Friday, May 29, 2009

Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987)

A year before They Live cemented Roddy Piper as the king of hilariously awesome B-movies, he threw his hat into the "gritty, post-apocalyptic" genre that made Mel Gibson famous and gave Harrison Ford something to do in between George Lucas collaborations in 1987's own Hell Comes to Frogtown!

Roddy Piper: world's most potent man.

Piper plays Sam Hell, the smuggiest smug that ever smugged. Why's he so smug? In the wake of World War III, he's the most virile man in the post-apocalyptic warzone. He gets bailed out of some non-specified trouble by Med-Tech, a government-sponsored fertility organization run by women. Hell gets teamed up with tightly-wound Spangle (Sandahl Bergman, who you might remember from Conan the Barbarian) and bad-ass Centinella (Cec Verrell, channeling Linda Hamilton).

Unfortunately for Hell, as a government employee, he's forced to wear a metal codpiece rigged to monitor his "physiosexual condition." The codpiece is also rigged with explosives for reasons never made clear to anyone. Spangle can also shock him for her own twisted amusement. Piper and his team get sent to Frogtown to rescue a group of captured fertile women. The second they make camp for the night, straitlaced Spangle makes an awkward pass at him before accidentally shocking his balls. Before Hell can recover, Centinella also tries to jump his bones, but ends up being broken up by Spangle, who reprimands her because both women are apparently infertile. Spangle is trained to be a cocktease.

Spangle must have read a book on seduction. NERD.

The next day, Piper, frustrated by driving around and not getting to sleep with anyone, tears up some paper and gets left behind. Unfortunately for him, his balls need to stay in proximity to Spangle, so he has to comically chase after them, ignoring the very real plight of fertile women kidnapped by frogs to engage in frivolity.

Once Piper meets up with the women, they see movement in the woods. They chase down a freaked girl before catching her and sticking her with a sedative. Spangle then instructs Hell to sleep with the woman, an escaped fertile woman. Hell is uneasy about sleeping with a drugged out woman, wondering where the romance has gone in this post-apocalyptic hell-hole. Spangle decides Hell needs inspiration, so she decides to perform a strip-tease, never removing her NASA glasses. Hell is finally motivated enough to perform his duty and the girl goes on her way, being told she'll "be a hero" for getting knocked up.

Frogtown's economy is booming!

Outside Frogtown, a post-apocalyptic wasteland that looks like nothing so-much as an old factory, Spangle gets dressed up in ropes and handcuffs (again forgetting to take off her giant glasses). Hell drags her through the deserted factory and into a nearby bar (complete with neon light), where frog-people gather to watch frog-strippers, drink frog beer, and read the frog prince (I'm not even kidding).

Hell and Spangle meet their contact, and Hell proceeds to sell Spangle to the bar's owner when an evil frog-man under the employ of Commander Toty (get it?). Spangle gets dragged off to meet Toty while Hell meets up with the frog-stripper, who also tries to seduce him. Hell and the stripper try to go save Spangle once Piper realizes his junk will explode if she gets too far away, but he gets caught by an evil frog-monster with an eye-patch. While Spangle is being fanned by the fertile women who prepare her for the "dance of the three snakes," Piper is having his codpiece attacked by the one-eyed frog monster. Spangle gets dragged out to perform the dance of the three snakes, which is absolutely the dirtiest thing you can think of. I'm not even gonna describe it. But I will link to it.

Meanwhile, Piper gets his codpiece removed, and it explodes in the one-eyed monster's face. Then Piper gives the one-eyed monster a good beating. Okay I'll stop. Meanwhile, Spangle beats up Toty and Piper runs in to help save the day. They free the women and try to escape, but get stopped by some damn guy who complains about women taking over before getting into an epic fight with Piper.

I hope the guy that designed this got a raise.

Separated from the group, Piper shows up at the car to find it exploded, and just assumes everyone's dead without seeing any bodies. He plans to blow Toty and himself up and they have an epic fight before Spangle conveniently reappears from behind a rock. Just as he starts making a move on her, she goes back to the old 'nad shocking trick. When she realizes Piper didn't have to do any of that heroic stuff, she realizes she loves him, and they all plan their big orgy.

If you like bad movies, you need to see this. The acting is middling to bad, the sets are awful, and the costumes are hilarious. Roddy Piper goes in and out from any attempt to play a character. He seems to be at his best during fight scenes, which are unexpectedly competent. There is some amount of chemistry between the two leads, even if Bergman sometimes looks like a Vaseline-soaked Uma Thurman. But the movie dances a delicate balance between unintentional camp and low-budget humor. There is some chemistry between the leads, and if you can get past the 80's hair there's some relatively hot chicks. It's got everything! What man besides Roddy Piper could wear a kilt with a metal codpiece and still be a bad-ass?

What to Drink:

Bud. Weis. Errrrrr.

Honorable Mention: Roddy Piper considers Coors to be a "real beer," even if it's slightly radioactive.

Quotable Quotes:
Sam Hell: How am I supposed ta... ya know?
Spangle: There's a flap.

Spangle: It monitors your physiosexual condition

Spangle: Relax, I've been trained in seduction techniques

Spangle: Save it for the fertiles!
Sam Hell: Oh, I've got enough!


Bull: I gotta tell ya: you are one weird dude.

Toty: You have aroused the Three Snakes!

Sam Hell: I'm not a machine you can just turn on and off whenever you want to ya know?


  1. Why are frogs attracted to human women?

  2. They're not Frogs, Nick. They're mutants that look like frogs because of high levels of radiation. Your prejudice reveals an ugly side of you.

  3. Okay, thank you for clearing that up. Otherwise this movie would make no sense.