Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Podcast: Stone Cold (1991)

Your Stupid Minds goes back to its roots (once again) with the first foray into Hollywood(ish) by former football washout Brian “The Boz” Bosworth: 1991’s Stone Cold! The Boz plays undercover cop Joe Huff (under the alter ego John Stone) to infiltrate a murderous, terroristic biker group led by Chains Cooper (Lance Henriksen).

After some mild blackmail from the FBI, Huff/Stone goes undercover to bring a violent Mississippi biker gang down. After feeding his pet lizard (maybe a Komodo Dragon?), he heads off to The South’s Warmest Welcome to meet Chains, second-in-command Ice (William Forsythe), old lady Nancy (Arabella Holzbog), and token wuss Gut (Evan James) to bring down their drug dealing and general violence. Stone gets in deep when he gets feelings for Nancy, and makes up some elaborate drug buy with a limitless supply of FBI drugs.

Can Stone bring the gang down before their terroristic plans from to fruition? Will he get home in time to feed his lizard? Will Gut get the confidence he so sorely needs? Listen to find out!

Some Notes:
  • What underwear do bikers wear (if any)? If you're a biker, please let us know.
  • RIP Gut (spoiler alert).
  • Filmed in Mississippi, Alabama, Arkansas, and Florida.
  • I said it in the podcast and I'll say it again, they should have made a Duke Nukem movie in the '90s with The Boz.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Podcast: Dr. Strange (1978)

Your Stupid Minds returns to its Episode One roots and tricks you once again into think we’ve reviewed a Marvel movie that hasn’t come out yet. But alas, this isn’t the Benestrange Cumberdoc version you’re thinking, but rather a made for TV movie extended pilot made for CBS (and was never picked up), 1978's Dr. Strange!

The Nameless One, a demon puppet from the nether region, commands his subject Morgan LeFay (played by Arrested Development’s Jessica Walter) to kill the wizard Lindmer (John Mills) and/or his more powerful successor Dr. Strange (Peter Hooten). Fortunately for her, Strange doesn’t know the depths of his mystical powers, and spends his time picking up mentally unstable woman as a psychologist at a New York hospital. Despite the three day countdown to sudden death, Lindmer and his assistant Wong (Clyde Kusatsu) take their sweet time recruiting Strange.

Will Dr. Strange discover his special powers? Will he pick up a troubled psychology student half his age (Anne-Marie Martin)? Could 2016’s Doctor Strange possibly live up to this masterpiece? There’s only one way to find out!

Some Notes:
  • At some point in the comics Dr. Strange's girlfriend Clea Lake dates Benjamin Franklin. We pondered what a young Ben Franklin might look like. I couldn't find a credible picture, but I did find this.
  • Part of the 70s Superheroes Wearing Slacks collection.
  • See this film's sadly needlessly thorough Wikipedia page.
  • Stan Lee blames Dr. Strange's timeslot up against Roots as the reason it failed. While partially true, this movie is also really boring.
  • For the most internety and fascinating blog dedicated to Doctor Strange, see Sanctum Sanctorum Comix.
  • Available today on DVD.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Podcast: Poltergeist III (1988)

Your Stupid Minds delves into October with what you might expect: a 1980s horror sequel! Tom Skerritt (Picket Fences), Nancy Allen (RoboCop), Heather O’Rourke (Poltergeist), and Lara Flynn Boyle (Twin Peaks) star in this far-beyond-its-prime sequel, Poltergeist III!

Carol Anne (O’Rourke) from the previous Poltergeist movies now lives with her aunt (Allen) and step-uncle (Skerritt) in a high-rise building in Chicago. She attends a school for weirdoes because of her previous ghost experiences, and after her cousin Donna’s (Boyle) night of teenage debauchery, she’s kidnapped by ghosts. Her aunt and uncle try desperately to rescue her with the help from Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein, returning from the first movie) and the film jumps haphazardly from mirror-induced jump scare to jump scare.

Some Notes:

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Podcast: Hercules (1983)

Direct download.

Your Stupid Minds returns to two of its most favorite loves: buff dudes and Golan-Globus films. It’s 1983’s Hercules starring The Incredible Hulk’s Lou Ferrigno! Director Luigi Cozzi (hiding his intense Italianness behind the pseudonym Lewis Coates) brings Hercules to the big screen for the 80th and definitely not last time.

When the gods are hanging out on the moon and incredibly bored, Zeus (Claudio Cassinelli) decides to give a random baby super buff powers. Hera (Rossana PodestĂ ) takes exception but Zeus never listens to her so who cares? Hercules’s parents are killed in a successful coup, but baby Herc escapes and is raised by a nice infertile farming couple.

Tragedy causes him to travel to Thebes to fight against other buff dudes, and he must team up with Circe (Mirella D’Angelo) in order to rescue his true love Cassiopeia (Ingrid Anderson) and battle against the evil King Minos (William Berger) and Adriana (Sybil Danning). That’s a lot of names so let’s just leave it at that.

Some Notes:
  • Who's buffer? Lou Ferrigno or Dolph Lundgren?
  • Sybil Danning also appears in Caged Heat.
  • Yes, Lou Ferrigno does throw a guy in a cheap bear suit into space.
  • Available to rent on Amazon Prime, but with the Steve Reeves poster and inexplicably labeled as released in 2009.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Podcast: The Boy Next Door (2015)

Direct download.

YSM returns to the erotic thriller genre with the 2015 classic The Boy Next Door! Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez, in her third appearance on the podcast), is a pathetic high school classics teacher with a broken garage door and a cheating ex-husband when a buff-armed 28-year-old "boy" Noah (Ryan Guzman, apparently playing a 19-year-old) moves in next door.

The two bond over their mutual love of the Iliad and he fixes both her car and garage door. They then engage in a night of "passion" after Noah refuses to take no for an answer. Then Noah is revealed to be a sociopath who is willing to murder Claire's ex-husband (John Corbett) and mid-level high school administrators (Kristin Chenoweth) if it means "winning" Claire back.

Some Notes:
  • We make up some convincing IMDb trivia during this episode, but forget to mention that Ryan Guzman (probably) got into character by watching James Franco in the Spider-Man movies via YouTube.
  • Screenwriter Barbara Curry, a former criminal attorney, has admitted that the infamous "first edition of the Iliad" scene was not in her script.
  • Somewhat impossibly, this movie only passes the Bechdel test when baby Katherine Heigl (Lexi Atkins)'s character Allie tells Claire the sink in the girl's room is clogged (it was intentionally clogged by a man of course as part of an elaborate scheme). All of Kristin Chenoweth's conversations with her best friend are about Claire's ex-husband, her blind date, and the Boy Next Door (BND).
  • Nick challenged Chris to come up with movies not counting The Cell where Jennifer Lopez really acts. Chris refers generally to her more ambitious projects, but if you want to see Jennifer Lopez not playing a Maid who commutes to Manhattan, check out Blood and Wine, Angel Eyes, and of course, Anaconda.
  • Featuring a rare appearance of Chekhov's barn, where barn scenes bookend the project.
  • This is basically a Lifetime movie but with better-looking leads, up to and including being done a brisk 90 minutes.
The Iliad Scene:

Monday, September 5, 2016

Podcast: T-Force (1994)

Direct Download.

Your Stupid Minds goes back to basics with your standard sci-fi sexy police robot thriller. It’s 1994’s T-Force starring Jack Scalia, Erin Gray, and Vernon Wells. This is brought to you partially by Cinema TerriblĂ©, Austin Texas’s premier bad movie meet up. T-Force was part of a recent double feature at the monthly get together and a smash hit.

T-Force, a team of autonomous robots called “Cybernauts,” is brought in to break up a Die Hard style hostage situation. The team is made up of leader Adam (Evan Lurie), Captain America type Cain (Bobby Johnston), lady robot Mandragora (Jennifer MacDonald), American Gladiator Zeus (Deron McBee), and another one who dies.

Adam callously murders numerous hostages in the process and Mayor Pendleton (Gray) orders the team deactivated. This results in T-Force’s murderous killing spree in the name of self preservation. Cain doesn’t go along with Adam’s dastardly plan and teams up with Lt. Jack Floyd (Scalia) to stop them.

Some Notes:
  • See Zeus a.k.a. Deron McBee a.k.a. Malibu on American Gladiators and Married... With Children.
  • Jack Scalia has maintained a relatively active career throughout the years, with significant roles in Dallas, Remington Steele, All My Children, and Red Eye.
  • Lady robot Jennifer MacDonald is perhaps best known to 90's kids as Lt. "Flint" Peters, a character your Mark Hamill avatar can romance in Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger, a game with a bigger cast than the 1999 movie we reviewed.
  • Fun fact: The "T" stands for "Terminal."

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Podcast: Carpool (1996)

It’s a special guest episode of Your Stupid Minds featuring Kaitlyn “Nick’s Sister” Nobel, a devoted fan of the podcast and resident Toyota Previa expert. Kaitlyn’s pick this time around is for a 1996 movie starring Tom Arnold, David Paymer, and Rhea Perlman: Carpool! Out a few years after Tom Arnold’s massive alimony payout from Rosanne, as well as his modicum of success in True Lies, Arnold decided to squander his career by starring in a bunch of crappy movies.

Daniel Miller (Paymer) has a big advertising presentation, but his wife is sick! This means he must take charge of the carpool and get his wiener kids (as well as some other neighbor wiener kids, including an extremely young, bronzed Rachael Leigh Cook) to school. Things take a turn for the worst when he’s kidnapped by bumbling robber Franklin (Arnold) on the run from an army of incompetent law enforcement agents. Their journey takes them to a hair salon, parking garage, and inside a local mall!

Can Detective Erdman (Kim Coates) and meter maid Martha (Perlman) stop the robber in time? Can we somehow get Tom Arnold in drag? Will the kids visit a creepy Joker-like indoor carnival? Listen to find out!

Some Notes:
  • Despite the trailer's straightforward narrative, this is actually a very confusing film.
  • The film takes place in Puget Sound but was shot in British Columbia. As a result, one of David Paymer's kids is Canadian while the other is not.
  • Chris gives a convincing legal defense as to why Franklin wouldn't (and possibly shouldn't) serve jail time for his alleged crimes.