Podcast: The Prince and the Surfer (1999)

We continue through Chris's second hand DVD collection with another film that, unbelievably, also has no direct involvement with Roger Corman. It's 1999's The Prince and the Surfer, which barely involves any surfing at all.

Cash Canty (Sean Kellman) is a, and I cannot stress this enough, SKATEBOARD (not surfer) kid who spends his days as Southern California teenagers in films like this typically do: hanging out by the half pipe, saying "whatever" to his friends, not going to school. But after breaking into a swanky hotel, he finds a young prince of the made up country of Gelfland is his exact double! To adhere to the Twain plot, they switch places and then do... stuff.

Prince Edward (also Kellman) hangs out with Cash's friends, including the pigtailed Mel (Linda Cardellini). Meanwhile Cash goes about seducing Edward's betrothed Galina (Katie Johnson). But the queen's evil vizier Kratski (Robert Englund) has ulterior motives for the visit to the United States. He wants to sell Gelfland to a mini-golf empire and turn it into Golfland.

Also, Cash's dad Johnny (Timothy Bottoms, who is uncredited because they forgot to credit him) falls in love with Queen Albertina (Jennifer O'Neill). It's all very Shakespearean, except nothing really happens at the end and instead of a mass wedding we get a rushed epilogue read by some surfer dude to try to convince us this movie had anything to do with surfing.

And for whatever reason, in the Tubi version Jon Voight appears in a poorly mic'd intro where he says he wants to see more modern Mark Train adaptations because he is a "concerned father." Lol.

Podcast: The Skateboard Kid (1993)

In honor of the late great Roger Corman, Your Stupid Minds covers this incoherent Corman-produced family film The Skateboard Kid, starring Timothy Busfield, Bess Armstrong, and Dom DeLuise. And yes, the skateboard can talk.

Widower Frank (Busfield) and his skateboard kid Zack (Trevor Lissauer) move to Southern California where they are both turbo-bullied by a group of skateboard punks in the middle of the highway. After Zack’s skateboard gets smashed, he gets a new old one from an antique shop run by widow Maggie (Armstrong). Zack puts a lawnmower engine on it for some reason and then it’s struck by lightning and gains sentience and a horrifying claymation face. The skateboard, Rip (DeLuise) wisecracks and has magical powers, but is somehow the third most important thing going on in this movie.

The rest has something to do with an adult love triangle between Frank, Maggie and local car dealer Big Dan (Cliff De Young) who is trying to trick Maggie into marrying him because he’s a scumbag, he wants to own her crappy antique shop, AND there’s apparently buried treasure somewhere on the property he wants to steal. More hijinks ensue. One of the kids has the tiniest four wheeler in the world. Also there's a dog on the poster who's nowhere to be seen.

Podcast: Return to Oz (1985)

Your Stupid Minds whisks you away to a magical fantasy land based on the L. Frank Baum novels that no one has read in the last 100 years. It's Disney's reimagined 1985 sequel Return to Oz!

In an effort to reinvigorate its flailing film releases, Disney bought the rights to the Wizard of Oz book series with the intention of revitalizing the franchise. One small issue though: the books are very dissimilar to MGM’s beloved The Wizard of Oz from 1939. No worries, the bones are still there: the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Tin Woodsman. Oh, they’re barely in the sequels? Who are these guys? Gump? Jack Pumpkinhead? Tik-Tok? Also where are the ruby slippers? They’re silver? We have to pay MGM royalties to use the ruby ones? Oh dear.

Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) won’t shut up to Aunt Em (Piper Laurie) about this magical land of Oz where she murdered two witches and saved the Emerald City and all its diminutive residents. So naturally Aunt Em sends her off to a quack psychoanalyst who plans to electroshock this 10-year-old until she stops using her imagination.

She escapes the sanitarium and returns to Oz, teaming up with a talking chicken Billina (Denise Bryer), a robotic soldier Tik-Tok (Sean Barrett), Jack Pumpkinhead (Brian Henson) who is, let’s face it, just the Scarecrow, and Gump (Stephen Norrington) a talking moose head strapped to a flying couch.

Dorothy is determined to save the Scarecrow from the evil Nome King, and must solve a series of puzzles and challenges that were probably more interesting when they were in a children’s book. Come along with us on our flying Davenport on this wild adventure!

Podcast: The Care Bears Movie (1985)

To complement Barbie’s wild success at the box office, Your Stupid Minds reviews a different toy tin-in movie, but a bad one! It’s 1985’s The Care Bears Movie!

A man who runs an orphanage, Mr. Cherrywood (Mickey Rooney), tells his orphans a story about two other orphans who learn the value of friendship or caring or not listening to an evil book, or something. Jason (Sunny Besen Thrasher) and Kim (Cree Summer) are befriended by the Care Bears, some cutesy little creatures who live in the sky city of Care-a-Lot.

However, a neglected and bullied magician’s assistant Nicholas (Hadley Kay) finds an evil book who convinces him to cast evil spells to get children to stop caring. Can the Care Bears save Nicholas? Will they befriend a new group of equally toyetic animals? Do the Care Bears have a boat? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Podcast: Pinocchio (2022)

Here we go again! Your Stupid Minds covers another much maligned Pinocchio movie, this time the 2022 Pinocchio directed by Robert Zemeckis and instantly dumped on Disney+.

Geppetto (Tom Hanks) is a sad old man who makes a wooden boy named, you guessed it, Pinocchio (Benjamin Evan Ainsworth). Jiminy Cricket (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is there, there’s the fox and the cat, Pleasure Island, Luke Evans appears, there’s a whale. You’ve seen the 1940 Pinocchio. You know the deal.

Added to this one: a puppet love interest, some forgettable songs, some lines about “influencers” for the Zoomers, and lots of opportunities for 3D things that you’ll probably never see since this never went to theaters. Lorraine Bracco is a seagull.

Podcast: Pinocchio (2002)

It’s Pinocchio season! With a new adaptation of the classic tale burning up awards and another… not, we decided to cover the baffling and much maligned Roberto Benigni Pinocchio from 2002!

Geppetto (Carlo Giuffré) is a sad old man who makes a son out of wood. That boy comes to life as a middle aged Italian man (Benigni) and immediately gets into lots of hijinks. He’s unruly, hyperactive, doesn’t want to go to school, and loves candy. He leaves for weeks at a time to go on adventures where he’s swindled, imprisoned, caught in a bear trap, or turned into a donkey. But the Blue Fairy (Nicoletta Braschi) teaches him how to be less horrible and he becomes a real boy/full grown man.

What makes this even more baffling is the atrociously mismatched English dub, featuring Breckin Meyer, Glenn Close, Eric Idle, John Cleese, Kevin James, Eddie Griffin, Cheech Marin, Topher Grace, Queen Latifah, Regis Philbin, and Jim Belushi.

Podcast: A Kid in King Arthur's Court (1995)

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This time, Your Stupid Minds reviews a forgettable 90s family movie that is available on Disney+, 1995’s A Kid in King Arthur’s Court. A kid travels back in time (or to an alternate universe where King Arthur actually existed) to 6th century England to show medieval people the wonders of Rollerblades and portable CD players.

Click to watch the trailer, since Disney has locked this shit down and you can't embed the trailer.

Calvin (Thomas Ian Nicholas) falls through a crack in the earth after sucking at a baseball game and finds himself in Camelot. He spends most of his time in this extremely strange situation trying to court King Arthur’s (Joss Ackland) daughter Princess Katey (Paloma Baeza). But also an evil Lord Belasco (Art Malik) has a nefarious plot to marry the king’s other daughter Sarah (Kate Winslet), even though she’s in love with the jousting instructor Master Kane (Daniel Craig). Calvin defeats the bad guy mostly though 90s catchphrases and gadgets.

Podcast: Artemis Fowl (2020)

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Your Stupid Minds returns to its alternating YA theme with a book adaptation that Miramax and Disney had big hopes for, and then was dumped on Disney+ in the middle of the pandemic without so much as a $20 premium to watch it. It's 2020's Artemis Fowl, directed by Sir Kenneth Branagh.

Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw) is a super smart smarmy super genius whose mom is dead and dad (Artemis Fowl I, played by Colin Farrell) keeps leaving for long stretches of time for strange and sexy adventures. But one of dad's adventures puts him in hot water with a mysterious fairy (who looks like Ronan the Accuser) who kidnaps the dad and demands Artemis II give them the Aculos, an egg-shaped MacGuffin that has a bunch of power and stuff. Can Artemis save his dad? Using an elaborate heist-like plan and high charisma buff? Yeah.

Some Notes:

• The plot to this movie veers wildly from the original book. In the novel, Artemis holds a fairy for random, demanding a ton of leprechaun gold. Then, almost as an afterthought, he pays half the gold to his captive to cure his mom's insanity.
• Way too much gravely voice in this one.
• Available on Disney+.

Podcast: Milk Money (1994)

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Your Stupid Minds dips into a movie too tawdry for children and too stupid for adults: 1994’s Milk Money.

A trio of 11-year-old boys saves up to purchase the services of a sex worker so they can see her naked (which is probably what they think sex is). When V (Melanie Griffith), a prostitute in the big city, agrees, circumstances bring her to their bucolic suburb where she lives in one of the boys’ treehouse and strikes up a romance with his widower father Tom (Ed Harris). There’s also something about stolen mob money, threatened wetlands, and a frilly leather jacket. Malcolm McDowell and Anne Heche are also in there somewhere.

Some Notes:

• Paramount bought the Milk Money screenplay for $1.1 million despite it being, by all objective measures, a very bad screenplay.
• Available on Amazon Prime. The vast majority of the captions are truncated beyond recognition and barely resemble the actual lines spoken in the film. This often improves the dialogue.
• The way the boy treats V is vaguely similar to the relationship in The Toy. Another movie with "toy" in the title is Toy Story. Randy Newman does the soundtrack for Toy Story. Randy Newman also has a song in Milk Money. Coincidence???

Podcast: Kid Cop (1996)

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After a thorough and inefficient search of the Amazon Prime streaming options, Your Stupid Minds settles on the most ridiculously titled ‘90s direct-to-video release in its general eyeshot: 1996’s Kid Cop!

Sorry, I couldn't find a trailer. Here's a link to the Amazon Prime version.

A kid cop (Jer Adrianne Lelliott) insists on being a kid cop after his adult cop dad is killed in the line of duty. His mother (Alexandra Paul) is concerned, but somewhat relieved that Kid Cop is guided by the man who did not prevent her husband’s death, his partner Frank (Edward Albert). Kid Cop finds a pattern in a series of burglaries around town, and eventually suspects a pair of newcomers to town: The ice cream truck owners Beverly and Stan (Cindy Pickett and John Rubinstein). He elicits the help of his new friend Lisa (Bethany Richards) and thwarts a heinous gold coin heist by these outsider monsters.

Some Notes:

• Edward Albert, who plays Frank, is the son of Green Acres star Eddie Albert and Mexican actress/dancer Margo.
• Lewis Arquette, who plays the mayor, is the father of Rosanna Arquette, Patricia Arquette, Alexis Arquette, Richmond Arquette, and David Arquette.
• Sondra Currie appears in the film, and was also in a number of exploitation films, as well as The Hangover Parts I-III.
• Bethany Richards, who plays Lisa, is the sister of Ariana Richards, who plays Lex in Jurassic Park.
• Kid Cop's favorite ice cream treat is a "Slide-Up," which is likely a genericization of a Nestlé® Push-Up® Pop, notable for including Flintstones characters. Not to be confused with a Push Pop, which is a giant Jolly Rancher in tube form.

Podcast: Look Who's Talking Now (1993)

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Trigger Warning: Even though no children should ever listen to this podcast, there is a sequence where we talk at length and repeatedly about the 100% irrefutable fact that Santa Claus is not real. If you are an irresponsible parent whose children can listen to profanity-laced podcasts yet still hold onto the worldwide delusion as to the existence of a fat man who breaks into your house and gives you presents, you have been warned.

Your Stupid Minds covers the third and therefore best entry in the Look Who’s Talking franchise, Look Who’s Talking Now! Released and taking place three years since the last movie, James (John Travolta) and Mollie Ubriacco (Kirstie Alley) return to their iconic roles. This time Mikey (David Gallagher, a.k.a Simon From 7th Heaven) and Julie (Tabitha Lupien) are older and have their own voices, but guess who can talk? The dogs! And no other kinds of animals! Danny Devito and Diane Keaton come on as Rocks the mutt and Daphne the prissy poodle, respectively.

With Mollie recently out of a job and James getting a new high-flying gig with a sexy female boss (Lysette Anthony), will their marriage hold together? Considering James shows absolutely no interest in this wealthy British adulteress, yes! But also they get two new dogs and they can talk (to each other) and boy do they not get along until later when they do! Also a little girl schools Charles Barkley on the bball court during a dream sequence. Believe it or not this movie did not make much money.

Some Notes:

• Four to six weeks just to become hip? This is bogus.
• What in Santa's name is going on here?
• And sure, let's round out this all-YouTube list with this recut scene from 7th Heaven.

Podcast: Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)

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Your Stupid Minds delves into well-trodden bad movie territory with the notoriously terrible animated Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On. We may not have the annoying falsetto screech of The Nostalgia Critic, or the deep-seated racism of JonTron, but we do have notable animal lover and Chris’s sister Sarah Dobson back on the podcast.

Angelica (Lisa Russo) is a lowly beautiful servant who looks strikingly like Anastasia. She meets the rich and handsome William (Mark Thompson-Ashworth) who gropes her laundry and they fall in love. meanwhile, a menagerie of obnoxious talking animals, including a rapping dog, a noble French mouse who looks like Fievel, and a trio of horrible Mexican mice stereotypes, sing tonally inappropriate songs about partying and dancing. Then the boat sinks and almost no one dies, thus tarnishing the legacy of the 1,500 actual people who perished in this real life tragedy.

We should also note some discrepancy in iceberg sizes and presentation.

The shot when the lookouts discover the iceberg in Titanic. Notice the darkness of the frame helps the theory that they're not complete idiots.

...And the brightly lit Mount Kilimanjarian iceberg featured in Titanic: The Legend Goes On.

Some Notes:

• Do you know any Gastons? Are they douchebags or not?
• Dogs invented rap in 1912. This is not up for debate.
• Unfortunately this drawing exists. Thanks DeviantArt.
• And, of course, the famous and hotly debated scene from Pokémon: The First Movie.

Podcast: The Nutcracker in 3D (2010)

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Merry Christmas from Your Stupid Minds! We celebrate the holiday with a middling shelved Hungarian/UK adaptation of Tchaikovsky’s classic, with 2010’s The Nutcracker in 3D! Starring a young Elle Fanning as Mary, John Turturro as The Rat King, and Nathan Lane as Uncle Albert Einstein (yes this actually happened in the movie).

When Uncle Albert brings over a Nutcracker and dollhouse for his niece Mary and hellish toy-destroying Nephew Max (Aaron Michael Drozin), the Nutcracker comes to life, along with the dolls inside the house! Mary travels to a dream world full of Nazi-horrors, as the fascist Rat King has taken over the Nutcracker’s kingdom and genocided all the toys. It’s up to Mary, the Nutcracker, a harlequin clown, a chimp man, and a Rastafarian drummer boy to save the day. Also Sigmund Freud is briefly in the movie.

Some Notes:

• Apologies for all the Maxes in the world. I tried to defend you but Hollywood just wants to cast you to commit toy hate crimes.
• Quick note about Nathan Lane vermin-related movies (The Nutcracker in 3D, Stuart Little, Mouse Hunt). The Stuart Little screenplay was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
• The Rat King's song when he electrocutes a shark.