Thursday, March 25, 2021

Podcast: Dolittle (2020)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds ends its two-movie cyborg series and jumps in to our tried and true “Worst of the Previous Year” mainstay. 2020 didn’t have a huge number of films to choose from, but luckily the first three months of the year, where the stinkiest movies usually reside, were relatively pandemic free. In January, Universal unceremoniously dumped Dolittle into theaters with little fanfare, and the shark critics (who can talk) swarmed on its carcass.


Dr. John Dolittle (Robert Downey Jr.) is a doctor who can talk to animals. He also has a dead wife, so like all movies released in the last decade, he is stricken with grief, trauma, and depression. Lady Rose (Carmel Laniado) comes to him to say Queen Victoria (Jessie Buckley) is sick and needs his expertise of talking to animals to cure her. Also, the lifelong lease for this properly is tied to the queen’s life and not his own for some reason.

Dolittle must sail to some place to get a book to go to another place to find the fruit of the Eden Tree to save the queen. He brings along his menagerie of CGI animals with unremarkable celebrity voices, including Emma Thompson as a parrot, Rami Malek as a gorilla, Kumail Nanjiani as an ostrich, John Cena as a polar bear, and so on. There’s also a kid named Stubbins (Harry Collett as a Tom Holland type, though Holland is also in the movie voicing a dog) who tags along, and Dolittle is chased by the villain Dr. Blair Müdfly (Michael Sheen). And a whale shows up at some point. And a dragon poops out some bagpipes.

Some Notes:

  • We don't understand voles and voles don't understand us.
  • Written and directed by Stephen Gaghan for some reason. He's is known for writing Traffic and writing and directing Syriana.
  • If you're going to have a dragon poop out some bagpipes, there should at least be some poop on the bagpipes.

Thursday, February 25, 2021

Podcast: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow (1993)

Direct download.

Listen on Apple Podcasts

We continue our ad hoc mini cyborg series with a sequel to an Albert Pyun movie but not directed by Pyun: Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow.


Cash (a 17 year old Angelina Jolie in her first starring role) is a top-of-the-line cyborg created to seduce her company’s competitors and blow them up. Her and her karate instructor Colton Ricks (Elias Koteas) have a good rapport, but a mysterious mouth named Mercy (Jack Palance) connect with both of them on every available CRT television nearby.

Mercy helps them both escape and they’re on the run from competing cyborg hunters Chen (Karen Sheperd) and the unhinged Danny Bench (Billy Drago). They eventually find themselves at an outpost Fallout-style town where Colt must fight in a death match for the money to escape.

Trivia:

  • Trigger Warning: 17 year old Angelina Jolie has an elaborate softcore sex scene in this. Jon Voight had her legally emancipated in order to do this movie and not have to be there to watch all the icky sex scenes (what a great dad!).
  • If you want to throw up just like Angelina Jolie did after watching Cyborg 2, just read some of the wonderful IMDb user created trivia for this movie.
  • Available to rent on Amazon Prime. Unless you want to do a trial of MovieSphere (whatever that is). Then it's free, or whatever.

Thursday, January 28, 2021

Podcast: Nemesis (1992)



Listen on Apple Podcasts
In a vague gesture toward Cyberpunk 2077, that game people used to complain about a month ago, Your Stupid Minds dips into Amazon Prime's vast archive of schlock and found 1992's Nemesis, directed by YSM mainstay Albert Pyun (Dangerously Close, Captain America).

Alex (Olivier Gruner, a Jean-Claude Van Damme type) is an LAPD cop with cyborg enhancements. He is tasked with finding his former partner and lover Jared (Marjorie Monaghan), who has gone rogue and allied with cyborg terrorists... or has she? He goes on his mission after a bomb is implanted into his heart without his consent.

Alex comes across various players in this confusing scenario, including cyborg babes, gang leader Angie-Liv (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa), a Lori Petty type named Max Impact (Merle Kennedy), his boss Farnsworth, a Mike Pence type (Tim Thomerson), and Billy, a Thomas Jane type (Thomas Jane). There are a bunch of shoot outs and some cyber eyeball gore. I think a Terminator attacks their helicopter. Some other cool stuff happens

Some Notes:

  • Available on Amazon Prime.
  • As previously mentioned, Thomas Jane has a small role as a naked sweaty smoking guy who almost immediately gets murdered.

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Podcast: The Knight Before Christmas (2019)

 
Direct download.
Listen on Apple Podcasts

Legend has it every three years, Danielle and Valeah will return to Your Stupid Minds to review a middling Christmas movie. That legend has been fulfilled for Netflix’s The Knight Before Christmas, starring Vanessa Hudgens and some British guy. Featuring special guests, as previously mentioned, Valeah and Danielle.

Brooke (Hudgens) is a schoolteacher in small town Ohio who recently suffered a mild breakup that hasn’t really affected her at all, is ambivalent but not hostile toward Christmas, and has dead parents that are barely mentioned. When she hits a mentally unwell person with her car, she decides to take him home to her mansion and let him stay in her 1,500 square foot guest house. Never mind the man (Josh Whitehouse) is wearing full knight regalia, goes by “Sir Cole” (or “Circle” if you say it fast enough) and talks like a RenFest role-player. He’s cute.

As it turns out, Circle is actually a medieval knight, transported to the pre-COVID 21st century by an old crone in the woods to fulfill his quest of becoming a true knight. What is that quest? The crone isn’t clear. Hopefully it involves learning to drive a car, catching and eating a skunk, called Mrs. Claus an old crone, or putting an Amazon Echo into a freezer, because that’s what he does.

Wife guy Santa.

Some Notes:

  • Available on Netflix.
  • As Valeah points out, when Sir Cole (Circle) comes to the future present, four girls take a selfie with him. The establishing shot clearly shows two girls on each side of Cole, but on the phone screen it shows four girls on one side. I hope someone was fired for that blunder.
  • Listen to Danielle and Valeah on previous YSM episodes for D.E.B.S. and The Spirit of Christmas.

Thursday, November 19, 2020

Podcast: Money Plane (2020)


Direct download.

“BRING ME. MY. MONEY PLANE. REVIEW!”
-Darius Emmanuel Grouch the Third (better known as “The Rumble”)

We finally got around to reviewing Money Plane. What is Money Plane, you ask? A 2020 movie about a plane. With money on it. Well, not really. Cryptocurrency. Which I guess can be considered money. And you bet on snuff films. Or something. And you rob it. Rob the Money Plane.

Jack Reese (former wrestler Adam “Edge” Copeland) is a thief with $40 million in gambling debts. When his crew is set up during an art heist, aforementioned criminal boss “The Rumble” (Kelsey Grammer) buys his debt and makes him rob a billion dollars in cryptocurrency from a flying casino. Which cryptocurrencies? Let your imagination decide that.


His crew, consisting of karate lady Isabella (Katrina Norman), hacker Trey (Patrick Lamont, Jr.), and not-as-good hacker Iggy (Andrew Lawrence), concoct a plan to rob the Money Plane, and then it mostly goes as planned. Also Jack’s friend Harry (Thomas Jane) is around to fly a drone in case things go south.

Thursday, October 29, 2020

Podcast: City of the Living Dead (1980)

Direct download.

A halloween spooktacular so good you’ll puke your guts out! It’s Lucio Fulci’s 1980 movie City of the Living Dead!

A New England priest (Fabrizio Jovine) hangs himself in order to open a portal to hell and unleash an army of the undead. Mary (Catriona MacColl) discovers his plot during a New York seance and travels with a reporter (Christopher George) to stop the zombie horde on All Saint’s Day through… means.

Meanwhile, the denizens of Dunwich, Massachusetts notice strange happenings in the town, including, but not limited to, earthquakes, make out hauntings, 30% of the population dying of fright (according to the coroner), skull smashings, organ pukings, and a perverted gas station attendant with a blow up doll.

Some Notes:

  • Available on Amazon Prime.
  • Nick erroneously states that Fulci probably put "100 pounds of maggots into a snowblower" to do the maggot storm scene. It was actually 20 pounds. He regrets the error.
  • Reportedly, the original ending shot was destroyed, which is why the ending on the film sucks beans.

Thursday, September 24, 2020

Podcast: Cats (2019)


We're sealing up our loosey-goosey Worst of 2019 series with the most notorious big budget movie of the year: Cats! Featuring special guest Sarah Richard (née Dobson).



Victoria (Francesca Hayward) is a cat abandoned by her owners on the mean streets of Cat London. There she meets up with a musical bunch of Jellicle cats who show her the ropes of what it means to be Jellicle. They all sing their silly songs as proof that they are the Jellicle Choice™.

Meanwhile, the evil cat Macavity (Idris Elba), kidnaps all the Jellicles using magic and sends them to a boat on the Thames in order to secure his spot as the Jellicle Choice™ to go to the Heaviside Layer.

That's the plot.

Rebel Wilson eats a humanoid cockroach at some point.