vince McMahon storming into the World Wildlife Fund's offices.
Direct download.