Podcast: The Octagon (1980)

Your Stupid Minds is back! Chuck Norris uses his iron leg to battle ninjas, mercenaries, and deceptive women in the low budget classic The Octagon!

Strap yourself in for the best approximation of the plot we could put together. Scott James (Chuck Norris) is a famous martial artist who has a secret past as a ninja. Or just trained as a ninja. He has an evil Japanese brother Seikura (Tadashi Yamashita) who got kicked out of ninja school and is now training terrorists against their will in the art of ninja. Scott goes on a date with a woman and she’s killed by ninjas. He goes on a quest to find the ninjas and his evil brother.

Meanwhile his misogynist friend A.J. (Art Hindle) is desperately searching for a reason for his character to be in this movie. He’s horning in on Scott’s dates and swearing revenge on ninjas for the flimsiest of reasons.

Scott visits McCarn (Lee Van Cleef) a murderous mercenary, but a good one. Scott uses him to try to find Doggo (Kurt Grayson) who has some connection to the ninjas. Scott tries to become a mercenary but fails. Luckily that dangling plotline is recovered when Doggo tries to kill him. Scott finds another beautiful woman on the side of the road, Justine Wentworth (Karen Carlson). Scott has a structured settlement and he needs cash now, so this is the perfect woman for him.

He helps Justine with her car and she tries to seduce him but he's too cool. She's also trying to betray him, or trick him, or something? Anyway, A.J. dates her for a while and then she's killed by ninjas. A.J. swears revenge on the ninjas but then is kidnapped by the ninjas.

Scott finds a third woman who is ninja proof and they're off to kill the ninjas. He does so and saves A.J. By the way, the Octagon is some sort of obstacle course with ninjas in it. There's also some guy named Tibor but I forget what he does aside from sell furs.

Podcast: 3 Ninjas (1992)

It's our fourth and final foray into the 3 Ninjas franchise! We have finally completed the series in reverse chronological order by covering the original film. It's 1992's 3 Ninjas, starring Michael Treanor, Max Elliott Slade, Chad Power, and Victor Wong.

Rocky (Treanor), Colt (Slade), and Tum Tum (Power) are three normal Southern Californian kids except for one small difference: they spend their summers learning the deadly art of ninjutsu with their Grandpa Mori (Wong). Their training looks suspiciously like karate, and Grandpa's lessons seems slightly contradictory ("Ninjas never fight those weaker than them," "Don't fight an opponent you can't beat.") but that's neither here nor there.

Meanwhile, the boys' father (Alan McRae) is an FBI agent trying to catch all around bad guy Snyder (Rand Kingsley). Their lives intersect through Snyder's connection to Grandpa Mori, who trained Snyder in the ninja arts, which he now uses for evil.

The 3 ninjas return to their wildfire kindling home so Rocky can awkwardly flirt with his girlfriend/next door neighbor Emily (Kate Sargeant) and battle it out with a cadre of stereotypical bullies on the basketball court. A trio of bumbling surfer stereotypes break into their house for some Home Alone style hijinks and then the kids are kidnapped.

Can the boys escape the vast ship that is their prison? Will Grandpa save them in time? Does a goon get explosive diarrhea? You'll have to listen to find out!

Podcast: New York Ninja (2021)

We're back from an extended break to give you a real treat. New York Ninja (2021) has everything. A ninja. A roller skating ninja. A radioactive serial killer. Cynthia Rothrock (as a voice). And helicopters.

In 1984, John Liu had a dream: to make a movie about a New York ninja. He shot 6-8 hours of footage, but his distribution company went bankrupt so the entire movie was scrapped.

Cut to 2020. The new hotshot b-movie home video distributor Vinegar Syndrome unearths these reels with no script, storyboard, or audio track. They get to work basically reimagining the entire plot and restoring the footage. What we have here is a reimagining of what would have been an 80s film, cut, dubbed, and scored in the 2020s.

John Liu (John Liu) is a non-ninja New Yorker whose pregnant wife is killed by one of the many roving violence gangs of 1980s New York. In his grief, he becomes a New York Ninja and starts throwing smoke bombs and shurikens at the gangs.

It turns out the gangs (but not all of the gangs, some just like to go around smashing cars and murdering orphans) are behind a wide-sweeping human trafficking operation, led by the Plutonium Killer, a former CIA agent with radioactive powers, and hypnotism powers, and shapeshifting powers. He puts young women under a spell and then murders them, which seems like it would cut into his human trafficking bottom line, but I guess we all need hobbies.

New York Ninja flips around the city beating up street punks and having guns pulled on him numerous times. Can he save the day and defeat the baddies? Assuming John Liu shot that footage before pulling the plug, the answer is yes.

Podcast: Nine Deaths of the Ninja (1985)

Your Stupid Minds returns to ninjas with Cannon’s Nine Deaths of the Ninja from 1985, starring Sho Kosugi, Anthony Kiedis's dad, and Harlan Crow’s ex sister-in-law.

Spike (Kosugi), Steve (Brent Huff), and Jennifer (Emilia Crow) are part of an elite anti-terrorist squad that mainly involves Spike doing ninja stuff on a bunch of terrorists while Steve crosses his arms and chuckles. When a terrorist confederacy of gross drug addicts, a lesbian militia, and a smattering of ninjas kidnap a bus full of tourists, Spike and the team spring into action. The terrorists are led, of sorts, by a disabled Nazi named Alby the Cruel (played by Blackie Dammett, a.k.a. the dad of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Anthony Kiedis), who also has a monkey wearing a diaper.

The team go to the Philippines and there’s some mild ninja stuff, Jennifer shoots some dude with an epoxy gun, and Sho Kosugi’s real sons play pranks on the terrorists.

A reminder: Your Stupid Minds will be at this year’s Comicpalooza in Houston, Texas, to discuss Halle Berry’s Catwoman LIVE! The convention is Memorial Day weekend, May 26-28, so come check us out!

Some Notes:

• Emilia Crow and Robert Trammell Crow's divorce was covered in the February 1990 issue of Texas Monthly in a piece called The $76 Million Divorce. Robert is the late brother of Harlan Crow, the Nazi memorabilia-loving billionaire and Justice Clarence Thomas's BFF.

Podcast: 3 Ninjas Kick Back (1994)

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Your Stupid Minds moves in reverse chronological order through the 3 Ninjas franchise with 1994’s 3 Ninjas Kick Back, the second movie in the franchise. If you saw the original 3 Ninjas and thought "this doesn’t appeal to me, a dumb babby, enough," then this is the movie for you!

Grandpa Mori (Victor Wong) and one third of the kids from the original movie are back and they’re going to Japan! ...Eventually. First they have to compete in the dirtiest Little League game of all time, and then a luggage switch-em-up forces Colt (Max Elliott Slade), Rocky (Sean Fox), and Tum Tum (J. Evan Bonifant) to commit identify fraud to go to Japan and bring a sacred dagger to their grandpa in time for the end of a ninja tournament.

But who is this? Evil bad guy Koga (Sab Shimono) is trying to steal the dagger for reasons. And he’s using his dumb nephew and his two dumb friends to do it! Also who is this Japanese girl Miyo (Caroline Junko King) who is so good at ninja stuff? And why won’t this kid on the opposing baseball team stop farting? And why does Tum Tum break the fourth wall at the very end? You’ll just have to watch to find out!

Some Notes:

• This was filmed after 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up and Rocky and Tumtum were recast, thus why the trailer rushes by their faces so quickly in the opening of the trailer.
• Reportedly Kim Jong Un's favorite movie as a child. Reported by no one except for an anonymous IMDb trivia item.
• "Glam," the bleach blonde surfer dude nephew of the villain, is played by Dustin Nguyen, who plays Zing in the show Warrior, and he's really good!
• Another return of Your Stupid Minds all-star Don Stark, who plays the umpire in this, the sheriff in 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up, some guy in Santa with Muscles, and Donna's dad in That 70s Show.

Podcast: Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (2021)

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Your Stupid Minds returns to the ninja movie well in our futile attempt to find a bad one. Surely the huge flop reboot based on toys will do the trick, right? Right? It's 2021's Snake Eyes: G.I. Origins.

Snake Eyes (Henry Golding) witnesses his father's murder as a child, and he vows to get big and buff and seek revenge. When evil Yakuza guy Kenta (Takehiro Hira) says he'll give him his father's killer if he works for him, Snake Eyes agrees. It begins when he's asked to execute a traitor in the gang's midst, who turns out to be Tommy (Andrew Koji) heir to the Arashikage ninja clan.

I can't get into much more without spoiling the plot, so let's just say there are some cool ninja fights and a glowing jewel that vaporizes dudes. And of course Cobra is involved.

Podcast: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

Your Stupid Minds finishes off the summer ninja series with a ninja movie of the teenage mutant turtle variety: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III! Our heroes in a half shell (or full shell, if you want to be accurate) return for their final non Michael Bay film appearance.

When a magical lantern transports April (Paige Turco) back in time to 17th century feudal Japan (and the prince Kenshin takes per place), the turtles must travel back to save her. The turtles almost immediately muck everything up and intersperse their heroic deeds with dated early 90s pop culture references.

Featuring the often referenced photorealistic turtle scroll.

Michelangelo falls in love with the rebel leader Mitsu (Vivian Wu), and Raphael flies a kite with an adorable boy named Yoshi (Travis A. Moon). Meanwhile, the Japanese honor guard who replaces the turtles in the present have a great time with Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) playing hockey and arcade games.

Some Notes:

• Chris was right about the Turtles in Time video game. It predates the movie, has nothing to do with feudal Japan, and was on arcade and Super Nintendo.
• Chris also more accurately estimated the turtles' weights.
• Featuring the awful recurring Diddy Laugh stock sound effect.
• Navy. It's not just a job. It's an adventure.

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Podcast: Ninja Apocalypse (2014)

More ninja movies! The post-production company Big Boss Creative wanted to break into the lucrative direct-to-DVD racket, so they asked distributors what they wanted to sell. Their questions were answered with the mixed bag of “ninjas,” “post-apocalypse,” “zombies,” and “The Warriors,” so they slapped all of those ideas together into an 82 page script, added some cheap After Effects CGI, and made Ninja Apocalypse. Starring some stunt men who were available in the greater Los Angeles Metropolitan area, as well as Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Electra, Showdown in Little Tokyo), and Ernie Reyes Jr. (Surf Ninjas, Ninja Turtles II).

Cage (Christian Oliver) is the leader of the lost ninja clan and goes to a peace summit with his best warriors for some reason to help unite the clans. When the ninja leader (Tagawa) is killed at the summit, Cage is falsely accused to the murder and all the clans hope to catch him before he escapes. On his way to the surface he and his clan mates fight ninjas, zombies, reptile men, and sexy lady ninjas for their freedom. They also have cool blue fire kicks and energy blasts.

Some Notes:

• Despite the existence of a reptile-themed gang, we never make any reference to the Tunnel Snakes.
• Tunnel Snakes rule.
• We're the tunnel snakes.
• That's us.
• And we RULE RULE RULE.

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Podcast: The Hunted (1995)

More ninja movies on Your Stupid Minds! This time we attempted to find an underwhelming movie to put an end to this ninja episode massacre. We thought we had a perfect candidate with 1995’s The Hunted starring Christopher Lambert in his first non-Highlander movie on YSM. As it turns out, this movie is great!

Paul Richie (Lambert) travels to Nagoya Japan on business and has a lovely date with Kirina (Joan Chen), a supposedly Japanese woman despite being obviously Chinese. After a date in the park listening to the traditional Japanese drummers, they go back to her hotel for a night of sultry hot tub sex. After Richie leaves, ninjas show up and murder Kirina.

Richie tries to stop them, only to be hit with shurikens and nearly stabbed to death. After being attacked again in the hospital by ninjas led by the nefarious Kinjo (John Lone) who come to finish the job, he teams up with a samurai Ichiro (Yoshio Harada) and his wife Mieko (Yoko Shimada) to hide out on their secret samurai island to wait for Kinjo.

Some Notes:

• No one can see Kinjo's boner... and live!
• If you want to know more about ninja weaponry, skip Wikipedia and just read the trivia section for The Hunted.
• Be sure to rate and review us on iTunes!

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Podcast: Ninja III: The Domination (1984)

Another ninja movie! This time with actual ninjas and not some snot-nosed kids, it’s the Cannon Group’s Ninja III: The Domination! Offering little to no continuity to its predecessors Enter the Ninja and Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja III involves a headstrong telephone company employee/aerobics instructor Christie (Lucinda Dickey) possessed by the ghost of a mystical ninja who recently went on a cop killing spree at a nearby municipal golf course.

After some questionably strong seduction tactics, Office Secord (Jordan Bennett) joins Christie in her apartment for V8 juice-infused sex near her arcade machine for the unreleased game Bouncer. Soon after she surreptitiously begins murdering the cops who took down the ninja using her newly-infused martial arts skills and floating Ninjato sword. Will Officer Secord stop her before she murders all the leery cops? Is a newly-arrived eye-patched Japanese man a friend or foe? Pick up the Blu-ray and find out!

Some Notes:

• Please check out these informative websites, Does the Dog Die?, and at this moment the uncreated Is There Pizza in This Movie?, Does the Helicopter Explode?, and Do Ninjas Drink Coffee?
• SECORD SUX.
• The hairy back order goes (from least to most hairy):
• Officer Secord
• Chuck Norris in the 1970s
• Hairy Bear Guy from Barbarella

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Podcast: 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up (1995)

Your Stupid Minds continues its unofficial ninja theme with a film that, despite having “Ninja” in the title, essentially has karate action masquerading as ninjutsu. 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up is the third film in the 3 Ninjas franchise and contains all of the original cast members! Shot almost concurrently with the first film, before a legal dispute forced the producers to shelve it and recast two of the kids in 3 Ninjas Kick Back, Knuckle Up was finally released three years after the original with mostly unaged child heroes Rocky (Michael Treanor), Colt (Max Elliott Slade), and Tum Tum (Chad Power).

The trio and its elderly grandfather (Victor Wong) travel somewhere close to an Indian reservation during summer break, and find themselves volunteering ninja services to local Native Americans terrorized by an evil garbage dump owner Jack (Charles Napier), who pollutes their land and kills their children. The boys use their karate ninja skills to rescue the father of little girl Jo (Crystle Lightning), and fight full grown adult goons who are constantly humiliated and physically bested by children.

Some Notes:

• Directed by Sang-ok Shin (a.k.a. Simon S. Sheen), who was kidnapped by Kim Jong-il and forced to make films in North Korea until he escaped to a U.S. embassy.
• Donal Logue sits on multiple cactuses in this movie.
• For more non-stop ninja action, see Chris's review of 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.

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